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As Seen on TV. At Grandma’s house.

Posted Aug 06 2012 6:52am

This past week we were on vacation at my parent’s place in Virginia, and it was way fun.  But before we left I was concerned that the kids would be bedazzzled by my parent’s satellite TV and it’s zillions of kids’ channels – my parents haven’t had this before when we’ve visited, and we don’t have it at home.  At home, we do Netflix and PBS Kids and my children have only very rarely seen commercials.  And as you can guess, I LIKE it that way.  Commercials for kids’ stuff are the DEVIL!  I mean, there are toys on the market today that I’d much prefer my kids don’t know exist, you know?

Fortunately, with the Olympics on this week, that was ALL we watched. The TV was pretty much on one channel and we all really enjoyed watching the Games.  I was so excited that Joshua and Sophie were loving the games because I. ADORE. THE OLYMPICS.  As day after day of our vacation went by without my kids realizing that my parents had Disney and Nick and all that other stuff available, I was feeling PRETTY goooooood about the lack of TV-watching!  We were out & about during the day doing fun things, and at night we were cheering on Team USA!

Until day seven of vacation. On day seven, I dared to take a nap.  And when I rejoined my family in the living room after my nap, freaking DISNEY XD was on the telly!  As soon as I sat down on the couch, Sophie said:

“Joshua, did you see those toy commercials?? TOY COMMERCIALS ARE AWESOME!”

I kid you not.  Exact. Freaking. Words.

I shot my husband a withering look. CRAP!

A few minutes later, I got to witness one of these “awesome” commercials myself.  It was for these:

SeatPets. Which apparently, make the torturous act of riding in a car comfortable and fun.  I had no idea that riding in the car was such an ordeal, until I saw the SeatPets commercial.  And neither did Sophie.   But now she’s terrified of “dangling heads or sore necks”. D’OH!!! See why I like my kids’ tv commercial-free?

The next morning, as we were getting packed up and ready to leave for home, we had the Olympics on again.  Sophie wasn’t at all pleased with that.  ”I want to watch Disney XD!” She complained.  ”I want to watch the TOY commercials!! You know, like for Stompeez and SeatPets!”

“Well, we’re going to watch the Olympics.”  I replied, rolling my eyes.

“But I like the commercials!” she whined.

“Why do you like them so much?”

“Because toy commercials are SO COOL!  I love toys!”

Yaaaay.

I hadn’t had the honor of seeing a commercial for “Stompeez” so I asked her to explain them to me. Here’s how that went.

Me: Sophie, what are Stompeez? I don’t know what you mean.

Sophie: You know, they’re like animals you wear on your feet, and when you stomp they open their eyes. They are sooo cool. Kids LOVE Stompeez.

Me: Kids love Stompeez?

Sophie: Yeah, Kids LOVE Stompeez. They love them.

Me: How do you know they love Stompeez?

Sophie: Because I saw them on TV and it said on TV “Kids love Stompeez.”  So they do!

Me: Excuse me while I go bang my head on a table. Back in a sec.

Since I hadn’t seen the commercial, I Googled the oh-so-lovable Stompeez when we arrived home from our vacation.  And this, THIS my friends is what I found:

AHHHH!!! OHMAH EYES!!!! IT HURTS!! MY EYEEEEEESS! TURN IT OFF! SUNGLASSES! SOMEONEGETMESOMESUNGLASSES!! IT BURNS!!!!!

I double-dog dare you to go to their site and watch the video and see how many seconds you can stand before your eardrums burst and blood starts flowing our of your ears.  I made it 17 seconds.  Which, if you try it, I think you’ll agree was pretty darn heroic of me.

And people, I do NOT want to know what the bonus mystery gift that comes with each Stompeez purchase is.  As a matter of fact, I am pretty sure I had a nightmare last night about the multiple horrendous possibilities.  I mean what if I excitedly open my package of brand-new Stompeez and a severed head comes rolling out?  Come on!!

So let me just say, our decision to be cheap and have lame-o TV has never felt so right.

And if any of you gets Sophie some Stompeez or a SeatPet for her next birthday, I will use said item to kill you.  I don’t know how, but I’ll get creative and I’ll make sure it hurts.

And in the future? I pity the fool that lets my kids watch real TV!

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