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Once Upon a Time, in a Suburb Far, Far Away, There Lived a Dragonslayer...

Posted Oct 17 2010 10:12am

*

Listen children to a story,

That was written long ago,

'Bout a kingdom on a mountain,

And the valley folk below...

("One Tin Soldier", Coven")

*

A Suburban Fairie Tale:

A long time ago, in a suburb far, far away....

* * * Once upon a time, there I was, sitting innocently on the couch, minding my own business while watching TV and knitting--- crutches nearby. It was really all I could do since severely injuring my stupid right foot earlier in the week.

Blaine had just returned from grocery shopping and was now in the kitchen making some of his famous banana bread.

I had finished one pair of "normal" Tiger Socks earlier in the week and now I was working on my "weird pair" of Tiger Socks.

And Little Baby was, as usual, sleeping among wiring. She usually sleeps near electrical cords but this day she was sleeping with the computer's USB cable wrapped around her idgity little head. (Maybe she had hacked into my iTunes, who knows?)

Then Blaine realized he had forgotten one sack of groceries in the car, so he ran out the front door to get it from the back of the car, leaving the front door wide open.

I hate it when he leaves the door open because the stupid cats are always trying to escape out the front door, not realizing that Blaine and I have deemed them "House Cats".

(There's House Cats and there's Outside Cats---and never the twain shall meet.)

Then all of sudden, to my utter mortification, a giant hornet flew into the house through the open front door.

And, as a lot of females I know do, I began screaming in terror. I screamed so loud I'm sure the whole cul-de-sac heard---but I knew they would be sympathetic since I was screaming things like:

"BLAINE! THERE'S A HORNET IN THE LIVING ROOM!

HELP!

YOU GOTTA GET HIM!

KILL HIM!"

And Blaine walked back into the living room, somewhat cautiously, and surveyed the ceiling. Sure enough, a giant hornet (okay it was "giant" to me, ok?) was hovering to and fro on the ceiling.

"GET HIM!" I screamed again. "GET HIM BEFORE HE GETS INTO OUR BEDROOM AND I CAN'T SLEEP ALL NIGHT WORRYING THAT HE'LL GET ME IN MY SLEEP!"

"How am I supposed to get him?" Blaine asked plaintively.

"You're asking me?" I replied incredulously. "What do you mean "how"? First of all, I can't do it myself because I'm stuck on this damn couch with my damn foot in a damn immobilizer. Secondly, don't all men know how to kill bugs that frighten us females?"

"Um...." he murmured.
And then, the truth gradually dawned inside my pea brain.... and I realized Blaine's secret shame.

He's a man who doesn't like to kill bugs!

I never knew such creatures existed but I had no time to ponder on it because the situation was gradually worsening. And I was getting desperate since the stupid giant hornet who, heretofore, had been well out of reach up on the highest level of our ceiling-- was now headed downwards towards us! But he was coming down to a level I knew would be within Blaine's reach.

So, since Blaine was still standing there mute, his baby blue eyes bugged out like those of a gigged frog, I began yelling out instructions....

"Hurry up before he goes too high again! Get a broom!" I yelled, thinking that this would nudge Blaine towards the time honored method for eliminating giant hornets and other flying marauders, the so-called "Broom Attack Method".

Obediently, Blaine turned and ran to the kitchen to get a broom.

And soon he returned with ..... a Swiffer.

Yes, friends, it grieves me to say that Blaine really did come back with a damn Swiffer--- which had been standing next to the bristles type broom I had requested.

"Oh my God, I see him behind the living room blinds!" I screamed, my voice getting hoarse from all the screaming.

"Well then I can't reach him behind those, can I?!" Blaine replied stubbornly.

I knew I couldn't get off the couch without a great deal of pain in my injured foot so I continued talking Blaine through every step.

"Raise the blinds and, when you see him, secure the blinds and then you stab that Swiffer in his general direction, over and over and over until the horrible thing is dead!" I yelled.

But Blaine wasn't about to raise the blinds.
"I don't want to make it angry!" Blaine exclaimed.

And then I realized.....my family's safety was on the line here, with a giant hornet threatening all of us, both human and feline. And I simply could not allow it to fly free in our house because I just knew it would fly up into our bedroom and I'd be so nervous I'd never sleep until it was dead. Dead I tell you.....

Damn dead.

Stunningly dead.

(Is that a word? Stunningly?)

And so, summoning all my bravery (and gritting my teeth for the foot pain which would follow), I got down off the couch and hobbled over to the blinds behind the TV.
"I'm going to raise the blinds slowly..." I said to Blaine, who was still standing there holding the stupid Swiffer.

"Don't you do it!" Blaine yelled. "Don't you get it mad! Bo, you don't know these things. If we make it mad then he'll come after us in an attack!"

"I don't give a SHIT IN AN OUTHOUSE if I make the damn thing mad!" I replied, securing the blinds at the level I had spied the intruder...

He was flying up at the top of the window.

And so, with Blaine's piteous bleatings echoing in my ears, I grabbed the Swiffer out of his grasp and took to slamming that Swiffer with all my might on the giant hornet.

And I was gratified to see the hornet, wounded, fall down to the floor.....but when he hit the floor I saw him raise up his wings.

He wasn't dead!

So I began raining Swiffer blows down on the hideous monster with all my might, yelling "KILL! KILL! KILL! until I was sure that I had rendered him into virtual hornet powder and I knew for certain that he was deader'n a doornail. Damn dead. Stunningly dead....

And then I turned to Blaine and said something my late Mamo used to say to us youngsters whenever she had just swatted the hell out of a fly....

"Fixed his little red wagon," I declared triumphantly, laying aside my weapon---I mean, the Swiffer.

And as time went by and the story of Blaine's cowardice was regaled throughout the suburb, and as even more eons passed until the story of Bo's bravery had practically become a legend....and mothers would tell their children bedtime fairie tales--- I'm sure they always ended the story of Bo vs. the Giant Hornet by lowering their voices to say in a secret whisper:

"Boys and girls, listen closely. Everybody always thought it was Bo who slew the Giant Hornet. But that is not quite the truth.....

T'was Swiffer killed the Beast..."

*

Epilogue:
It was the end of that fabled day of the battle of Bo and Blaine versus the Giant Hornet. And Bo said sarcastically to Blaine: "I can't believe you can't kill a damn hornet. Do you know how difficult it is to jump off a couch and kill a hornet with a Swiffer-- with my bad back AND bad foot?"

Blaine: "Excuse me, but you have a bad back, a bad foot.... AND a bad brain."

*

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