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Batman is Asleep and Wonder Woman Has Her Period, Now What?

Posted Mar 13 2009 3:58pm

Wondermom   

Ever have one of those days/weeks/months when, you know, all those good intentions you woke up with (like, admitting that perhaps it's time someone wiped the dog snot off the windows) end up getting flushed right down the toilet, along with the rest of the crap life has handed you, in just one morning? 

No, I do NOT resemble, in any way, shape or form, Wonder Woman (damnit) and I don't have my period.

"Thank you, Jesus!!!"

Shuddup, Garth (not his real name!) and go back to sleep. 

You see, my husband and I have been handed a plethora of crap, this week (I know, nice visual, you're welcome) gosh, but I hate, Hate, HAte, HATe, HATE IT when life happens, right?

My friend (and fellow Jersey Mom, Vanessa) already admitted that the shower is her secret weapon and I was all, like, yah, me too!

Except, my secret weapon has always been toilet paper.

To prove it, I dug out an old blog post from 2005 (gosh, but it seems like SUCH a long time ago) when I switched from Typepad, to Wordpress.com, but now I'm back with Typepad, but not before forgetting to backup and losing all my files (did I mention, I'm a Gemini, oh and a DORK?!?) save for a few on my hard drive.

So, grab yourselves a beverage and step into my mom cave...if you DARE!

In the Shower of Good and Evil

It happened again this morning...

**knock-knock-knock*

I rubbed my eyes, yawned and stretched before answering, “Who’s there?”

A muffled little voice answered from the other side of the tiled wall.

“I need toilet paper!”

I reached out and fingered the nearly empty roll on my side of the wall and turned toward the basket sitting on the floor to my right that held magazines, a can of Lysol and one lone roll of toilet paper.

**knock-knock-knock**

“Mom?  Hell-oooo…I said…I need toilet paper!”

I sat there – stunned into silence.  As if her simple request had just caused the earth to wobble on its axis and the very existence of mankind were precariously balanced on a two-ply sheet of butt wipe.

**knock-knock-knock**

“Okay-okay!  But…um…I’m all out, too.”

I know, I know…for shame!    I had just lied to my child and I was pretty sure that the lack of remorse I felt would surely be awarded with a one-way ticket to purgatory.  And it finally comes down to this…where a simple act of self-indulgence has this worn-out, frazzled and dangerously close to premenstrual Mommy reeling between the forces of good and evil.

Good Mommy would have easily given up the only toilet paper roll on earth, not to mention her life’s blood and last breath, for the sake of her children.

Evil Mommy would sit on her wicked porcelain throne, covetously squeezing the Charman, and forsake her children’s cleanliness in the name of lethargy.

I greedily reached for the my full roll and asked the oldest to fetch her sister another from the garage.

**disgusted grunts**

Okay, so slap my butt and call me Evil Mommy, but at least it’s a clean butt.

She eventually got her toilet paper and I finally got into the shower.  As the pulsing jet of hot and steamy water beat against my aching shoulders, I lathered myself heavily and worked on each knot, crick and aching muscle as Evil Mommy debated with Good Mommy.

Evil Mommy:  Big whoop…it’s a friggin’ roll of toilet paper for goodness sake!
Good Mommy: But, you lied.
Evil Mommy:  But, it was about toilet paper!
Good Mommy: But, she was helpless.
Evil Mommy:  But, she got help.
Good Mommy:  But, you could of helped.
Evil Mommy:  But…

“Oh, shut up…the both of you!”

Don’t act like you guys don’t talk to yourselves in the shower, but I was tired of feeling guilty over the toilet paper and these two bitches constantly riding my butt about one thing or another.  Besides, they were starting to piss me off.  So, I turned up the heat and enjoyed the rest of my morning in the shower of good and evil.

**the swish of a shower curtain**

“Oh Crap!”

**knock-knock-knock**

“Um…Hell-oooo…anybody…Mommy needs a towel!”

Yeah, paybacks an ehh-vuhl bitch, but I got ALL the toilet paper!

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© 2009 This Full House - All Rights Reserved.

[Oh and I'm also stirring up some more crap over at New Jersey Moms Blog this week - just so you know.]

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