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If you're comparing your husband to a soap opera character, you'll only end up disappointed

Posted Oct 31 2012 2:27pm
Way back in the day....like, 17 years ago back in the day....when Tim and I were simply boyfriend and girlfriend, I used to watch all kinds of soap operas.

Days of Our Lives, The Young and the Restless, General Hospital.  You name it, I probably watched it.

And after almost every episode, I would frown and ask Tim, "How come you're not romantic like the soap opera characters?"

He'd chuckle and answer, "Sweetie, they're actors.  But if you want to write me a script, I'd be happy to say the same shit.  I can memorize lines just as well as they can."

Yeah, so the hot, sexy actors were following a script.  And, yeah, chances are they weren't really that romantic in real life but a girl can dream.

So it got me thinking....after all these years of marriage....that perhaps writing a script for my man wouldn't be such a bad idea.

Generally, this is how our conversations flow...but I've added in a script (in italics) of what he SHOULD say.

Me:  Ugh, what a day.  I'm so tired.
Tim:  So.....am I correct in assuming that I won't be getting a piece of ass tonight?

Tim:  Aw, sweetie.  You've been working so hard trying to keep everyone happy.  You just sit down, relax and put your feet up.  I'll take care of dinner and put the kids to bed.

Me:  I would love some help doing all this laundry.
Tim:  My mom never asked my dad for help with the laundry.

Tim:  Don't worry about the laundry.  You must get tired of always being responsible for everyone's clean clothes.  Let me take care of it.  You go read a book.

Me:  I've been dying to see that new movie starring Mark Wahlberg!
Tim:  Well, it'll be out on DVD before you know it.  After all, it is a Mark Wahlberg movie.

Tim:  I'll call the babysitter and arrange for us to have a date night.  And I'm happy to sit through a 2-hour movie, even though I think Mark Wahlberg is an asshole, simply because I love you.

Me:  How many times do I have to clean off this kitchen counter?  Doesn't anyone in this house know how to put things away?
Tim: But that's your job.

Tim  You're right.  The kids and I have been so irresponsible and disrespectful.  We know how many times you have to clean up after us.  We'll make an honest effort to keep the house clean.

Me:  So, did you like the chicken I made for dinner?
Tim:  It was okay.  You should find out how my mom makes her chicken.

Tim:  It was delicious, sweetie.  Best chicken I've ever tasted.  Even better than my mom's.

And, finally, in a perfect world....where unicorns fly freely through the crisp blue sky on a daily basis and bright signs point the way to the end of every rainbow, where a huge pot of gold awaits us, Tim wouldn't even need prompting from me.

He would see me standing in the kitchen...looking as exhausted as I feel...stirring a pot of spaghetti while balancing one child on my hip and helping another child with his homework, while the other kids run around the house naked, chasing one another with scissors.

My romantic husband would come up behind me and (instead of rubbing his crotch against my ass), he'd whisper ever-so-softly in my ear, "Have I told you how beautiful you are?  Have I told you how much I love and appreciate you?  You are my world.  I couldn't imagine my life without you."

Sigh....

I guess for now, until I have spare time to write these scripts, I'll have to settle for, "Hey, sweetie, I know it's been a long day for you but I'm super horny.  Do you think  you can manage staying awake for another 7.6 minutes....please?"


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