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Biology is Just a Science Term

Posted Jan 27 2009 8:05pm

When I actually realized that my hunch all along was correct, I was relieved -  but not for the reason you might think. I felt as though I was vindicated in my decision not to focus on getting pregnant. After my first major surgery, my doctor said I had a small window of opportunity to try and get pregnant. He recommended that we start trying to get pregnant as soon as I was feeling 100%. Instead of taking that advice, I immediately asked for a prescription for birth control. Remember, my son was already about 8 months old by this time. When I told my doctor that I had decided not to try getting pregnant he asked why. I told him that I had given it a full year and that was it. His response? "In the condition you were in, there was no way you would have gotten pregnant."

Still, I didn't want to take the risk. And yes, for me, it felt like a risk. I've watched friends obsess over getting pregnant. They've been poked, prodded and injected and still, nothing. Some have even gone as far as to think that perhaps God just didn't want them to be a mother.  I didn't want to get to get wrapped up in that.

I watched a show once about a woman who had been through five in-vitro treatments.  Before the last treatment, doctors isolated the problem she seemed to have. There was some sort of problem with the lining of the wall in the egg she produced each month. She had a friend who agreed to take medication that would induce the production of more than the one egg a month women normally produce. Those eggs were removed from the friend, fertilized by the woman's husband and then implanted in her.

As I watched, I found myself almost rooting for her for this to work. It meant so much to her. But after a few weeks blood test results came back negative. She was devastated. And then I realized that like so many, she had become wrapped up into the whole pregnancy process instead of focusing on the parenting. Think about it. If this process had worked, technically, this child would not have been hers. Remember, she used the eggs produced by a friend. I don't want to ever belittle the bond that mother and child form during pregnancy - but pregnancy lasts for nine months, parenting lasts a lifetime.

With all of the children in need of a home, I wish more couples would not think of adoption as a final choice when all else fails. Honestly, I have found my infertility liberating. It just gave me more of an open mind to explore other possibilities.  I didn't want to get so wrapped up in trying to get pregnant that I lost sight of the opportunity to be a mommy. I have a friend who spent more than 8 years trying to get pregnant. Every time she had a procedure, she would tell herself that if it didn't work, it would be the last.  By now, she could have been a mom many times over. She and her husband just recently began as foster parents.

I am not denying anyone's right to try everything they can to get pregnant. I just hope that while they are trying, they remember that there are children waiting, just in case things don't work out the way they planned. Remember biology is just a term in science class. It has nothing to do with a mother's ability to love her child, even if that child is adopted. Take it from one who knows. I couldn't love my children anymore if I tried.

Oh, and by the way, standing my ground about trying to get pregnant was definitely the right choice. The fibroids and endometriosis returned. I had a partial hysterectomy at 29, and I couldn't be happier.

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