I'm in the CrApple store. This is because my CrAppleiPhone is broken. It quite simply decided to go to sleep (I hate the way these people talk about technology like it is human) and not wake up.
Let me run you through my history with CrApple.
I bought my MacBook in New York, New York, it was the hot shot new model at the time. It was the days before the advance when I simply lived on a hope and a prayer. I thought, I'm gonna write a book, I need a laptop to live the dream. Yeah, I'm living the dream.
A month before the deadline, it went irretrievably dead. I'd been storming it all day and written two chapters. I was moving house, I saved the chapters to the hard drive. The MacBook went to sleep, god bless it, never woke up. How sweet.
ONLY I LOST TWO FREAKING CHAPTERS which never ever made it into the book because there just wasn't time. Don't talk to me about backing up: one can't back up every couple of minutes, and besides, shit hot technology with shit hot prices should last the distance. A year's usage for hefty $1300 is crap.
Then the charger went KAPUT when I was on an edit deadline. Then the new charger went KAPUT when I was on another edit deadline.
Then my love for Apple was lost.
For some stupid reason I updated my CrackBerry to a CrApple phone. I say CrackBerry because it was CRACKING! Why oh why did I leave it to rot at Carphone Warehouse?
I'm waiting on a bench in the CrApple store, I came here yesterday and was told to come back to speak to the "Genuis Bar", now there is a queue of people much like you'd find at a parent and baby clinic nursing broken things in the hope they get better.
I said, "How can a premium product fail after 6 weeks?! If you were a customer wouldn't you be unhappy?" He said, "It's high technology, they fail. If they didn't, I'd be out of a job. Wait over on that bench for an hour and a half and we'll try to repair it for you." "Can't I just have an exchange?" I almost shouted. "It's not like socks," he snarked.
I know a CrAPPLE phone is not like socks. Signing the dotted line, I was told it is a £650 phone and the dog's biscuits....... IT LASTED FOR SIX WEEKS ------GIVE ME A BREAK!!! Primark pyjamas last longer that that and they cost £4 a pair.
I run my life on that phone, we don't have internet or a landline at home. My contacts are long gone. Apparently it's all my fault. Not their fault for making RUBBISH stuff which are basically posh toys for idiots like me.
I'm going back to letter writing, it's the new texting. When I wrote letters the only thing that broke was the pencil nib.
OH and Jack's with me. And I need the toilet. And I need to feed him, And they reckon a 1.5 hour bus journey, followed by a 1.5 hour wait in store to be told me phone is CRAP and broken is expedient.
It's like a cult. Only I'm a non believer. And want to spearhead a mutiny.