I was supposed to do an update tomorrow about week 16 of my pregnancy. That will not happen. I can't believe I am even typing this. It's all too surreal. I wish I could close my eyes and wake up to find it was all a dream.
I have a doppler at home. A very good one. One that I used with my pregnancies with Brooklyn and Sydney. After we lost our sweet Zoe, I needed to have that when I was pregnant with Brooklyn to be reassured on days I was having a rough time believing she would be ok.
I flew home yesterday from a great weekend in California. I was anxious to get home and use the doppler so I could hear my baby's heartbeat. Usually it only takes a minute or two to find it, but yesterday that didn't happen. I tried for over an hour several time throughout the afternoon and evening. Even Brian tried and we just couldn't hear it. I really started to get nervous. I knew I would call the dr in the morning to go in and see if they could find it.
I knew in my heart something was wrong. I went to see my doctor around 9:30 this morning and the ultrasound showed our baby alive. The heartbeat was showing signs of arrhythmia and so my doctor sent me directly to my high risk OB.
When I got to the office of our high risk OB they took us back to the ultrasound room. The tech proceeded to look over the baby. Brian and I both strained to see if there was a heartbeat and we saw none. She zoomed in and I saw stillness. She then left the room. Flashbacks of almost 6 years ago flooded my mind and I couldn't cry. I couldn't believe the similarities.
I started to sing, "Father I adore you and I lay my life before you, how I love you". Then we sang, "I love you Lord and I lift my voice to worship you oh my soul rejoice. Take joy my king in what you hear and may it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear". Brian and I just sang quietly to our Lord. It was a sweet time.
The doctor walked in and I just said, "We Know". He just kept saying how sorry he was. He is such a sweet man and I knew he truly meant it.
My next question, like I did with Zoe was, "What's next"? I just had to know. Could they do a D&C? He said that I was too far along for that. Oh Lord no. Not again. Please God. My next question was if I had to have a c-section because that is what I had had with the girls. Thankfully he said no.
I have done alot of crying and questioning why? It just doesn't make sense. Why us? Why another child? I know that God understands these questions and that they are ok to ask. I know there will be more questions to come. For now I rest in the One who holds all the answers.
I am scheduled to be induced tomorrow morning at 7:30. We were hoping to get into the hospital today but there were no rooms available. God's timing is perfect and I rest in that. I would love your prayers for the delivery. I have an idea of what to expect, but I know anything can happen. Pray specifically for no side effects from the epidural, that the baby would come out easily with no need for lots of pushes and for a speedy recovery for me physically. I will experience all the things that any woman would experience after delivery, all without the joy of holding my newborn.
Tomorrow I will have the privilege and the honor of introducing you to my new son or daughter. One who was so loved by mommy, daddy, and two sisters.
Please be in prayer for the girls as they process this all. Sydney keeps saying, "I don't want the baby to die". She says it over and over. We have just told the girls that the baby is with Jesus and Zoe in Heaven.
Thank you to my family, friends and blog friends who have prayed and offered their love and support. I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me and my family.