Last week I took an unintentional week off from my blog and writing.
I literally put it all out of my mind until Thursday night when it suddenly hit me that I hadn’t written or even checked in for over a week.
Not always, but often…when I’m not writing, I’m running.
There is this inner spiritual struggle going on in my heart.
And because I write with ALL MY HEART, when I’m in a place filled with question marks, I find it difficult to write. When I don’t want to think, I simply CANNOT and WILL NOT write.
I realize many of you don’t necessarily care or need to read yet another deep “pondering about life” blog post from me, which is why I hesitate even writing right now.
But, it’s not always about me, and one thing I’ve learned from this blog is that I am not alone.
So if I’m in this place, I have to believe someone else reading this might be as well.
I wanted to share a quote I heard a couple weeks ago on one of my “church walks” that really gave me some comfort in the midst of this struggle, and hope that it comforts you as well.
“Doubt is natural within faith. It comes because of our human weakness and frailty… Unbelief is the decision to live your life as if there is no God. It is a deliberate decision to reject Jesus Christ and all that he stands for. But doubt is something quite different. Doubt arises within the context of faith. It is a wistful longing to be sure of the things in which we trust. But it is not and need not be a problem. Alister McGrath
My pastor and close family friend put it to me like this… “Our faith is like a car that we use and drive in. When we want to understand it further we need to park the car for minute and examine the engine. This is exciting and we can understand how it works, but we cannot drive with the engine all taken apart. We need to take the time to understand that theology is hard because you cannot just go forward with each thing you learn, but not until you are able to put it all back into the engine. There is an expression from the Westminister confession that is called ‘Semper Reformada’ or ‘Always Reforming.’ Every time we learn something better it affects in nuanced ways, what we already know. This is the process of getting to know the God who is actually there not the one we’ve made up our whole lives.”
I’m not the best version of me at the moment.
I’ve parked my car and the entire engine has been taken apart and it’s all just sitting in front of me looking like a big mess at the moment.
But, writing it out I suppose, is the first step for me.
It means I’m no longer running…