A Little More Background, Info and a Healthy Dose of WTF?
Posted Apr 30 2010 12:00am
Ok, so apparently I have some 'splaining to do. I'm cool with that.
Part of the reason I've been deliberately vague has to do with the big blow up I had with my blog and my kids school two years ago. I had something really terrible happen, something that took the safety of two of my kids into big time question. I was livid. And then one of my kids got hurt. Really, really hurt. I wrote about both sets of actions. When I wrote about it, people who work there took the pages of my blog, copied them off, circled the offensive actions - which had NO NAMES or details - and wrote the suspected persons names next to it - and passed them around.
I know this because I saw it. The actual, physical papers. I felt like I'd been knifed.
I also know this because I got into a huge argument with two people. It happened because my readers came to my defense and made some comments that the guilty party - and one who was only guilty by association - took offense to.
We've been at this school for FIFTEEN years. I love the school. Love the teachers, the administration, and just about everyone there. I feel like my kids are well cared for, we are respected as a family, and the principal has the well being of my kids - and what will be the best for them - firmly in the front of her mind at all times. (And all kids, really. I'm just more aware of my own kids.) When we explored going to public school, and I actually even packed up the uniforms to get rid of - I had a physical ache. I was so, so distressed when I didn't think we'd be there anymore that it's difficult to even express to you. I'm extra aware that the words of my blog may, one day, come back to haunt me. Even though this is my space. My space that I pay for, and I'm careful to not engage in slander or libel and never, ever name names.
I'm roadblocked by the fact that many, MANY of the teachers, secretaries, lunch ladies, cleaning people, staff - read here. And much of the staff at the high school reads here. Hi. I see the time stamps from the schools when I check the stats. It's a terrible feeling to know that you could be under the microscope, and it's one reason that I'm so uncomfortable writing about this - because I know it can, and very well might, backfire on me in a big BAD way. And I MORE than appreciate all of the kindness that the school has shown my family, and so I feel guilty to complain. If someone isn't doing the things that need to be done, well, maybe I have no room to complain.
I can't tell you how much this entire situation weighs on me. To see my child crying nightly because s/he feels stupid and dumb. To see my child sink further and further into him/herself, to know that said child is falling into depression and to wonder what the right step is.To send emails that go unanswered, leave phone messages that are unreturned. To feel like you are annoying the people you are asking to help your kid, to feel as if they are merely pacifying you and you feel as if you are making more out of a situation that it warrants. To see things written that are so not a clear indication of what the reality is, but make me look like a control freak idiot who makes more out of a situation than reality suggests. To be clear, I've NEVER felt this way at the school before. Ever. That's part of what bothers me so - but feeling that the principal is on my side and wants to help my child feels amazing. As if there is a life raft.
Child X is on ADD meds because SPS often mimics ADD. The psychological testing that we did for Child X was extensive and thorough. It took 2 months to complete all of the segments. It was told to me that the computerized segments, the ones that classify ADD, might have been interesting to Child X and could have kept his/her attention, so as to skew the testing. I actually agree.
And I go back and forth with the meds. No, if this child needed glasses or insulin, or a wheelchair - I wouldn't hesitate. And if said child needs meds, I'm going to do it. I am not anti med - we use a staggering array of asthma and allergy meds on a daily basis. I believe in medication, therapy and the like. I knew when I wrote that I wasn't a believer in ADD meds, that they were overprescribed - I'd offend someone. And that was SO NOT MY INTENT. My feelings DO play into this, though. Have I done my child a disservice by my delay, since I hate the medicine so? I have family members who tell me "No meds" and others who say that the school is the problem, move child to a different school. Child X makes friends so rarely, though, that moving child brings an whole 'NOTHER set of trouble.
So I'm conflicted. And when I'm conflicted, I come here - for the people in my daily life are SICK TO DEATH of hearing me go back and forth. And I've become an annoyance and a burden to the people that know said child best - I can tell that they are annoyed when I call them yet again with stuff about my kid.
I have a phone call in for a therapist, for I do believe that said child needs someone to help him/her feel better about him/herself. Child is struggling BADLY with self esteem. I loved Maybaby's comments - and that's EXACTLY where I fear Child X is headed. Child X feels like everyone hates him/her and no one wants to be a friend. Not true, but Child X only seems to see the negative. All the time.
I feel alone. And I need backup and support. That's why I wrote here. Not to make anyone feel bad, not to "roll the bus" on anyone - but for me. And my Child X.
I feel like crying. In fact, I am, right now, thinking of this whole mess. Like I failed my kid, like I've been a rotten mother.