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Holy freakin spiders...

Posted Jan 14 2009 8:54pm
Cole and Bella were at preschool the other day...the little twins were playing nicely in the family room together, which I just have to say melts my heart to finally see them playing together. Without Cole and Bella here to boss them around, they are finally seeing each other as buddies and playmates. They feed each other snacks, they hug all the time and they chase one another all over the house. They even talk to each other in only a language they seem to understand.

Anyway, I was walking into the kitchen to clean the dishes from breakfast and this is what I saw:

Yeah, holy freakin spiders....the Mother of all spiders. I'm thinking this has to be a black widow or some wierd breed of spiders I've never heard of. It totally reminded me of a friend of mine who lives in TN and has problems with brown recluse spiders, which I think are the kind that literally jump at you. All I know is looking at this thing made me want to puke.

I grabbed the camera so I could take a picture of it so I could get a closer look at freakin way was I gonna go anywhere near it and take a chance on it lunging at me, digging its fangs into my jugular vein and sucking the life force outta me. So I can be a little dramatic sometimes. I was also concerned about Garrett or Landon going up to it and trying to poke it with their fingers..."ooooh look Mommy a big hairy ugly spider with huge fangs....can we keep it for a pet?"

Okay, so you know when you stare at something long enough, you start to think you see it moving? I could've sworn I saw this horrible creature move its legs. And then I notice, as much as I strain my eyes to see, that it has funky white spots on its arms and back. Now I'm thinking "what the f**k is this thing??!!" and how the hell did it get in my kitchen....and, mostly, does it have little white-spotted babies somewhere in my house, perhaps under the oven, where I've been cooking dinner every single night with bare feet?

I'm practically in meltdown mode by this point. All I know is I want this spider gone....outta my house....dead....somewhere, anywhere but my kitchen. I have such a phobia of spiders and I seriously want to puke everytime I look at it. For a minute, I consider either calling our exterminator or going next door and seeing if my retired neighbor would like to take a look at it..."hey, wanna come into my kitchen and see this really cool spider? Oh and by the way, could you take it with you when you leave?"

Alright, time to suck it up and get closer to it and try to capture it. My plan was to trap it under a glass because I figured if I tried to smush it with a paper towel, it may try to run back under the oven. There is NO freakin way I'd be able to sleep in this house knowing that the Mother of All Spiders is lurking in my house somewhere. I'd sooner check myself and the kids into a hotel than sleep here....Tim can do what he wants but I'm so outta here.

I take a few steps forward and notice the spider doesn't move. It's just sitting there, staring me down (okay, it wasn't really staring me down but for the sake of being dramatic....oh alright, overdramatic....let's leave it at that). Then Landon walks up behind me, spots the spider, points to it and shrieks "uh, uh, uh" now I know I gotta just get rid of this thing...

I run up to it and get ready to slam the glass down over it but it doesn't move at all. Now I'm totally freaked out, thinking it's waiting for that perfect moment to jump on me and sink its fangs deep into my skin (as if spiders are really that evil and calculating but again for the sake of being overdramatic...)

Once I managed to get the glass over it, I looked closer (but too close....) and I realized the darn thing is FAKE!! Not real!! Made out of rubber!! God, how stupid did I feel? I must have wasted a good 15 minutes freaking out over this fake spider! But seriously, look at this thing....even close up, doesn't it look real? And totally creepy??

Apparently, this spider is one of many in Cole's collection of creepy, crawly, rubber spiders....he just happened to leave this one in the kitchen and at some point it got kicked over to the stove, where it looked believably as if it had just started to crawl out from under the stove. He did the same thing to me a few months ago when Tim bought him some rubber lizards and he left a few of them out one day. I saw Landon walking around with something wierd in his mouth....with a tail....and for a minute, I thought he actually had a real lizard in his mouth. Here's a pic....

Cole and his fake creepy crawlies....ugh! He's all boy, that's for sure. I wonder what God was thinking when he made me the mother to 3 boys....I really wonder.

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