I’ve been digging, you guys.
There’s been lots of “studying and praying”… although I have to confess my praying style now is unlike anything it’s ever been before.
Maybe it’s more real.
More of what God must have always truly seen in the depths of who I am.
I’m laying down my protective/defensive walls, and allowing myself to feel vulnerable in a way that is completely unfamiliar to me.
I can tell you without hesitation, that I doubt my abilities as a writer, a parent, a wife, and a friend.
But there is an inner trembling that takes over with my admission that I am in a place of understanding God.
I thought parenting humbled me…
but parenting has nothing on this place I’m in now.
There seems to be a collection of thoughts, words, sayings, ideas, illustrations, theology tidbits, and so on and so on that are tumbling around back and forth throughout my mind.
And I intentionally settle into each moment as it comes.
I don’t want to be convinced or persuaded.
I simply want to understand and know.
I’m not attempting to chase a feeling.
I’m interested in pursuing the truth of who God is.
God is real.
How can I doubt that?
It’s just incredibly hard to understand His nature.
And WHY He chose to do things the way He did.
It doesn’t make sense to my brain, as limited and small as it is.
And that’s where I am.
In the most basic terms, I am finally getting to know God.
And just to share, for the sake of sharing…. you know in case someone else with a brain like mine might need to read some of what I’ve been reading and pondering, here are a few links to what I have been starting with.
Dug Down Deep : I don’t quite have the brain to read deep books on theology. At least not yet. But, this book…Oh this book. I’m about halfway through, with a highlighter, and it’s just good. I admit that I was hesitant to read this because as my friend said, “I kissed Joshua Harris goodbye when I got married!” But, as it turns out, he’s walked a similar path in his faith, and he has a gift for making systematic theology understandable, readable and relatable.
Biblical Jiu Jitsu and specifically this post to start, Threat of theology . I encourage you to dig deep in the posts though, and click through to links, as the depths to your learning will be endless and exciting.
Potters Freedom (haven’t read yet, but it’s been suggested to me, and it’s on my list.)