All my life I've been somewhat of a people pleaser, and a darn good one at that! When my sister and I were growing up, we were often called upon to babysit our younger siblings. In our house my sister was commonly known as "Lucy Van Pelt" and I was absorbed with "I Love Lucy". Guess who my sibs wanted as their babysitter? We Want Laura, they would shout! Van Pelt NEVER let anyone walk on her, around her or over her if she thought they weren't supposed to do, act or behave a certain way. I, on the other hand, wanted happy times all the time so rearranging the rules was an excuse by me for everyone to be happy. :)
I was a codependent in training from the get-go. Somewhere, fair and balanced behavior missed me. I was just skipping along minding my own business most of the time or at least that's what it seemed like from my perspective. Was it our generation? We were caught between the "everyone lives happily ever after" era and the "we trust and believe no one over 30" thinking that was springing up all around. I preferred the happily ever after group and who wouldn't? To me the second group was always fighting against everyone and I didn't see the benefit of the alcohol/drug life. I was afraid that I would like it and not be able to stop or something bad would happen to me. Thankfully, for once I yielded to my guardian angels urging. It's not something I did very often. Looking mostly like Joannie Cunningham when she was a beaver girl in Happy Days set the pattern of my days in high school. I looked out of place, often felt out of place, and being a mid-November baby when I started school at age 4, I was slow to develop and slow to mature. I was barely beginning to emerge into an individual and recognizing that I needed some boundaries when my life changed.
When I was a senior I met my first real boyfriend who became my first real husband, my sons Daddio. I was sucked into a "code" relationship very quickly. The chaos revealed almost immediately that there was something brewing in his life and it wasn't good. We hadn't been dating long when graduation day was upon us. His parents opted out of going to the ceremony for various reasons/excuses. Sadly, Daddio went alone to his graduation and I went with my parents. Later in the day, Daddio came by on his 10-speed bike, riding to beat the band. He lived at least two miles away so it was a good ride away. Clearly he was angry and stated flat out he was leaving home. It seems that when he got home from the ceremony and showed his parents his diploma his mother was many sheets to the wind and she began one of her verbal assaults on Daddio. Before he knew what was happening she tore his diploma into bits and pieces and tossed it all over the floor. As he replayed the scenario to me I couldn't believe my ears and immediately my feelings were to comfort this "poor guy".... and so the cycle began. Pity for Daddio and an immediate "I'll save you!" feeling came over me. I had a huge knot inside of me trying to grasp that any one's parents would do this to their own child and, so I thought, love would cover it all.
But there's only one type of love that covers it all and that's the love gift we get from God.
Our love, or version of it, is often skewed, unhealthy or biased and when applied to hurts and anguish in our lives it's even more tainted. We imagine it to be the curing salt on the wound and that the wound will be completely healed if we salt it enough. Often, we don't look for the wound root that needs healing to make it whole again. We salt, sugar coat and slather from the outside in hopes of covering or healing the surface scars that remain. Learning to go deeper and work for healing from the inside out can be painstakingly slow and there are seasons in life we feel we just don't have the time for that slow process. We live in the USA, dammit, and I want this fixed NOW and PAINFREE!
The gift of love from the Creator of love must be managed with wisdom from the love giver. Reading His love notes to me along with my tools in recovery is the basis of foundation where true love will manifest into a healthy, healing love relationship with myself.
John 15:9-13 (The Message) "I've loved you the way my Father has loved me.
Make yourselves at home in my love.If you keep my commands, you'll remain intimately at home in my love.That's what I've done—kept my Father's commands and made myself at home in his love."