Normally I am overjoyed when the time comes to cozy up in bed with my laptop and my diet soda and sit down to blog and read blogs. Normally. Tonight is not a normal night. Tonight I am sitting here in my bed, with my soda crackling and fizzing next to me, waiting for me to drink it. My girls are peacefully asleep in their beds and I sit here at my laptop. Cold. Numb. Sad.
Death is a very strange part of life. Not only is it inevitable but also with it comes a tidal wave of other inevitable things that need to be done, emotions, or lack thereof.
My grandpa died tonight. It looks strange to write it. Dead. Died. D.E.A.D. – D.I.E.D as in no longer alive, no longer breathing, no longer on this planet and no longer making memories. Instead he is only a memory. It’s surreal and as tears pour down my cheeks and I try not to let sobs of mourning break out of my chest so as not to wake my girls, I blog. I blog. Blog. How strange that I would seek solace in something that is not ‘real’ to console the reality that hurts so deeply.
It’s a funny thing also. Death. You can see it coming sometimes. Wait for it and even expect it, but when it arrives, when the last breath leaves the person who is dying and dying becomes dead, something changes. A wave of emotions unlike any other unearth themselves and threaten to crush the ones left living. Sadness, exhaustion, fear, anger, relief, sorrow, pain, all mixed into one giant fist in the gut that leaves you breathless.
I’m quietly frustrated in addition to all the other turmoil within me. He was my grandfather for 25 years and I don’t get to say goodbye. Not in life. He’s gone. Not in death. There is no money for me to travel 1000 miles to his funeral. So while almost everyone else who has good memories of this man in their life get to go share in the mourning process, pay their respects and say goodbye, I get to mourn alone.
I’m not fond of being alone, especially in situations such as this. Situations when all I want to do is crawl into a deep dark hole and cry until I have no more tears. I don’t want to answer to anyone, have the responsibility to do anything. I just want to be alone, but not alone. Alone with my sorrow but among other mourners. Not alone with my sorrow all by myself.
In addition to the overwhelming sadness of my grandpa’s passing and the frustrations of not being able to go to his funeral I am dually stressed by the fact that my mom has been gone for a while now. Buzzy asks for her, looks for her and now she isn’t coming back until Tuesday. Not only is she not coming back until Tuesday but Buzzy’s Auntie NeeNee is leaving and her Momo (great gramma) is leaving too. She is going to think everyone has abandoned her.
And what does a mother say to her 20 month old? Your great grandpa died and they flew 1000 miles away to his funeral? No. She wouldn’t even begin to be able to comprehend that. So what do I tell her? So far Nana (my mom) has been at work for the last FEW days. It’s a good thing 20 month olds don’t have any kind of understanding of time or I’d be SOL with that excuse. But now Momo and NeeNee too?
Truth be told I am completely petrified of being 100% alone with my girls for several days. My mom or my sister or my gramma has always been there if I needed them. Granted my grandpa is there (my other grandpa) my aunt and uncle are there too and my uncle’s in-laws are there in case of emergencies, but . . .
My world is leaving me to go somewhere I feel I need to be too. Tough nubs, as a character on my daughter’s favorite TV show has said. I don’t get the luxury of doing what I want or even feel I should be able to do. And so I shall sit here, until everyone returns, in my bed every night.