I have a busy day ahead of me. A TON of errands to run with the in-laws before they make their way back home to Florida this weekend.
So, because my mind is on other things I have decided to be lazy and post a link to my sister's myspace blog. Unfortunately, her blog is set to private so that didn't work.
So, I decided to copy and paste it here on my blog.
I warn you, it's rather x-rated, but very, very funny.
If you feel like laughing your ass off then scroll down and enjoy.
If you are easily offended then you may want to skip it.
Have a great weekend!
Love, sex and relationship bullshit.....basically we're all fucked
On the outside, I am often told i appear to be a young college age kid. in actuality, I'm a 24 year old woman. But in my own neurotic head, I'm a bitter and predictably jaded middle aged woman. From here on out, mentally at least, It's just a sleigh ride into menapause. While I haven't been alive long enough to expereince as many dating horrors as my elders, in my personal opinion I've had to deal with a steaming hot mountain of shit in my general love life that would make most troubled teens hang themselves. Between rough break ups with live-ins and the dividing of the shit, and niggas going to jail and getting deported, I think I've seen a thing or two in the worst of people in relationships. I'm not asking for sympathy, or even anything at all. It's just an honest and sincere observation. Knowing that, here are some things i've learned over the past year or so about love , sex, and relationships. And basically....we're all fucked.
(in no particular order)
1) A cheap lay is NEVER cheap. It usually ends up costing you at LEAST a few drinks, and just a little bit of self respect.
2) Rimming on the first date only leads to trouble...and fun....lots and lots of fun.....
3) Most guys I meet on a daily basis aren't worth the effort for me to even take a second to spit on them in passing. And the ones that are, are clearly out of my league.
4)There is no such thing as karma. Especially in relationships. So go ahead and fuck that married guy! Be a happy homewrecker and get your fucking rocks off already! Because all those years of good behavior in relationships doesn't add up to a god damn thing. It's not fate, it's just dumb luck.
5) In break ups taking the high road, although much more classy, is not nearly as much fun. Looking back, I really wish I would have had a Jerry Springer-esq freak out, and ripped out a bitches weave or something like that. But ultimatly, the important thing to remember is, a heaping pile of guilt, last a lifetime longer than a welt on the head. Might as well make an impact.....
6)My sister always told me never to trust a man who's mouth is bigger than his dick. The more they talk about sex, the less they seem to know. I once dated a guy who claimed to be "multi-orgasmic", but could barely get it up to even attempt to fuck me. YOU CAN'T SHOOT POOL WITH A ROPE BUDDY. And as far as orally....his mouth was better put to use consuming massive amounts of alcohol. The more they talk, the less they know. The less they talk, the less they feel the need to verbally express their "expertise". Big mouth = BIG dissapointment.
7) A finger in the ass is the key to the treasure chest.
8) Cheating is easy. It's guys that make it all so difficult. If you're gonna fuck around on your shorty, cover your fucking tracks! Don;t save voicemails, emails, myspace messages, text messages, etc. Because let me tell you something....
BITCHES KNOW EVERYTHING
We will find out your passwords, we will dig up the dirt, at even the SLIGHTEST suspiscion that you are humpin around. And alot of you fellas are some pretty pathetic liars. So once you start "working late" every saturday night, or "visiting grandma" a whole lot more often than before, chances are , you're already busted. Remember, cheating is only defined by getting caught (or you get AIDS, whatever comes first...) So make sure you check your aibi's, wash the sex off your balls, and go plow your old lady already.
9)We all have em, we all loved em, we all fucking hate em. (and sometimts still fuck them!) That's right ....EX'S. there will come a time in everyones life when youare dating someone who's ex makes Lorena bobbet look like Mother fucking Theresa. They should all just be rounded up, tagged and branded, so if you feel like fucking a crazy broad (cuz crazy people sex is hot....) you can get a copy of their wacky dating atrocities.....I guess I'm not being fair here....after all I am an Ex as well. However, I prefer to take the more sane route. "We've loved, we;ve lost. it didn;t work out....now go forth and date! I hope it works out better this time..." Just stay the FUCK out of my way, because I'm trying to bring home that hot bartender.....and that's the way it should be. Upgrade! They're your ex for a reason. So you may wanna slum it for a while, but eventually it's time to move on to bigger and better things....which brings me to my next point....reruns....
10) "Gee this was horrible and tortuous the first time, let's do it again!" Getting back with an ex is risky business. And unlike the delighful Tom Cruise movie of the same title, it doesn't end in wild parties, where underaged kids get fucked by prostitues.....(well not unless you are very lucky). The outcome is rarely pleasant, and you usually fuck up any shred of hope that you might actually be able to salvage a friendship. I'm not saying it's impossible...just highly unlikely. Let's face it. As young, indecisive, verile and horny young people, we can't be bothered with all the work that goes into rebuilding an almost completely collapsed relationship. I mean, yeah...relationships are tricky. It's not always gonna be easy....but it doesn't always have to be hard either. It's like beating a dead horse for christ's sake...why fucking bother?
11) Ugly sex is hot.
12) There is nothing unsexier than a guy with alot of fucking baggage. If I'm trying to pick you up (and believe me, it will be obvious), don't tell me about your ex girlfriend, or some bitch you've been chasing for the past 5 years who STILL won't fuck you....seriously dude...I just wanna suck your dick, not mother your next child. You totally ruined my hard on.
13) I don't know what's worse...
A) When your lover dumps you/fucks around with a person who is obviously more attractive than you.
B) When your lover dumps you/fucks around with a person who has been repeatedly beaten with the ugly stick.
There are 2 ways to look at these scenarios....
When the other person (SLUT!) is hotter than you, you feel self conscious and inadequate. but later on when you look back you start to think..."yeah I'd probably fuck them too..."(that SLUT!) It's understandable on some respects. You almost can see where the bastard is coming from. ...(slut)
When the other party is clearly a troll, it makes you feel like shit because you think , "What on God's green earth could I have done to make him/her run screaming into the arms of a mutant?" But on the other hand you are secretly taking satisfaction in the fact that you are obviously way hotter.... And that's comforting really. it's just what you need to sooth your now bruised and fragile ego. Especially if all your friends agree! (and they will, if they are good friends...) Then you can all get together and stalk them out on myspace, looking at their pictures, and picking out all of their flaws, no matter how tiny. "OMG , HER LEFT EYEBROW IS TOTALLY LONGER THAN THE RIGHT! BITCH!" You get the idea....I mean it's petty and stupid, but it's a mother fucking jungle out there in the dating world. I'm just trying to survive.....
That's all I got for now...but I may add more depending on my own personal situations of course....but good luck in all of your romantic endeavors, try not to get the clap....and remember...when it all comes down to it, we're all totally fucked.