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Posted May 11 2010 2:29am
Chaos reigns in this country at the moment. We've had a General Election and have managed to elect precisely no new government. Nor did the old one win either. The electorate, all full of fire and brimstone due to various misdemeanors allegedly undertaken by the lawmakers in Parliament, threatened to sack the lot. Anger, fury and threats turned out to be a damp squib, full of talk but devoid of real action, and the vast majority voted for no majority at all. Welcome to limbo-land.

I, however, have a manifesto of two policies only, both of which will hopefully guarantee me the vote of the entire front-line ambulance community. I'm sure that not a single other person would vote for me, but at least I'd be assured of tens of thousands of green-uniformed votes.

Item 1: The Law of Visibility

This law defines the rules relating to the ability of ambulance crews to easily identify the location of their patients.

- All properties are required, by law, to have their property number and/or name displayed in such a manner that it can be seen clearly, using the naked eye, from the road.

- The number should be visible by all emergency vehicles whilst driving past, day or night, at speeds of up to 70 miles per hour without blurring.

- If necessary, a flag-pole must be erected and a flag bearing the number of the house flown at full-mast.

- All streets must number their houses sequentially, odds on one side, evens on the other. Any streets already otherwise numbered must display a 10 foot high neon sign at the top and bottom of the street to indicate the irregularity.

Item 2: The Law of Sod

This law relates to the tendency of patients to collapse in the most difficult surroundings possible.

- All toilet doors must be built with doors that open outwards.

- All toilet doors must be built with the ability to unlock from the outside.

- All toilets must have enough room to allow for one occupant and two rescuers to enter simultaneously and not involve either stepping on the occupant, sitting on the toilet seat instead of the occupant, or partially hanging out of the window whilst rescuing said occupant.

- All toilet rescues are to be carried out without the relative of the collapsed occupant having already gained access first, but by so doing prevented other rescuers getting in without having to sit on their lap.


So, are you going to vote for change?

Vote for stability?

Vote for the sane?

Or are you going to vote for me?
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