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challenged

Posted Nov 28 2012 6:00am
Challenged.

I was recently asked to pick a word that described my life lately and after some deep thought, that was the only one I could come up with.

I've been challenged in health...
Marriage...
Life...
Parenting...
Relationships...
Family...
Faith.

Faith is sometimes the hardest challenge of all, especially when you take your eyes off the Perfecter of it and onto the ones who are doing (sometimes) their best to live it out.

We are all so far from perfect.
We fail so often.
And eventually we will hurt and disappoint people, even when we try our hardest not to.

I've been there recently.
And with all the other stuff going on, it's caused me to question a lot of things.

I found myself in this place where I was so focused on my hurt, on my disappointment, on my confusion and lack of clear direction and understanding that I simply felt paralyzed and my mind became cloudy.

It was exhausting.
I've been exhausted.
And sick.
And just....
feeling so lost.

And then the other day I found myself in an emotionless "tell it like it is" moment with God.

I was folding laundry and suddenly I prayed out loud....

"God... 
I'm so done.  I just can't feel angry or hurt or lost or confused anymore.  But honestly, I also can't seem to muster up the strength to care passionately either.  So I guess I just ask that you'd help me to simply accept where I am and whatever it is you are doing with me.Help me to remain faithful to you, even when everything here doesn't always make sense."
And as I continued to fold away, suddenly the giant knot of anger inside began to fade a little.

The challenges are still there.
Not a single thing has changed.

But my grip of control has.
And in the last few days I feel released.
Calmer.
More thankful and aware of what is right in my world..

And I went to bed last night feeling such deep gratitude for what God has blessed me with.

I am living my dream.
I have an incredibly loving, supportive, loyal, understanding and committed husband who loves the Lord and desires to honor Him.
I have kids that are healthy and sweet and unconditionally love me despite my faults and failures as a mom sometimes.
I have friends that understand and get me and are like my family, and that is rare.
And I get to be a writer, which is exactly what I have always dreamed and prayed I'd be able to do one day, and here I am.

So yes.

Challenged may still be the word to describe where I am...
But at least now I can see that in those challenges are incredible blessings.

And that is how I know my God is real.

© 2012 "Le Musings of Moi"
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