Considering that things have been good for me (see previous post) my head hasn't been quite as compliant as it could of been.
Basically, for the last three weeks or so I have had no motivation or enthusiasm at all to go to work. I wake up everyday and absolutely dread the prospect of having to go in. I can't shake this idea out my mind that I have where I go to work and collapse. I must have run it like a hundred times over in my head. I collapse; and so I have to go home sick from work, and stay off for a few days.
There are few unusual things about this situation:
In the past and recent past; when I have been bogged down with work and I feel like I need a break from it; I am also bogged down with life; spiralling into a 'not-exercising-eating-crap-not-even-washing-myself-properly' kind of mode. But as for the rest of life: all is good. I am inspired to run and go to the gym, I want to socialise with friends, I want shiny hair. Its just having to go to work that is getting me down.
Self induced DKA is my modus operandi. Other than mentalness, thats the only reason I am ever off sick. Yet thats not been a serious consideration this time. I wonder if subconsciously I want to prove to everyone at work that I can control my diabetes. Maybe I want to prove it to myself. Or maybe its because I worry that they'll know that its self induced and therefore realise that I am a bit mentally interesting.
Maybe this collapsing thing has stemmed from the time I did actually collapse a few weeks ago, as in, it would be believeable because they know it has happened recently, and wouldn't suspect it was deliberate. Maybe its because I don't want to be in hospital. I know where DKA will take me. I know I will have to lie in a bed for a couple of days connected to an IV pole. Usually, thats not an issue, in the relative scheme of things that seems like an okay way in which to pass a few days. But this time; I don't feel like that. If I'm in hospital, I can't run, or sort my house out, or catch up on hollyoaks. I just want a rest.
If I fake collapse and end up off sick, thats another episode of sickness. Even though my sickness monitoring has ended; and if I was off again nothing would happen; I am still too acutely self aware of my sickness record to actually go through with it. It stood between me and that job. I am beginning to see other implications of sickness besides getting in trouble with my managers.
But perhaps the real issue here is my mood - if my mood is so low that I spend every day dreaming about pretending to collapse so I can be off work; and every hour in work counting the hours until I can leave; maybe I need to be off work?
In an attempt to self remedy the situation I have upped my fluoxitine dose to 80mg each morning [having managed to double up on the prescriptions by getting some from the GP and some from the hospital] I'm desperately hoping it'll perk me up. So far (about a week now) no difference has been noted. The BNF [the UK's prescribers bible: book which lists the indications for/dose/frequency/route/side effects; of all medication licensed for prescription in the UK]
Unfortunatly I haven't seen Dr F since June - he cancelled my nxt appointment because he had accidently double booked it; then I missed one because I didn't get up in time; and then I missed another because I just wanted to run away as far from the hospital as possible after my shift. I really should phone his secretary for another appointment. I'm just scared of telling him what is going on in case he recommends being off. Ironic really; I want to be off, but the reality of the situation is that I can't be; for all the reasons identified in this post.
I am so afraid of telling work about what is going on in my head - particularly having not been sick for over 3 months and having been accepted onto this masters course - I don't want to shatter this illusion of all being well and good by letting them know my head is all over the shop. I am paranoid that mentalness which makes me look weak.
The other thing is, when I get to work, its fine. Yeah sure it has been busy; but I've not had a truly hideous shift that has made me want to cry. Yet I still don't want to go, can't bear the thought of having to go. Maybe all this bank isn't helping; because its like I am not getting a break from work; I am not away for the hospital for long enough to stop thinking about it. But surely tiredness shouldn't cause such extreme emotions?
Away from work I can be perfectly happy though. I don't get it. Any ideas or words of wisdom?