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Because you can never drag the King Kong remake through the mud too many times

Posted Jan 06 2010 10:13pm

This week the kids and I watched Peter Jackson’s 2005 remake of King Kong. At certain parts of the movie, I began giggling uncontrollably and was totally unable to explain why to my adorable little angels. I’d had a flash of total recall of a night spent alone in a hotel in MacLean, VA, on business, watching the remake with room service and a bottle of wine, reviewing the movie as I watched it from the bed with my laptop.

What I learned watching “King Kong”

  • Girl’s hairstyle’s got it going on.
  • I mean, Faye Wray? Pffft. Jessica Lange? I scoff. But Naomi Watts? Has hair of steel. Silky-soft, angel-fine, smokin’ hot steel. My hair would have run screaming from my scalp three minutes after landing on that island.
  • Speaking of Skull Island, what are we doing here? Let’s move there. Imagine the ecosystem that could support that kind of biodiversity. Sure, it’s a little unbalanced, sure, there are nine meat-eaters for every plant-eater, but maybe a rocky island can only support that blend of speciation.
  • The villagers? Could use some sort of Head Start. A meal plan. Manners. At least the T. Rexes and the apes had some respect for one another. And by the way, these people managed to build a hundred-foot wall of stunning architectural durability—the Romans were engineers using tin cans tied together with string in comparison—but still used a spiked pole to lop heads off. What’s up with that? In the end, they built a flimsy door and that’s their bad, but then they did fool Kong into thinking it was impenetrable for a few good years.
  • Doesn’t Adrien Brody look good with some meat on his bones?
  • Whoever made Naomi’s negligee should be making a fortune in endorsements. That silk held up, people. And each dousing and soiling only added to the natural beauty of the garment. Each piece is unique and slight flaws in the color are natural and add to its overall character.
  • There isn’t much that is more entertaining than bowliing for Brontosauruses on a sunny afternoon.
  • Only the most co-dependant of low-confidence women would juggle rocks and walk like an Egyptian on the edge of a cliff to try to make a guy smile.
  • Or point to herself when they are finally alone and ask, “Beautiful?”
  • Did anyone else notice in the beginning that Naomi described that a man’s best strategy for expressing interest is to ignore the girl?
  • And that Kong *also* played hard to get? Oh, sure, he beat his chest and dragged her all over town trying to find that last open bar and didn’t listen to a word she said and only got interested when she passed out cold and then he started prodding her like, is she passed out? Will she remember this? Can she pick me out in a lineup? And then she opens one eye, like is he still looking at me? Am I really his surest bet? Good lord, I’ve got get off of this island.
  • Isn’t it funny how Jack Black can wield a bottle of Chloroform like a vet with a pocket full of Ketamine? One bottle broken across his snout is enough to put Kong to sleep without burning his eyes right out of their sockets or giving him permanent brain damage. I mean, wild ape? Pain in the ass. Demented wild ape? Horrific.
  • Every time that movie executive with the Marlon Brando mustache opened his mouth, I heard, “It ain’t the way I wanted it! I can handle things! I’m smart! Not like everybody says, like dumb! I’m smart and I want respect!’” Oh, Fredo. Who knew you had a twin?
  • No guy ever forgets, or forgives, a rival.
  • No woman can resist a guy who’s just had his ass shredded fighting for her honor.
  • “Are you kidding me? I survived the Holocaust and charmed an SS captain into giving me his winter coat. You don’t scare me.”
  • “I am touching the beast. I am actually laying my hand on the twenty-five foot gorilla.” *touch* *gorilla twitches* You just crapped your pants, didn’t you? Heh.
  • Oh, look, she’s wearing an evening dress that’s cut just like her old negligee the night he gets loose.
  • Oh, he did NOT just take her skating in Central Park.
  • Just goes to show that if you can make a guy laugh, you’ve won his heart.
  • Damn, her hair looks terrific.

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