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Dear Crabby...

Posted Aug 11 2008 9:13pm
Yesterday I put it out there that I am willing and able to answer your questions about anything and everything just as long as it's interesting to me because, hell, I make no money off of this blog so I need to be entertained too. I am now going to attempt to answer three questions from the ones posed to me. I will be doing this every Friday so feel free to email me anytime with more sticky situations. There were so many good questions posed and I will get to most of them so if yours wasn't included in this first batch it will be addressed next week.

Here are the questions I've chosen for my maiden voyage:

Dear Crabby: Um, I need help with a problem. I have an itch. Well, it burns too. Do you think I should have warned my BFF BEFORE I used her toilet? Is that just uncool of me?

Dear BFF: I'm assuming you are saying that your vagina is burning. I think we all know what that means...someone's talking about it. Take it as a compliment and I suggest bringing your own paper toilet coverings where ever you go. Especially my house. But that's just me.

Dear Crabby: Ever since having the baby (10 months ago), sex has been really low on my priority list. My husband has been very understanding, but frankly between being "touched" out from always holding the baby, the residual discomfort from a 4th deg tear and feeling like a big, fat slob because I haven't lost those last few baby pounds, I just don't feel like it. We had a healthy sex life before and now it's once or twice a month, maybe. Seriously, does it get better?

Dear Sex Drought:

I'm pissed. Don't worry, not at you. I'm pissed because when I went to see the Sex And the City movie none of the other women could believe that Miranda was barely ever having sex. And Steve supposedly had an affair because of it. Charlotte was having "great" sex three times a week, Carrie's Mr. Big (after 9 years together) was "coloring outside of the lines" it was so mindblowing good (there was even hot making out) and Samantha was still doing it even though her relationship was on the skids. Fuck all that. This, my friend, did a huge disservice to real women everywhere. I know very few women whose sex lives return to normal during the year after they pop out their first kid, let alone their second. Even the women I know that have sex fairly regularly (and fairly regularly among friends of mine who are even having sex) is every two weeks.

If your husband is sympathetic, then I don't see what the problem is. You will eventually get your groove back when you are sleeping very regularly and have a schedule that's somewhat under control. but it will probably never be the hot sex that you once had before kids. I could tell you to schedule sex, buy sex toys or lingerie etc. but from personal experience I don't think this is the problem. Motivation is the problem. You are tired, you are "touched" out - please, we all get it! If your husband were to leave you or have an affair, it wouldn't be because you're only putting out once or twice a month. Men who cheat are simply men who cheat. It doesn't matter if you're putting out every night and look like Rachel Bilson. We've all heard that old joke right "Show me a supermodel and I'll show you a guy who's sick of fucking her." It's not about the sex. It's not about those few extra baby weight pounds. Your husband may want to just feel close and connected with you again. Sex brings two people closer together for sure. But during the droughts your sense of humor, comraderie and teamwork should help close that gap. Be a little more patient with yourself. And if you really feel guilty, you can always throw a few blowjobs his way while you wait for you libido to return.

Dear Crabby, My brother-in-law is kind of an ass. He's divorced and his mother (my mother-in-law) has been raising his 8-year-old daughter for him for the past 6 years (like, seriously, she stays there at least 5 nights out of the week).He got married in December to a woman who has a 4-year-old son from a previous relationship who HER mother has raised since he was an infant. Now that they're married, my mother-in-law always has both kids all the time. It's not just that she keeps them a lot. She supervises all of my niece's homework, buys both kids' school clothes, takes him to the doctor every time they're sick, pays for their extracurricular activities (dance lessons, t-ball, etc...not to mention that she carts them back and forth to all that stuff). It's not that my brother-in-law and his wife can't afford this stuff (not to mention childcare), it's just that they're inconsiderate and lazy and apparently don't mind putting people out.

Anyway, I just found out that his new wife is pregnant. I think this is so irresponsible considering that they don't take care of the kids they already have. Brother-in-law called my husband and told him about it, but I'm sure there'll be some kind of big announcement at our family reunion this weekend.My question is - how am I supposed to act? I know the proper thing would be to just say congratulations and bite my tongue, but damn I don't want to. My anger about this situation has been building for some time, considering that we have a one-year-old son who my in-laws never help with at all (because they always have brother-in-law's kids).Am I justified in being upset about this? I know that I can't control anyone's decisions regarding family planning, but I'm just so angry right now that they actually planned to have another baby when they never have anything to do with the two children they already have. It just seems so irresponsible to me, and so unfair to my mother-in-law (who has expressed privately to me that she's unhappy with the way my brother-in-law doesn't take care of his daughter and stepson).I'm not really asking what to do about the situation, since there's really nothing I CAN do, and blowing up at them will just create major family drama. But I guess I just want to know if you think I have a valid point, and if it makes sense for me to be upset about this. Am I being immature, or are they being selfish and short-sighted?

Dear Immature or Shortsighted:

I find it interesting that in coming to the end of your situation, you say there's really nothing you can do. You're right. I think you have a problem with boundaries. Why do I think that? Because I do too. I recognize the signs. When a co-worker at your job gets unfairly demoted to you feel outraged and want to march into the boss's office to defend your associate? Yeah, well, not your business, hon. The real problem here is that your B-I-L needs to man up and take care of his kids. That part is obvious. But if he hasn't done it by now, he's not going to start anytime soon. Plus, your M-I-L is enabling him by doing everything for the kids even if she complains about it to you. Yes, you have a one-year-old who is getting the short shrift in this deal. On the other hand, you have a one-year-old who has you! Yeah, it bites not to have help because a couple of losers are sucking all the energy out of the one person who could be helping your for free (not to mention being a part of your child's life) can't change the situation. A lot of parents suck at parenting; watched Dr. Phil lately? So, I suggest you pay for a babysitter more often to give yourself a break and to help you not feel so resentful. I also agree that you can't blow up at anyone without making the situation worse. So, decide not to even listen to stories about your brother and sister in law anymore because it's just going to irritate you. They truly sound like assholes. So, yeah, I'm on your side. And they don't deserve your time or energy.

Hope this helps!

I will answer more next Friday!

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