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Does giving birth hurt...and other strange google searches

Posted Jan 04 2010 4:30am
With the beginning of the new year, I thought it would be nice to start it off with poking some humor at the google searches that have brought people to my blog.
1) can God make my uterus appear? - I've heard of people asking God for some crazy stuff but this, by far, has to be the strangest request I've ever heard. I'd be interested to know if He's able to help you out because I sure would like for my fat ass to DISappear.

2) i'm living with this hudge problem since i was borm - Uh, let me take a wild guess as to what problem you're referring to.....spelling, perhaps?

3) does giving birth hurt - Seriously? You just know a guy googled this after he watched his wife give birth and then accused her of being overly dramatic. I'll bet his next google search was "Will I be able to father more children after being violently kicked in the balls?"

4) A mother turns a merry-go-round while her child rides on it. After the mother stops spinning the mer - And then what? You can't end the google search there. I need to know how this ends. Here, I'll finish it for you...After the mother stops spinning the merry-go-round, her child hops off the ride, grabs her by the hand and says, "You're the best mommy ever. Thank you for bringing me to the park. Let's go home now so you can watch your favorite tv show while I clean my room and make my bed. After I'm done, it would give me nothing but pure happiness if you would let me rub your sore feet".

5) why god made mothers - Well, that's an obvious one....He needed someone to keep things running smoothly in the family, as well as someone who could ensure that the children never leave the house going commando or with dried snot streaks on the side of their faces. Can I get an Amen?

6) Why does my cat stare at me when I'm on my period - Probably because he's waiting for your head to spin around 10 times and then explode. Either that, or he's getting ready to take you down the minute you reach for that bag of chocolate...he's thinking, "Oh yeah, it's that time of the month again and I's about to get me some chocolate, even it does cost me my 8th life".

7) A family with two sets of twins - Yeah, that would be me...what would you like to know? Perhaps the most effective type of birth control? How to go broke in a period of one year? What are the reasons why some mothers drink before 10:00 am? Or all of the above?

8) did you know when you kiss someone their germs stay inside your mouth for 7 weeks - I did NOT know that but thank you for clearing that up for me. Did you know that when you have unprotected sex with someone, their baby stays inside your uterus for 9 months? Oh, and you'll have stretch marks and saggy boobs for the rest of your life (no need to thank me for this additional pearl of wisdom...I kinda owed you one).

9) how to "TRULY" enjoy your child's birthday party - it's spelled V-O-D-K-A. You're welcome.

10) "wife to husband translator" - this poor person landed on this post. I'm curious if it helped at all....or maybe it just made things worse?

11) I'm going to drop kick your boob if you don't give me back my pineapple Dude smoking crack, say what? First of all, this makes no sense. Secondly, does someone stealing your pineapple honestly condone an act of violence? Why can't you just go to the store and buy yourself another pineapple? Geez, get over it.

12) can you take Wellbutrin when you have kids - Well, duh...kids ARE the reason you need to take Wellbutrin in the first place.

13) my husband has passworded his pc, what does this mean - Come on now, are you really that naive that you have to google this? Perhaps you are, so I'll just be straight-forward with you...Tiger Woods. Are you getting the picture now?

14) has anyone ever wanted twins and gotten them - Yes and yes...and then some

15) I'm heaven sent, that makes me hell proof - Unless you heard that from God himself, I wouldn't go around bragging about that. God giveth and He can take awayeth.

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