While I'm away enjoying the surf and sand of Grand Cayman, thanks SO much to my husband's job, please enjoy this guest post. It was contributed anonymously, so let's remember that we are all grown ups and treat the matter with respect and cordiality.
If not, I'm going to send you a big boil right on your chin.
Remember this article from about four years back when a mom talked about how much her kids bore her? Commenters ripped her a new one. But I silently identified with her. I wonder how many other mothers secretly did too?
I love my kids and I love having kids. But sometimes I don't love being with my kids. It's grueling, exhausting, thankless - and yes, boring - work. I like playing video games and board games, but loathe pretend play and going to playgrounds and parks. I like to cook with my kids, but loathe the fighting that ensues over who gets to cut and stir what. I like quiet time and go batty after a couple hours of their non-stop talking and noise. I resent the constant neediness. The constant cycle of cooking, cleaning, and taxi-ing.
My kids don't play well together and I haven't done a great job on their independence, although we're getting better at that. They can do a lot of things for themselves, but they ask me anyway - and I'm pretty sure it's just so they can have some attention from me. They get bored and fight with each other, which also gets my attention (in a bad way).
I've often said I wasn't cut out to be a mother. My own mother probably wasn't cut out to be a mother either. My siblings and I joke that our memories of her involve her sitting with a magazine and telling us not to bother her. And now I feel I'm often just like her... only replace the magazine with a laptop. Some days go by and I've barely engaged with my kids at all. Taking them to the grocery store with me has become "quality time."
It makes me sad, but I am also not that motivated to change it. Because I really like doing my own thing. Playing on my laptop. Working on my hobbies. After 12 years, I'm tired of being a mom and many days I want out of this job. My kids fight and don't help out and constantly need something and want me to entertain them or arrange playdates... and I want them to leave me alone.
I'm a selfish, horrible mother.
And, to quote Carmen, I'm always comparing my insides to someone else's outsides. Their kids seem to get along well and entertain each other. Their kids seem to help out around the house and be kind to one another. Their kids don't seem to need them so much.
But I know this probably isn't the case. Please tell me this isn't the case and I'm not alone here. How much do you engage with your kids? How much do you enjoy it? What can I do to enjoy my kids more?