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Global Domination

Posted Jan 06 2010 6:52am
A few days ago, I admitted that I only use my Google Analytics to see how many people read Tommy's birth story each month. That was, until I discovered that you can actually view your readers by country, at which point, you may have seen the following tweets from me:
A month ago, someone from Rome commented on my snowy rose picture, and I wanted to tell them that their comment made my day, except that it was Anonymous so I couldn't. Anonymous person in Rome, you made my day! Comment more, please?
Now as I'm writing this, I feel like I'm sounding like your stereotypical American who lives in a bubble and is like, Wow, other countries have THE INTERNET? But that's not it at all. It's just that I live Indiana, which is very boring and not aesthetically pleasing to me at all, unlike Europe, which although I've only visited once, I found to be very interesting and aesthetically pleasing.

Because I have issues, I then personified each country and took it personally that I have no readers in Switzerland. Like, what did I ever do to YOU, Switzerland? I went to the top of Mount Pilatus! I even had a shirt with a dragon on it! (Incidentally, I'm sad that I no longer have this shirt becaue I was so tiny at 16 that I bought a child's size shirt and I bet Luke would love it.) Seriously, Switzerland, I bought many fine chocolates in your country! I even bought a marzipan pig that was so pretty that I didn't eat it. Switzerland, do you know how much I love marzipan!? The least you could do is check my blog a few times a month, Switzerland. Maybe Switzerland knows that we almost went to France on our honeymoon and is jealous? If that's the case, Switzerland is being a little picky since we ended up going to Central America, which is actually nowhere near Europe. Maybe Switzlerand isn't very good at geography, though.

Because this was all very traumatic to me, I told Shane that parts of Europe like me more than others. I also outlined the plans for my European Vacation, in which various blog readers let me sleep on their living room floor.
Instead of being concerned that I was planning on leaving the country for an indefinite amount of time to live with strangers, Shane said, "Really? Why would Europeans read YOUR blog?" in a very condescending way (note to self: buy Shane a one way ticket to Switzerland). I kicked him in the shins and told him that, actually, I have a lot of readers in France, to which he said, "Oh, it's probably because of my very French last name." So, let's recap: first, Shane insulted me. Then, he TOOK CREDIT for my readers from France. French readers! Speak up and tell Shane that it's ME you love, not him.

And then, can I come sleep on your couch for a week? Just kidding. All you have to do is tell my husband he's wrong, and we'll be BFFs. Oh, and if you could tell Switzerland about me? That'd be great.
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