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Hanging in There

Posted Feb 02 2011 12:00am

I’m sorry for leaving you all hanging on Sunday.  We were in New York and there has been no time to write again until now.  I’ll write about our trip later. I did manage to have some fun.

I haven’t had any more spotting since Saturday.  All that means is that I’m not having a miscarriage right now.  It doesn’t give me any more encouragement than that, though.  I still think something is probably wrong.  I am fully prepared to lose this pregnancy.  No more newsletters or calendar entries for me.

I’ve spent the past four days going to the bathroom every half hour, and being scared to death every single time.  But not checking is worse.  After I check, I feel good for about ten minutes and then it starts to nag at me – what if I’m bleeding again right now?  It’s gotten less intense as time has gone by, but there has not been one trip to the bathroom when I didn’t feel like I was going to see the beginning of the end.

I wonder if I would feel this stressed out if I hadn’t just gone through four miscarriages.  Actually, I think I was even more stressed out when this happened last year.  The thought of having two miscarriages in a row was so horrifying that I could hardly contemplate the possibility.  During the two weeks or so when I had no bleeding, I never felt comfortable, and I did the bathroom check the entire time.  Then the spotting started again, and then it became real bleeding.  I was in such denial.  I scoured the chat boards for stories of women who had bled heavily but still had babies.  I expected the bleeding to stop at any moment.  But, really, I knew that pregnancy was a goner from the beginning.  I don’t really feel that way this time – I’m not sure it’s a goner – I’m just not expecting success any more.  And I suppose I’ve gotten used to miscarriages.  The idea of two in a row was unthinkable.  Five in a row blows my crow – five is just another number that means “multiple.”  I’ve learned how to deal with it, I guess.

The ultrasound is tomorrow – six weeks and one day along.  I’m glad it is soon, but there’s one problem with that.  We were supposed to schedule it for closer to seven weeks, but Adam’s and the doctor’s schedule didn’t allow it.  So we might not see a heartbeat tomorrow, but that might not mean anything.  It’s questionable whether I’m far enough along to see a heartbeat at six weeks.  So if we get good news – great!  But if we get bad news, it will probably be indeterminate, so hell will continue.

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