Kids are insane. We all know that. But to me, no age is insaner than four. There is no method to the madness, no explanation for the moods, no rationale to the irrational. This was a typical day in the life of my four-year-old -thankfully now five year old.
4:30 a.m. Hmm…I’m half awake. It would be so much comfier in mommy and daddy’s bed right smack between them where I can make my body seem almost twice as big and mommy and daddy can pretty much kiss the rest of their sleep goodbye.
4:35 a.m. OH NO! NO NO NO. I left Purple Blanket in my bed! If I cry I’m sure mommy will go get it because I am too tired to walk all the way back to my room.
5:01 a.m. Oh my gosh I overslept! Time to let these people know I need breakfast.
7:30 a.m. Please don’t let mommy tell me that I have to go to school. If mommy tells me it’s a school day I think I might cry. Scratch that. I know I’ll cry. OH NO! Mommy just said it’s a school day!! Oh, I’m snack girl today? That means I’m the line leader when we go outside! I want to go to school right now! Why aren’t we leaving for school NOW?
7:40 a.m. I MUST GET JUICE! I have never ever ever been this thirsty! Ug, why must my mommy always make me say please? It’s so time consuming. She could’ve been back with my juice by the time it took her to get me to say please. She needs to work on her time management skills.
7:55 a.m. Mommy turned on the TV! She totally read my mind! She knew I really really wanted to watch TV.
8:02 a.m. SWEET JESUS, I LOVE CAILLOU! HE’S FOUR JUST LIKE ME! I must relay this news to my mommy twenty times.
8:17 a.m. Why won’t someone change the channel. I’ve been watching Caillou for a thousand hours. He’s good but not that good.
8:30 a.m. I really like to be naked.
8:45 a.m. Mommy has asked me to get dressed so many times today. That’s funny. I wonder if daddy’s iPhone is charged up. I need to play games on daddy’s phone right now. I don’t want to get dressed, I want to play games! Why is mommy trying to make me get dressed? I don’t want to go to school! I want to watch TV and play games all day. Oh yeah, I get to be the line leader, I forgot. I am going to go get dressed.
9:15 a.m. I WANTED TO OPEN THE FRONT DOOR! WHY DID MOMMY OPEN THE FRONT DOOR WHEN I WANTED TO? THERE ARE NO WORDS! ONLY TEARS!
9:30 a.m. I must remind all the kids who are already outside playing in my loudest voice that I am the line leader today and nobody else! Hmm…why doesn’t anyone want to play with me?
10:00 a.m. I LOVE SCHOOL.
10:06 a.m. I HATE SCHOOL.
11:30 a.m. I want to go home right now.
11:45 a.m. I want to live here permanently.
11:46 a.m. I wish my teacher Martha was my mommy. She smells like bubblegum.
11:50 a.m I’m hungry. Oh God I have never been this hungry ever. Never ever.
12:00 Mmmm! pizza! I think I will have two whole bites!
1:00 p.m. I don’t want to take a nap!
1:05 p.m. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..
3:00 p.m. When is my mommy coming to pick me up?? Why isn’t my mommy here? I’m going to cry and cry until my mommy comes to pick me up! Oooh, pretzels.
3:15 p.m. She is still not here! Why why why? I bet Ariel has never had to wait this long for her mommy to pick her up. I wish I were a mermaid. My life would be ten thousand times better if I lived in the ocean.
3:30 p.m. Mommy!!!!! Oh no, mommy’s here! I don’t want to leave!
3:35 p.m. Now would be a great time to remind mommy that she promised to take us to McDonalds today. Why is mommy acting like she’s embarrassed in front of the other mommies? There’s nothing embarrassing about being a great mommy!
3:45 p.m. I wonder where mommy is taking us now. Hopefully the 99 cents store! I LOVE THE 99 CENTS STORE!
4:01 p.m. Why is mommy constantly asking me if I need to go pee-pee? I don’t have to go pee-pee!!!
4:05 I CAN’T BELIEVE MOMMY JUST SAID WE CAN’T GO TO THE 99 CENTS STORE. AM I HAVING A BAD DREAM? PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME THIS IS ONLY A DREAM AND WHEN I WAKE UP I WILL BE GOING TO THE 99 CENTS STORE.
4:06 Uh oh, I have to go pee-pee.
4:15 Oh no, I reeeeaaaally have to go pee pee. I should tell mommy I need to go pee pee.
4:17 Too late.
4:20 Yay, mommy is playing the tickle spider game with me.
4:40 Why does mommy not want to play the tickle spider game anymore? We only played it for ONE MINUTE!
4:42 Phew, mommy turned the TV on. Why is there just a man talking? I want to watch a kids’ show. This is clearly not a kid’s show. Why is mommy not responding when I yell at her to change the channel right now? THIS IS THE WORST MINUTE OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!
4:43 Ha! Fresh Beat Band! Hurray! I love my mommy.
4:44 I’m sad. No reason.
4:46 MY MOUTH IS SO DRY! MUST. GET. JUICE.
5:00 Mommy is in the shower so this would be the absolute perfect time to let her know that I am really hungry.
5:10 Why is mommy getting so frustrated? I only said no to the last fifteen suggestions she made for things to make me to eat. We will find something for me to say y-e-s to eventually. Hopefully it will be pudding.
5:30 I ate one bite of my cream cheese sandwich. I can’t understand why I’m not being allowed to eat my Halloween candy until I have four more bites. I’M FULL.
5:41 I think I will play some games on mommy’s computer. But first I need to put on a costume.
6:50 Daddy’s home! Unfortunately, I’m a little tied up playing Jake and the Neverland Pirates so I can’t go say hi to him. I’ll let him come to me.
7:00 Why won’t mommy and daddy let me play any more games? I only started playing them a few minutes ago! THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED TO ME! There aren’t enough tears in the world to express how strongly I feel about this.
7:45 I don’t want to get in my jammies! I want to sleep in my costume tonight! I NEED TO SLEEP IN MY COSTUME! NOOOOOOOO…
8:00 Those were good stories. But I sure am hungry. I better tell mommy that I’m ready for my cream cheese sandwich now.
8:34 I’M STILL HUNGRY. I’M SO SO SO HUNGRY. AND THIRSTY. NEED JUICE. FINE. MILK THEN.
8:37 WHERE IS MY PURPLE BLANKET? I CAN’T FIND IT ANYWHERE! HOW CAN I SLEEP WITHOUT PURPLE BLANKET? I must yell and yell until someone comes running. Oh purple blanket was right next to me? Well how was I supposed to know that? Since daddy is here I should tell him that I hate school and that all of the kids are so mean. Hey, where is he going?
8:45 I CAN’T SLEEP! OH NO! I CAN’T FALL ASLEEP! I’ll NEVER EVER BE ABLE TO FALL ASLEEP!
4:30 Mommy and Daddy’s bed sounds so good right now…