The kids are forever asking me if we can get another pet.
Now, I know most of you are envisioning their sweet little faces with wide eyes full of hope, asking, "Mommy, can we PLEASE have another pet?"
Perhaps that's how most kids would ask their parents...all polite and respectful.
But, remember, we're talking about MY kids...the spawn.
They ask, "When's our cat gonna die so we can get another pet?"
This is the same cat they claim to adore...the same cat who they beg to sleep with them every single night...the same cat who, despite hating the kids more than I despise my mom's stuffed peppers, has never once bitten or scratched them.
They're such traitors, aren't they? I can easily see them asking Tim one day, "Daddy, when's Mommy gonna die so we can get a new mom...one who won't freak out if we get Nerf guns for our birthday and will let us eat all our Halloween candy in a single night".
Not that I'm paranoid or anything. Moving on...
The other day, I asked Cole and Bella to come inside from the backyard to have a snack and finish their homework. As I approached the table to deliver their snack, something caught my eye.
Was that a.....? Were my eyes playing tricks on me?
Yes, it was a lizard. A fat lizard, at that. They had found him laying on the back porch, enjoying the sunlight on his face.
I asked, "Why isn't he afraid of you guys? He hasn't moved once!"
They both looked at me as if I had just attempted to eat soup with a fork.
"What?" I asked. "Seriously, I've never seen a lizard THAT still."
Cole sighed and shook his head.
Bella groaned, "Mommy, he's DEAD! Can't you tell?"
"Oh", I responded. "I suppose he is. That would explain why he's not running away from you."
Then I was forced to sit there and watch my children eat their snack while their dead pet lizard laid on our kitchen table.
I said, "You know, that's super disgusting. Can we put him out in the backyard in the grass or throw him in the garbage...or something? He's full of germs and wierd diseases..."
Cole interrupted, "He has no germs or diseases because he's dead, Mom".
Well, excuse me.
Next thing I know, Bella says, "Come here, Lizzie. I'm gonna take you to soccer with us and show you to Coach Bobby".
"Oh no, you're not," I argued. "That THING is not getting in the car with us. Your coach does not want to see a dead lizard!"
They fought back. "Yes, he does. Lizzie is our pet and we're taking her with us to soccer!"
WTF? Was this really happening or was I merely dreaming?
After pinching myself, and as sure as Kourtney Kardashian says the word "like" every 5 seconds, I was wide awake and witnessing my two oldest children lovingly dote on their newfound dead pet.
Finally, I had to ask, "Why on earth do you want a DEAD pet?"
Cole answered, "Well, a dead pet is better than no pet at all..."
Bella continued, "Yeah, and you said we can't have another pet because it's just one more mouth to feed and more mess to clean up after. But now you don't need to worry about that because Lizzie's dead. It's perfect."
This is their idea of perfect? I suppose it makes good sense when you really think about it.
However, now I had to worry about whether or not something is seriously wrong with my kids....as they showed off their dead lizard, Lizzie, to their soccer coach, who looked up at me as if I had completely lost touch with reality.
Shrugging my shoulders, I borrowed Cole's explanation and stated, "I guess a dead pet is better than no pet at all, right?"
After soccer practice, the kids wanted to go play on the playground and began to run off....without Lizzie.
I called out to them, "Uh, guys....I'm not carrying your dead lizard over there!"
They stopped in their tracks and looked at one another.
Cole yelled back, "Just put her in the garbage. She's dead, anyway."
Nice. Or as Kourtney Kardashian would say, "That's, like, real nice, guys".
I guess even dead pets have their disadvantages. Who knew?
Now, I know most of you are envisioning their sweet little faces with wide eyes full of hope, asking, "Mommy, can we PLEASE have another pet?"
Perhaps that's how most kids would ask their parents...all polite and respectful.
But, remember, we're talking about MY kids...the spawn.
They ask, "When's our cat gonna die so we can get another pet?"
This is the same cat they claim to adore...the same cat who they beg to sleep with them every single night...the same cat who, despite hating the kids more than I despise my mom's stuffed peppers, has never once bitten or scratched them.
They're such traitors, aren't they? I can easily see them asking Tim one day, "Daddy, when's Mommy gonna die so we can get a new mom...one who won't freak out if we get Nerf guns for our birthday and will let us eat all our Halloween candy in a single night".
Not that I'm paranoid or anything. Moving on...
The other day, I asked Cole and Bella to come inside from the backyard to have a snack and finish their homework. As I approached the table to deliver their snack, something caught my eye.
Was that a.....? Were my eyes playing tricks on me?
Yes, it was a lizard. A fat lizard, at that. They had found him laying on the back porch, enjoying the sunlight on his face.
I asked, "Why isn't he afraid of you guys? He hasn't moved once!"
They both looked at me as if I had just attempted to eat soup with a fork.
"What?" I asked. "Seriously, I've never seen a lizard THAT still."
Cole sighed and shook his head.
Bella groaned, "Mommy, he's DEAD! Can't you tell?"
"Oh", I responded. "I suppose he is. That would explain why he's not running away from you."
Then I was forced to sit there and watch my children eat their snack while their dead pet lizard laid on our kitchen table.
I said, "You know, that's super disgusting. Can we put him out in the backyard in the grass or throw him in the garbage...or something? He's full of germs and wierd diseases..."
Cole interrupted, "He has no germs or diseases because he's dead, Mom".
Well, excuse me.
Next thing I know, Bella says, "Come here, Lizzie. I'm gonna take you to soccer with us and show you to Coach Bobby".
"Oh no, you're not," I argued. "That THING is not getting in the car with us. Your coach does not want to see a dead lizard!"
They fought back. "Yes, he does. Lizzie is our pet and we're taking her with us to soccer!"
WTF? Was this really happening or was I merely dreaming?
After pinching myself, and as sure as Kourtney Kardashian says the word "like" every 5 seconds, I was wide awake and witnessing my two oldest children lovingly dote on their newfound dead pet.
Finally, I had to ask, "Why on earth do you want a DEAD pet?"
Cole answered, "Well, a dead pet is better than no pet at all..."
Bella continued, "Yeah, and you said we can't have another pet because it's just one more mouth to feed and more mess to clean up after. But now you don't need to worry about that because Lizzie's dead. It's perfect."
This is their idea of perfect? I suppose it makes good sense when you really think about it.
However, now I had to worry about whether or not something is seriously wrong with my kids....as they showed off their dead lizard, Lizzie, to their soccer coach, who looked up at me as if I had completely lost touch with reality.
Shrugging my shoulders, I borrowed Cole's explanation and stated, "I guess a dead pet is better than no pet at all, right?"
After soccer practice, the kids wanted to go play on the playground and began to run off....without Lizzie.
I called out to them, "Uh, guys....I'm not carrying your dead lizard over there!"
They stopped in their tracks and looked at one another.
Cole yelled back, "Just put her in the garbage. She's dead, anyway."
Nice. Or as Kourtney Kardashian would say, "That's, like, real nice, guys".
I guess even dead pets have their disadvantages. Who knew?