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In need of weight loss tips? I got some for you...

Posted Jul 01 2010 7:00pm
At the beginning of every new year, it seems many of us decide that weight loss should be among the numerous goals.

However, after a few weeks, we get bored. We get tired. And we get angry...angry at all those people out there who complain incessantly, "No matter what I eat, I can't seem to gain weight."

Whatever. Bitches.

We all can't afford to have Jillian Michaels move in with us to get our asses in gear...even though we kill ourselves doing the 30-Day Shred while fantasizing that she's right there in person with us, yelling obscenities in our faces and reducing us to blubbering cry-babies who beg forgiveness for eating an entire coffee cake at breakfast all by ourselves...oh wait, that was just me...

So put down the diet books...stop reading the health magazines...stop starving yourself....stop the insanity already, people!

I'm gonna share some weight loss tips that should be pretty simple to implement into your daily life.

Ready? Here we go....

1) Keep meals under 400 calories.

So technically, under this rule, there's no problem with making an ice cream sundae a meal.

Seriously, consider all the nutritious value it has - calcium from the ice cream, protein and fiber from the nuts, potassium from the banana and if you add a cherry to the top, consider it a part of your fruit requirement for the day.

Wash it all down with a cup of water and you should have no problem keeping this meal under 400 calories.

2) Use the kids as dumbbells.

For those of us who have children and/or work with children, we're picking kids up ALL. DAY. LONG.

Lay on the floor and lift Johnny up and down over your chest 50 times. Carry your toddler on your hip for 5 hours straight. Juggle your twins in a Baby Bjorn, one on your front and one on your back.

The kids are comfy and happy....you're getting your exercise...it's a win-win the way I see it.

3) Eat more fiber.

Sure, this may lead to more bathroom visits but this is where you can kill two birds with one stone.

Since our kids don't understand the meaning of "privacy" anyway, ask them to grab a fun book and pull up a chair next to the toilet. You can read to them while you take care of business.

Think of all the time you can devote to other activities now that reading and pooping are out of the way.

4) Burn extra calories with exercise.

I'm not a huge fan of working out. But here are some ways to burn off calories without feeling like it's exercise....

Have sex - For 30 minutes of sex, you burn 85 calories. Throw some foreplay in beforehand and you can burn an additional 65 calories.

Kissing - At the very least, if you're not up for sex, kissing burns 2-3 calories per minute. It could lead to sex though so be careful. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Dance - Who says vacuuming has to be boring? Dance while you vacuum. The kids will love it. Or....wait until the kids are in bed and put on a sexy bra and panties and then vacuum. If your husband/boyfriend/partner is home, this may lead to sex....and another 85 calories burned off.

Tag - Play a game of tag with the kids. Do jumping jacks while you run. Try not to trip and fall down...like I do.

Arm wrestling - Do this with the kids. But don't let them win or you won't burn any calories. Keep in mind, though, that you'll probably spend the rest of the day listening to your kid whine about how unfair life is while you have to explain that life wouldn't be any fun if it were fair all the time.

Climb a tree - When you reach the top, scream for help. If you're lucky, a hot, sexy firefighter will rescue you (which, for those of you single ladies or those fortunate enough to be married to the hot, sexy firefighter, could lead to another 85 calories burned...)

Do squats, but only on an empty stomach - Squats can easily be done while waiting in line at the grocery store or at the mall. Warning...do not eat a bean burrito, cabbage or broccoli beforehand.

It's bad enough that just doing squats in a public place, other than the gym, will earn you some unwanted attention.

But letting one rip while doing it...well, that will bring you some notoriety that you just can't afford, with the price of gas being as high as it is, it'll be rather costly to continuously drive to the next town to buy your groceries.

So repeat with me....do squats, but only on an empty stomach.

6) Drink more.

I suppose most of the diet gurus are referring to drinking WATER but that's not necessarily set in stone. Plain water can be boring, especially when that's all you've been drinking.

Why not drink some orange juice...with a little bit of vodka mixed in?

Now you've got yourself a yummy screwdriver...go for the calcium-enriched OJ and not only are you getting a healthy dose of vitamin C but your bones are getting stronger with every sip.

Then sit back and enjoy your drink, knowing your body is thanking you for taking such good care of it.

7) Watch your fat intake.

As it goes into your mouth. You won't burn any calories but your far-sighted vision may improve slightly.

8) Brush your teeth.

If you feel like you might just raid the fridge after a long, exhausting day, simpy grab your toothbrush and brush those teeth. You'll feel all minty fresh and ice cream will be the furthest thing from your mind.

I can't say the same about that chilled bottle of wine, though. That'll be on your mind 24/7 no matter what...it's par for the course.

9) Eat each and every meal with your children, if you have some. If not, feel free to borrow my children.

Besides having to bop up and down constantly serving their every whim (you know the routine..."I need more juice", "I want more ranch dressing"), you'll more than likely lose your appetite pretty darn quickly...

...as they spit food onto your plate while they talk, dig their germ-infested fingers into your food and permeate the entire kitchen with a smell that's horrid enough to make skeletons turn over in their grave while they try to "out-fart" one another.

10) Life is too short.

Sure, you can starve yourself and spend hours at the gym, sweating like Richard Simmons on a good day.

Or you can just vow to eat healthier and make better choices from this point forward. Don't cry over the chocolate cake you stuffed down your throat while watching The Biggest Loser. Tomorrow's another day, right?

You can start off in baby steps. Switch out the soda for water. Instead of drinking apple juice, eat an apple.

But don't deny yourself either. If you want ice cream, have some, for crying out loud. Just eat it out of a small bowl rather than sitting down with the entire carton in front of you.

Life is too short to constantly be worrying about every single morsel you put in your mouth. Enjoy life...just make good choices in the meantime.

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