Do you ever get the feeling that God is testing you?
Posted Jan 14 2009 8:55pm
That's how I've been feeling the last few days. I seriously think God is testing me...I always refer to the saying "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" but I'm starting to think I'm wrong on that one. The kid have been sick, my hormones are causing horrible mood swings, and there's lots of family drama to top it all off. I figure I'll tackle the things I can control, like the family drama...I've adopted a "just let it roll of my back" attitude about it all. I'm just keeping my mouth shut, keeping my opinion to my self and not stirring the pot anymore than it's already been stirred.
The kids being sick...well, I can't really control that but it's been very stressful, especially because Tim's been out of town on business. What a really crappy time for him to be gone, right? I ended up taking Landon to the pedi yesterday because he's had a fever for the last 3 days and he started wheezing Tuesday morning...the pedi thought it was just a typical cold but he sent him for a chest x-ray to make sure it wasn't anything more than that. Turns out it's more than a cold, it's pneumonia!! My poor little chicken baby! He and Cole are always gonna be the ones who get the worst of everything...Landon just got over RSV like a month ago and now he has pneumonia. So he's being treated with antibiotics and lots of TLC and I can tell after just one day of being on the meds, he's doing better. He's starting to eat now...he went a good 24 hours without eating anything, which was concerning to me. And he didn't sleep...how can a baby go for days on end without sleep??? I was ready to pull my hair out....and then I would feel extremely guilty because he's sick and he can't help it, he just wants to be held and feel comforted, which under normal circumstances would be fine but I was all alone with all 4 kids, who are all sick! On Tuesday and Wednesday, I was pretty much running around like a chicken with my head cut off all day taking care of them...and at one point I forgot who had what medicine when and that really threw me for a loop. I started to write things down from that point.....it just sucked, plain and simple.
My hormones....what a mess! I'm convinced now that maybe I'm no longer suffering from depression but maybe a simple case of hormonal imbalance. Well, I guess that wouldn't be considered "simple" but at least I'd know what the hell is going on with me. I was doing fine for awhile there but now I just feel "off" again....I have horrible mood swings, I'm in a rage over the littlest things, my skin is incredibly dry to the point where it hurts and it's itchy, my hair is falling out in clumps, my tummy hurts all the time (I've dropped 15 pounds in the last month), and that's only the half of it. I won't even getting into the nitty gritty of my screwed up cycles. I started suspecting something was wrong when out of nowhere I just started feeling like crap again, like I did when I was first diagnosed with PPD. And I'm taking the anti-depressant and I was doing fine so I started wondering if it was something more. Perhaps just diving further into peri-menopause?? So I started doing some reading and I think it boils down to hormonal imbalance....and I was happy to learn from all my reading that I don't have to put more medicine into my body to fix it. I have to change my diet in a huge way and start taking more vitamins and supplements. I'm hoping that will be the answer, anyway. I have an appt with my ob/gyn in July to talk more about it...in the meantime, I really need to get in touch with my regular dr for a thyroid panel again. It's been a year since I've had one done and I wouldn't be surprised if that was contributing to some of how I've been feeling.
On a final note, Cole and Bella's preschool promotion was today....not really graduation since they'll still be in preschool next year but it'll be pre-K, the last year before kindergarten. But they're being promoted to the pre-K class from the 3's class so the school made a big deal out of it. At the start of the ceremony, they showed a slide show of pictures taken throughout the school year to the song "A Friend's a Friend Forever" and I was near tears throughout the whole thing. Just seeing how much Cole and Bella have grown in the last year and seeing them with their friends in the pictures...it was heart warming. And then they put on a little performance, singing 3 songs and then getting their little "diplomas"....I can't even begin to imagine how difficult they're high school graduation will be if I get this emotional over a little preschool promotion ceremony. I just can't get over how quickly the last 3.5 years have gone by...and soon my babies will be off to kindergarten in fall 2009.
I have to keep reminding myself to slow down and enjoy this time with them. I often find myself cleaning or doing something that could wait instead of spending quality time with them. The other day I was sweeping the floor and Cole and Bella wanted me to dance with them and I kept saying "in a minute, in a minute". Then it was like a light bulb went off above my head...an Oprah "aha moment"....I better take advantage of this time with them before they're older and they don't want me for a dancing partner anymore. I better take advantage of tucking them in bed and laying with them for 10 minutes until they fall asleep because someday they won't want me laying in bed with them....the time will be upon me soon enough and I don't want to look back and think "I should've spent more time with them instead of cleaning the house". I just need to find a happy balance somewhere because between the 4 of them, I feel like I run an assembly line all day long....the feeding loop, the diaper changing loop, the potty break loop, the nap loop...then the feeding loop happens all over again....but somewhere in there I need to squeeze in some "fun time", even if that means leaving food crumbs on the floor so I can go dance with them!