I was talking to my sister this morning, like I do every day. She is bored and tired of being stuck in the house because of her broken ankle. Her oldest son is in school but her youngest is just 22 months and she can't drive or go outside with him. They are stuck in the house every day with each other, although there are many more annoying and bratty kids to be stuck with. He is a sweet boy who is so very attached to my sister. He clings to her over anyone my mother, me or his dad. My sister complains about it but secretly I know she loves it. He is her baby. Most importantly, he is her last baby.
The day I came home from the hospital, I remember crying on my bed. E came into the room and asked me what was wrong. "I want another baby! I want to be pregnant again, I miss it." I told him. He knew my sadness was powered by my hormones, after all I was so big and so uncomfortable especially that last month, I complained all the time. Why would I want to go through that again?
I always wanted another baby, and after my miscarriage, I doubted it would ever happen. Maybe I would never want to try again just to be overcome with sadness. Maybe it wasn't meant to be.
I think that time when you fully reconcile that with yourself " I will never have another baby", has to be one of the most powerful moment in a woman's life. Whether it is a decision you make or one that is made for you. It is powerful, it is closing the door on that huge part of your life, it also can be liberating, but no matter what, it will happen.
I think my sister has mixed emotions about her baby getting older and more independent. Where her older son has not needed her for so many things he does for himself now, she sees her baby breaking away slowly, things that only a mother would notice. I understand that.
I have never made that decision with myself. To not have another baby. To leave that behind me. There were times in the last year where I thought that I wouldn't have another baby. Cancer scares, miscarriage and a triplet scare will do that to you. All I know now, is that I am not ready to make that decision. I don't want to give up on baby dreams.