A childhood friend of mine tagged me on my Facebook page to disclose 25 Random Things About Me. I am not going to tag anyone in blogland, but thought it would be nice to share. So here goes:
1. Even though people who know me may think it's extreme, Salvation is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can honestly say that it saved my life and I say that literally. Growing up in the church and trying to run away from what I was taught really made me very miserable and unhappy. There are so many dark holes I delved into to try and escape the voice of God. I came to the conclusion that death is the only way to escape his voice, the way I was living, I knew that wasn't an option because I knew hell was where I would wake up.
2. I honestly thought that having my daughters would bring this unconditional love into my life. While it did, it was a very lonely process and I have never felt so low and unloved in my life as I did when I was pregnant realized that I was bringing two precious little girls into this world knowing that they would not experience the love from their fathers as I did with mine. I never knew paternal abandonment, so I wasn't prepared to bring them through that experience. ( I am crying as I type this). Also the most hurtful experience any mother can have, is to explain to a wide eyed, crying, innocent child if "daddy loves them". If any guys are reading this ( if it applies) please know that you must work past your differences with the mother. If you have unprotected sex then NO you did not get trapped into having a child, and regardless of how the child got here there is no explanation that could erase or explain the pain of " why don't I have a daddy". NO CHILD DESERVES TO FEEL UNLOVED! IT IS UNACCEPTABLE AND THERE IS NO GOOD EXCUSE. IF YOU GOT BABY MOMMA DRAMA THEN SACRIFICE AND GET A LAWYER!
3. The second best thing that has happened in my life are my girls. They force me to be a better woman, example, and mother. They ignite a drive inside me that WILL NOT allow me to give up on wanting a better life for them. There is no greater joy than when you feel run down, beat up, discouraged, and just plain old tired than to have this little person walk up to you out of the blue, hug your neck and tell you that you're the best! Their hugs and kisses are the best medicine.
4. I am a daddy's girl. My dad drives me crazy sometimes, but I will always be eternally grateful for him stepping in and being a father figure to my daughters. I often call him their Johnny Cochran, because he always jumps to their defense. Also he loves him some Jackie Wade, he always took care of her even when it seemed that he couldn't. And even on his worse day he will still always be the best father/husband in the whole wide world to me. It is true what they say, little girls will more than likely marry a man like daddy :) He was my perfect example of how a man is to treat a woman, and how a father is to treat his kids. Even if I didn't like all his methods. LOL
5. I love my mom too, but I appreciate her a WHOLE lot more now that I am grown. I don't think it was meant for us to be best friends when I was growing up because God knew I would need her more when I was grown. Plus she is way more cooler now that I am grown. She still don't take no stuff tho! She will always tell you the truth about yourself minus the sugar. You may not want to hear it, it may not feel good, but when you go to bed at night, you won't ever have to worry about what she thinks. I have never ever seen her be two faced, she is never been into a bunch of drama, and I haven't met a person in my life who has ever said anything bad about her. Sometimes I am fussing at my kids and I say something that she used to say ( I'm gonna beat you to the Holy Ghost tell me to stop) and I just crack up laughing because I say the very things that I used to hate hearing! Because of her though, I know how to keep my husband very happy and very well fed! Oh Yeah, she is a hater though, she wouldn't let me pledge DST!!!! Quote( if you can come up with $550 to pledge, then you can pay your own rent, car note and insurance) End Quote. HATER, HATER, HATER!
6. The one person that I admire the most, is unfortunately the one person who probably doesn't know it,( I'm working on that) and that is my little sister Marion. ( Dee Dee). She has never let people define her or her disability. I am probably hard on her because I have always seen so much potential in her. I remember when we were little she would fight for me fearlessly when people were picking on me.I was always afraid of people and would tell her to ignore people who called her "retarded" because I knew that she would never be able to stop people from being ignorant, she however would fight a whole family even though her feelings were visibly hurt, she would fight through the pain. I think that she is perhaps one of the most mis-understood people on this earth. One day I want to take her on vacation, just me and her so that we can have some alone time and she can have a good time.
7. My husband is the love of my life. He truly makes me a better woman. He waited on me. We did not touch at all until we were married. Our first everything was after I had his last name. There is no such thing as a fairy tale romance, but one written by God is way better. Other than my dad, I have never had a man to respect me, understand me, or love me as unconditional as he does. He is truly my best friend. I have told him about all of my skeletons, He's still here. I love him so much that I have even broken my word not to have any more children and even if this is a girl, for him I am willing to try one more time for a boy!
8. I sometimes wonder and feel as though I am missing a death gene. Thank God I have never lost anyone close to me suddenly, so I have never ever had to deeply grieve for anyone. I always feel like I know people have to die and so I just pray that they are in a better place. I don't believe that anyone dies before their time, because that would be saying that God made a mistake and we all know that he doesn't make those.
9. I have the coolest brother in the world. I only hate that Iraq made him grow up way faster than he should have. If I could change one thing about him, I would take away that experience. He is another person that I believe is extremely misunderstood at times. What I love about him is that he is so much like my mom. He won't lie to you, but you better be prepared for the truth that comes outta his mouth. Whenever I watch A Few Good Men, I always picture him as Jack Nicholson yelling " You Can't Handle The Truth!" LOL. My nephew is a splitting image of him and I love the bond that they have. Oh yeah and he picked a really cool sis n law.
10. I love foresnsic crime novels. I love reading James Patterson, Patricia Cornwell, Tammi Hoag, and Sandra Brown. I could watch CSI Miami, Vegas, and NY all day long. I also like reality tv. Top Chef, Project Runway, and as silly as they are The Real Housewives, they keep me grounded and almost appreciative of being poor.
11. I am truly a nerd. I hate that I wasted so many years trying not to be. I could be so rich right now if I had chosen my inner nerd over wanting to be popular. I probably could have saved many years of self- help therapy if I had only chosen to be true to myself.
12.My biggest fear is that I will disappoint my children by not getting them ready enough for the real world. That's probably why I keep it so real with them.
13. I really get angry when people park in two spaces! When you get out of the car can you not see that you have taken up two spaces?? I also hate those gloom and doom forwards. Like if you don't send this to 100 people in 100 minutes the sky will fall on your head. Also God is going to bless me regardless if I send an email to 25 people or not. Actually it's a form of witchcraft so I think he would probably prefer that I just delete it.
14.After many years of telling friends that I would never let a man hit me, I stayed in an abusive relationship for many years to a dude that I wasn't even in love with or like with.
15. By God's grace, I will never let another person define my self esteem. Nor will I ever measure or compare myself to anyone else. One thing I have found out is that everyone has a point of misery about themselves.
16. My middle sister Maisha was my Maid of Honor. She looks just like my momma, and is probably the most misunderstood person in the world. She will honestly do anything to help anyone. I just hate that she has met some real unappreciative folks in her lifetime. I think she is truly happy with "Her One". She does get on my nerves half the time cuz she's a drama queen, but I don't go over at least a couple of days without talking to her. We have our issues at time, but she never lets me go hungry! LOL
17. I hate being the oldest. It is like a constant reminder that if you fail you set a horrible example and if you succeed then there is this set of standards that you have to set. It leaves no room to be human and make mistakes. I constantly carry a burden of being a "goody goody" if I do something good, or feeling like my bad decisions have somehow impacted my siblings lives. ( even though I know it's probably not true)
18.I love darkness, cold, and absolute quiet. I too am one of those people who can hear every little noise and I can't drown it out no matter how much I try. I can't sleep with the lights on, and keep my house so dark that I have memorized how many steps it is from my bed to each room, door, light switch. cabinet, and fridge. I can't sleep in the heat, so I keep it hospital cold in my house.
19. I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I still don't.
20.The thought of ever going to prison scares me more than the thought of dying.
21. I constantly pray that when I leave, I never have to leave this earth by way of some horrific mystery. I am more afraid of my family not knowing where I am or what happened to me than dying. I never want them to have to be on America's Most wanted searching for clues about me. I also pray for the same for them. I never want anything to happen to my family where I would spend forever wandering where they are. The same goes even more for my kids.
22. I have almost no compassion for anyone who commits an act of violence against a child, an elderly person, a pregnant woman, a woman period for that matter oh and it just goes deeper than that if the crime is against a baby. I am being honest, I really have to pray for God to help me feel compassion or empathy for that person.
23. I am so glad that I didn't abort my children. I used to be pro choice, I now am not. I have personally seen people live through the most horrific experiences that resulted in the life of a child, the child was not aborted, and they made it through and had a better life. I also don't believe in the death penalty. I believe a person should stay locked up for the rest of their lives to think about the crimes they committed. We never know how God deals with a person's mind.
24. I am claustrophobic. I am deathly afraid of roaches, spiders, and things I can't see. I hate traffic jams, and cry when I have to drive over long bridges. I am really afraid of bridges.
25.When I die, I want to be cremated. Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust. I want my remains divided up between each of my children and my husband. I want them to sprinkle my remains in the spot of their fondest memory with me. My husband probably won't do it, but it's what I want. I also don't want to ever be on life support if every effort has been made to keep me alive. If I can't breathe or survive without my God given breath, then please let me go home to be with my Father!