Today has been an icky cruddy day. I think I am just exhausted, mentally and physically. I worked third shift last night and have only had about 3 hours of sleep since I got home. I feel so restless and my heart feels twisted. Nothing really all that significant happened to make me feel like this. I just.....do. I was cleaning one of my critter cages and just felt the need to cry, before I realized what was happening, the tears were rolling.
I keep having memories of my past popping up today too. All the way from childhood to last year. Holiday blues maybe? I don't need this today. I don't. I have a test to study for and I need to get some sleep, I can't do any of that with memories flooding my already exhausted brain.
It's almost been a year to the day since my mother in law passed away. We had such a love hate relationship. She lived with us for about 8 or 9 years up until a week before she passed away. She died while we were talking on the phone. Her AAA ruptured and the phone went silent. I was mad at her. I thought she hung up on me. We were close in such a weird sort of way. She loved to cause me trouble and tried to come between hubby and I. But we still had a strange sort of closeness. I always felt comfortable talking to her, when we were getting along. We would laugh about the stupidest things and fight about even more stupid things. I miss her. I do. I don't miss our problems, but I miss her. I find myself wondering at times what she would think about me doing so well in college, becoming a CNA, becoming a grandma. I miss her, the damn old bat.
My daughter is going through a very rough time. She is 19 weeks pregnant and her boyfriend, the baby daddy is being such a jerk. He dumps her when he gets paid and comes back when the money is gone. She sits on the couch all day and just stares at the tv. I feel so helpless. There is nothing I can do to help her except listen to her and hold her when she cries. He doesn't even talk about the baby, when she does, he changes the subject. I would like to grab him by his wobbly bits and wrap them around his neck, and extend them to his anus and shove them up there as high as they will go. He is a jerk and he is hurting my baby.
Yes, I am blue today. I am feeling overly sensitive and I don't like it. I am not on my period, I don't have those. I am not suffering from depression, sort of, I am just feeling depressed. Maybe I should just go in the bedroom, stick my face in my pillow and just cry. Get it all out. Maybe.