I guess I should start this by saying that we are HUGE Disney fans...seriously. HUGE HUGE fans in this house. Just so you know.
Now that I got that out of the way, here's where I blast you for your latest movie, Tangled, which had some serious flaws, in my opinion. Even though the film was given excellent reviews and most everyone who saw it said they enjoyed it, still....there's always a downside.
I'm sure those serious flaws haven't been pointed out to you by this point because....well, my daughter hadn't seen the film until a couple months ago.
Sorry I'm just now getting this message to you...the kids have been sick, we had a flood in our downstairs bathroom...excuses, excuses.
I'll blame it on the rain. If Milli Vanilli could do it, then so can I.
So, the message in the film is to take a chance on life...step outside your comfort zone for once and you may get to life your life happily ever after, with the man of your dreams....and all that shit.
My daughter and I finally got a chance to see Tangled and we quite enjoyed it, as did everyone else in the theater. I even found myself a little teary-eyed at the end...wondering why I couldn't have had the same luck as your fair-haired princess.
You know, finding out that my real parents were actually a king and queen who reigned over a joyous kingdom, chock full of nothing but happy, positive people.
Sorry, I still have some unresolved issues from my childhood. Bitter, party of one?
I should probably give you a little history of what had happened in our home prior to us seeing this movie so you can truly appreciate where I'm coming from.
My daughter had received one of those Butterfly Habitats for her birthday. The caterpillars arrived in the mail and we got them set up in their new home...and we waited. And we watched. And we waited. The whole "lather, rinse, repeat" crap.
Finally, the caterpillars turned into chrysalides and we found ourselves watching and waiting yet again. I began to fear that the butterflies were never going to emerge from their disgusting, black shells and felt it was probably due time to have the "death talk" with my daughter.
I explained that something may have gone wrong...maybe our house was too cool, maybe I didn't attach them correctly to the netting as explained in the directions, maybe the butterflies just didn't like me anymore and no longer wanted to play with me at recess (sorry, childhood issues again)...whatever.
We had the whole "it's sad when a pet dies" conversation. She wanted to know if there was some way to bring a dead pet back to life. And I had to tell her that as sad as death is and as much as we want the pet to still be here with us, it's just a part of life...nature takes its course and the whole circle of life shit.
Now, this entire conversation was merely a "just in case". I told her that I wasn't sure if they were dead or not but a significant amount of time had passed and I wanted to prepare her, just in case the entire butterfly experiment failed.
Okay, so now you're up to speed...so she loves the movie, I love the movie.
Then we get towards the end of the film...you know, the scene where the handsome dude dies after being stabbed and Rapunzel is holding him, crying a river of tears...completely broken-hearted that she's lost her one true love?
The scene where one of her magical tears lands on his face and BRINGS HIM BACK TO LIFE?!
Yeah, THAT scene....
Through the darkness in the theater, I could feel my daughter's piercing stare. I turned to her and she began to say, "I thought you said...."
I leaned over and whispered to her, "Now is not the time....shhhh, let's finish watching the movie".
She sat back in her chair, arms crossed angrily over her chest...as she continued to glare at the screen and then back at me again.
Thank you, folks at Disney, for this putting me in this craptastic situation. For God's sake, don't any of you have extremely opinionated children?!
As soon as the movie ended, my daughter grabbed my hand and insisted on knowing why I had lied to her.
"See, Mommy, people can come back to life. That guy in the movie was dead and the princess made him alive again with her tears! Why did you lie to me," she whined.
I imagined her 10 years from now, laying on her therapist's sofa and crying about how cruel and conniving her mother was...
"You don't even understand," she'd say. "She was such a hateful woman...I mean, she even lied to me about death. I saw with my own two eyes Rapunzel bringing her boyfriend back to life...so clearly, my mother's whole point of being was to fill my head with nothing but deception and lies. Oh, woe is me..."
And then she would dramatically place her hand over her forehead while dabbing away the tears in her eyes with her other hand.
Looking around, I responded, "Do you see any other kids asking their parents that same question? NO, everyone is completely satisfied with the way the movie turned out!! Why do you have to analyze it...can't you just appreciate the message that if you step outside your comfort zone and if you're lucky enough to find someone who brings out the best in you that you'll live happily ever after?!"
But no...she wasn't about to let it rest. And, since she was already pissed off at me, she threw another zinger at me....
"Why did that lady steal the princess from her parents?" she demanded.
Oh, I got this one. Here was my chance to make up for my #34,876 shameful parent fail...or was that 34,877...I've lost count.
I answered, "You know how I'm always talking to you about stranger danger....that's a classic example of why you shouldn't talk to strangers!"
Before I could explain further, she said, "But the lady was nice to the girl. She loved her and fed her. She didn't hurt her at all."
Seriously, Disney people?! What the hell is wrong with you?! Didn't think that any of the sweet children seeing your movie would pick up on those two inherently fucked up messages...thought they'd just focus on the fact that the Princess got what she wanted in the long run?!
Oh, who cares if some evil bitch kidnapped the princess and kept her locked away in a tower for 18 years...who cares that there is no way possible to bring even someone as awesome as Mother Theresa back to life, not even with magical teardrops?
My point is that for every 100 children out there who enjoyed this movie based solely on entertainment purposes, there are roughly 5 children who harrassed and hen-pecked their poor parents to the point of no return, while demanding detailed explanations to some of life's most complicated questions.
Never mind that this movie was PG-13...I knew that going into it. All the reviews said it was a fantastic "family movie for children of all ages" so why wouldn't I think it was appropriate for my 6-year old daughter, right?
Apparently, all you folks at Disney who aren't "blessed" with those strong-willed, nosy 5 children out of a 100, I'm sure.
I'd really hate to ban my children from seeing any more future Disney movies but, honestly, my nerves can't take this shit anymore.
Tired, exhausted and plain pissed off Mother of 4 extremely opinionated, strong-willed, nosy children