C ongratulations! You had sex with your wife!! Now you’re going around telling your friends about the sex you had with your wife. You’re even telling your parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, maybe even little cousins or siblings about having sex with your wife. Is this wrong? Your wife is doing it too, her friends are even hugging her and telling her how blessed she is because she had sex with you.
Because you had sex with your wife, you may feel either excited, upset, confused or even overwhelmed. No matter how you feel, this blessed sexual event, your life is going to change forever. You’re going to be a Daddy!
I have four children (one being my bonus son when I married my wife) and one on the way, so I have had sex with my wife at least four times. From the first time we found out that she was pregnant, I have always thought it was funny the way we as a society tell people we are expecting a baby in nine months because, if you think about it, she got pregnant somehow. More than likely your name isn’t Joseph and married to a Mary who was immaculately impregnated by the Almighty God, so that leaves one other traditional way.
I always wanted to tell her dad the way I described it above. “Hey Dad, guess what…” Then I would go into the description of what we learned in the Sex-Ed course taught by the High School Football’s Defensive Coach. I tend to think that he wouldn’t appreciate it as much as I would. But that would make it all the more funnier. Hey if Coach Sullivan knows how it works, then I should too.
I have three living and breathing kids that I help create, I should be more experienced than Coach Sully. I’m also currently going through it again, so I now I consider myself an expert.
So, because I am an expert, I feel that I should compile a list of things that Coach Sully doesn’t tell you after the course is over. Stuff that if you knew before you had this sex with your wife, you might have thought twice that night before having that extra Corona and lime.
Hopefully, some of you are going through this at the same time and can take notes. Maybe some of you are trying to have another child and maybe this could be of some help. There are the other experts that are sitting there going, “Yep! That dude knows what he’s talking about. Baby get me another Corona!” Then there are some of you other experts that are sitting there going, “OMFG!! This guy is an idiot! How did he get access to this blog?!?!” I pray that you are the three former and not the later. But if you are in the last category, hopefully down the line, you will see that I’m not an idiot, but a dad who loves his wife, his kids, and the entire experience that everything has been.
I plan this to be an ongoing bit that will tackle many of the issues that we as expecting and new fathers will no doubt go through. If you join me, I promise that you will have fun and enjoy the ride. I might even ask you for directions or to drive for a bit.
Some of the issues I plan to address in this column will be:
How to Tell Family and Friends
Getting Ready for Hospital
That Damn Pacifier
I look forward to doing this and hope that some of this actually can benefit you in someway or another. Even if you’re just confused if “impregnated” or “inpregnated” is the correct spelling. Hopefully you will find humor and realize that most of this will be tongue in cheek.
I understand that some of you may not be married and having children, I prefer to tell my stories in the more traditional ways. Please do not take my traditional ways as judgment in any form. I look forward to your comments, questions and suggestions.