So err, yeah, Sunday wasn't the best of days and I ended up on the phone to the Crisis team that night. Followed by monday which wasn't exactly a barrel of laughs either
Monday night/Tuesday morning was truly hideous. Suffice to say I failed in my mission to now count tablets or pick tunes for my funeral, or think of any other number of ways I could kill myself, and so about 3am I ended up calling the Crisis team again in a complete state. It was a different nurse on the phone. She told me she was going to call me an ambulance because I needed to go to A+E and speak to the duty psych. I couldn't stop shaking or crying, and I had been sick twice, so I agreed that I needed to see someone but insisted on making my own way there. I did not need to take up an ambulance. So I trudged through the snow, the 5min walk taking 10 and then some, and got there for 4am.
The waiting room was desolate. I waited and waited, until 6am when I voiced my annoyance over the fact that I hadn't even been triaged. Quite alarming really. They didn't know why I was there. So I saw a triage nurse, who quite frankly was one of those nurses who do not make you feel safe. I appreciate I was there for mental heath reason, but she didn't even check my blood sugar despite me answering all her questions and hence she knew I was on on insulin. She said she would call the duty psych, and put me in the mental room; which was just outside the nurses station so I sat there and listened to them all bitch about staff shortages and poor management.
Between 6:15 and 8am nobody came into the room. By 8:15 I was feeling a bit better, and had stopped crying and shaking and there was no sign of the psych. I began to see that some random on call SHO was unlikely to be of any help to me. I felt really really, tired, and I reckoned if I went home I might be able to sleep. So I just left.
When I got in, I did sleep, I slept and woke up and then slept some more, and felt even better then. I was proud of myself for not needing to see anybody, or take any drugs. I rang the crisis team to chase up my appointment with a new consultant psychatrist. It was obvious they knew nothing of the previous nights goings on. They called me back and told me I had an appointment with a DrS on next Friday, the 15th.
This really cheered me up. Finally! Someone who would actually know something about antidepressents, and hopefully could sort out my prescriptions. I was so inspired by this I even managed a few hours work on my essay; which ironically is also due in on the 15th. Big day for me.
I went back to sleep about 1am, and slept all night. No nasty thoughts, no calls to the crisis team.
Today (or yesterday as I see it is now -- I am referring to Wednesday) I had my appointment with the decent doctor in occupational health. See the second entry posted here [http://blogofcrazynurse.blogspot.com/2009_01_01_archive.html] for a more detail about the occie health doctors in my hospital. Yes, I know all 3 of them.
It was alright. I wasn't that nervous beforehand because she knows me a bit and I;ve never had a problem with her before. Most impressively of all I managed not to cry. I had the bottom lip quivering thing going on, but no tears fell.
It turned out I hadn't seen her since May last year, so I told her all about August and being under the crisis team then, and went on to regale her with December's goings on. She told me that it was obvious I was in no fit state for work, that my focus should be on getting myself better, and then think about coming back. I highlighted that I had been okay yesterday. She said that I needed a few more good days before I thought about work. She sympathized with me about the 'alarming gap in mental health services' as she called it; referring to this huge spectrum of people who fit in the middle - not so desperately unwell that they need an inpatient bed; but not well enough to be coping at home on their once a day citalorpram. She said she saw a lot of people in that spectrum, and that there was little support for them. I was impressed by her knowledge of the system.
As my appointment with DrS is only 9 days away she said assuming that he altered my meds, I should give myself a couple of weeks for them to kick in and so she would see me again in a month. So I am off sick until the 3rd Feb. She's going to put all that in a letter and send it back to my boss.
I feel relaxed knowing that both my boss and occie health have allowed me a bit of time to get my head together. Usually I don't have that, so I close the lid shut on everything and get back to 'normal life', go to work, move on, end of.
I have been given the space to think over everything thats happened since December, to make sense of it in my mind, and I feel like I need to make sense of it before I can pick myself up.
On my way home I called the GP's and managed to get an appointment for Monday with the doctor I have seen the last two times I was there (the only doctor I have ever seen more than once since I registered there a year ago). I need the appointment with her to get her to sign me a sicknote for work - my other one ran out on Monday. As I think I mentioned in my previous post, my boss was fine about that - she said should get the GP to backdate it and not to worry if it took me a week or so to get it to her.
On a roll, I proceeded to call the eye surgeons secretary. She looked me up on the PAS system (we've been updating to Lorenzo since forever, but its still not there yet) and said no appointment had been made for me as yet. Then bless her, she searched for the location of the notes, and they were still with my eye doctor; so it seems the referral letter hasn't even been written yet. Thus, chances are, I won't be getting the op til March April time. Although I was kind of like 'sigh', at least this way if I do get my finger amputated in early Feb as planned (which reminds me that ringing the orthpaedic surgeons secretary to chase that up should be top of the 'to do' list for Thursday) then I will have a bit of time to deal with that before going under the knife again.
Right, thats where I'm up to, and now I'm going to go to bed. I think I will manage to sleep again tonight, given that I'm already yawning.