Family Arguments: 6 Steps of the Parent Anger Cycle
Posted Jul 26 2008 11:14am
The Players: You (mom/dad), older teen kid, younger tween kid
7:53am If you want to be on-time for the bus, you have to get the kids out the door, shoes on, finish putting sandwiches in baggies and run them to the corner.
7:55am Your son did not pack his backpack. You are furious that he will make everyone late as you and your other child run around trying to find his cleats, glove and water bottle for sports camp.
8:03 am You are soangrythey forgot again and yell at them all the way out the door (and definitely no time for a kiss goodbye).
9:36am You just cleaned up the kitchen and cleared morning emails. What was it that I said to him on theway out? That he was lazy? That he made everything difficult? That he was unappreciative. Did everyone on the bus see me yelling? Theguiltstarts to sink in.
10:40am You are at the grocery store and see Son’s favorite ice cream and chocolate sauce. You feel really bad,remorsefuland want to make it up to him for yelling.
2:30pm As you are making his favorite sloppy joes you realize that none of the other mothers would yell like this at their kids. You are embarrassed andangry at your selffor losing control and not thinking about packing the backpack she night before.
3:06pm Kids are home, you apologize about yelling and tell them about sloppy joes and they do not seem phased about the morning incident, saying “no worries, it’s always like that.” You wonder if it is always like that, then why doesn’t he just pack his backpack the night before?
5:45pm Dinner, kids come down late, complain that the sloppy joes aren’t sloppy enough and asked to be excused to play video games. You realize that it is your son who should be sorry for not packing his bag and feelresentfulyou have to do everything.
8:00pm You make them eat dessert by themselves and make them clean the kitchen. When they ask you about going to a movie this weekend you say no, you can’t and play mommymartyrand do the laundry.
7:53am Did he pack his backpack?…
Anger “Mommy Rage” Guilt Remorse Anger at self Resentment Martyrdom
Recognize this cycle? I see it all the time with parents and the cycle seems to repeat itself over and over again.
1) Does this happen to you? Examine your own patterns, maybe for you it’s anger, guilt, resentment and remorse?
2) Identify Triggers Not cleaning the dishes? Feet on the table? Not calling home enough? Find your trigger zones and tip-offs.
3) Tell Other People Tell your kids and spouse that you are trying to identify these areas, do they have any ideas? Any trigger areas of their own to break?
4) Change a Habit Whatever you can do to change a trigger. Get Up way earlier, go for a walk before breakfast. Studies have shown that any break in pattern can off set all of the rest of your triggers.
The most important thing is to be aware of your actions and that this is a common cycle you are not alone!