From Fat to Thin and Back Again: Part 4 Deny, Deny, Deny
Posted Apr 01 2009 2:52pm
The power - that feeling of invincibility - is addicting. I wanted more. I wanted to feel invincible, or I guess, I wanted to fool myself into feeling invincible.
Every hour of every day not a minute would pass that I felt vulnerable. I mean, I knew my father was dying before my eyes and my mom, well, I knew my parents were keeping secrets about her condition. I am just not sure who they thought they were fooling, although, in hindsight not telling us was the right thing to do.
So, I continued. With each day I would limit my consumption more and more. Soon I had it nailed down to a science.
See, the funny thing about not eating is that you get tired. Shocking, I know.
Nothing to eat until after school. If I couldn't make it through school I'd have one cookie at lunch or Diet Pepsi. Those were the obvious choices to a 14 year-old because for one sugar packs an immediate punch and caffeine is from devil, which in turn makes it a fine choice for staying awake.
When I made it home, I'd have a scoop of Hagen Dazs Coffee Ice Cream. If I was up to it, I'd run. If I ran, I'd allow myself a few bites of dinner otherwise, nothing.
What I haven't told you is that I was also an athlete. I competitively rode horses. I trained in Oregon on the weekends. During this time not only were both of my parent's sick but I also switched trainers. There was drama. It was the perfect opportunity to hide my addiction - she wouldn't know any different, I secretly thought. And, I was right.
I would go the entire weekend having two Diet Cokes and a few bites of dinner...those were the most difficult days. I remember tears streaming down my face in the tack room because I was so hungry and even though I packed a lunch, I wouldn't allow myself to eat it. Punishment for being so fat, I would tell myself.
About eight weeks in - someone noticed. And now, looking back, that is all I ever wanted. I wanted someone to see that I was dying to be noticed.
Of course, I did what any other self respecting addict would do - I denied it.