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Cow Pies or Donkey Pies---I don't know which...

Posted Nov 30 2008 12:21pm
You know and I know my Clone sleeps alone,
She's out on her own --- forever,
She's programmed to work hard, she's never profane
She won't go insane --- not ever...
*
("My Clone Sleeps Alone", Pat Benatar)
I*
I am a clutz.I*
I*
In fact, I think I'm one of the biggest clutzes in the world. I have always been--- and always will be ---a clumsy, rather awkward person. For me, trying to operate on a daily basis without embarassing myself is a battle that I have fought all my life.
M*
My father was a Texan Gentleman and my mother is a great Southern Lady--- and they both truly tried very hard to raise my sister and me to have lovely, graceful manners. They had a success in my sister, who is now a great Southern Lady in Dallas. But I was a sad disappointment.
M*
The clumsiness in me is so completely ingrained that there's just no getting around it.
I think that is why I ran away with the bikers---because with them I could "fake it"---I was able to navigate through daily life without having to answer for any missteps. Because when a girl has tattoos of inter-twined barbed wires on her biceps, is wearing knee-high black leather boots with silver tips, and she rides around on a Harley Davidson motorcycle which has a gas tank shaped like a coffin--- people tend to ignore it if she trips in public or says something idiotic, you know what I mean?
Anyhoo, this week was no exception in my clutzy life. It was one disaster after another. I spilled things, knocked things over, tripped over things, or put my foot in my mouth. Even the animals were annoyed with me. In fact, for some reason I pissed off the cows. Take a look at this next picture---and mind you, all I said to those idiot cows was: "Say Cheese!" --- and then all hell broke loose.I**
I mean---I just never expected anything bad to happen....I had just entered a ranch and thought I'd snap a quick picture of these stupid cows while I munched on a Taco Bell burrito.... while also gabbing on the cell phone with Belinda.... and then the damn cows went berserk!
Look at those stupid cows coming at me! Can you believe it? No lie, I was horrified to see that there were at least three different type of cows charging towards me---and their doggies, too!
(*
(Translation: "doggies" is Texan for calves.)
I*
I have no idea what those dang cows were going to do with me after they caught me but I didn't stay around long enough to find out. I dropped the burrito, screamed out something unintelligible into the phone at Belinda, dropped the cell phone too, jerked the Jeep into gear--- and hauled my butt away from there just as fast as I could.A*
As my life flashed before my eyes, I realized that this was just another example of my shameful clumsiness. I was going to die an embarassing death via bovine. A*
All I kept thinking as I four-wheeled it away from there was how utterly RIDICULOUS the headlines in the Podunk Daily Newpaper would look the next day---"L*
"*
"Local Road Nurse stampeded in a pasture while talking on the cell phone---witnesses say that her last words were 'Holy shit---the STUPID COWS ARE AFTER ME!...'"OrO*
O*
Or:
"*
"Road Nurse stomped to death by local cattle---No illegal drugs found in the Jeep but witnesses say that the victim's clothing was saturated with Taco Bell burrito sauce..."o*
O*
Or:"*
"*
"Unlucky Road Nurse caught in cattle melee---local Message Goat reported that he had repeatedly warned her to avoid Brahmin bulls as they tend to act macho and show off in front of Angus hefers..."I*
I*
I would be embarassed to death to die under the hooves of some asshole cow. I mean, if I have to die at all, I'd prefer to die in a "glamourous" fashion. I'd want to die while doing something "brave and courageous"---something that will look heroic in the headlines. Maybe while doing something selfless and noble like entering a prison riot to take care of wounded guards. Or else from entering a burning building to save children, you know? But NOT by getting stomped to death by some stupid cows.A*
Anyway, I promised to bring you up-to-date on some of the stories I've told here. And so without further ado, here they are: F*
T*
The Perils of Jane-Anne:J*
Jane-Anne continues to delight us all with her antics. Hopefully, we've solved the insulin problem and her aunt and uncle will buy it for her. Now if I could just get her to start balancing her diet a little better, I'd be thoroughly satisfied. I nag her every day about it---and she just gets a sheepish grin on her face and promises to do as I advise. She wheedled me around her finger the other day to take time off from work so that she and her husband could make the long trek to Dallas in order to go to the Bob Seger concert.... A*
A*
Also, Jane-Anne caused me to choke on another burrito today by telling me that she and her husband "may not have used protection" while they were in Dallas. I know she wanted me to say something positive, but I'm afraid that I replied by saying: "That's the last dang time I let you go to Dallas for a concert"...
R*
*
Remember the old soldier who, during World War II, along with his co-pilot, baled out of his airplane only a few moments after turning the damaged airplane to fly in a different direction---so that it would blow up over the Mediterranean Sea instead of over Prince Ranier's castle?
H*
He is doing fine on his ranch. He leases his pastures out to a nearby paint pony breeder. His daughter sacrificed her independence in Dallas to move in with him and his wife (who has Alzheimer's Disease) in order to take care of them in their old age. (His wife is also our patient.) It is a pure delight to go out to their ranch and feed pears and apples to the beautiful paint ponies. The daughter used to be a nutritionist and frequently gives dietary advice to Jane-Anne. R*
R*
R*
Remember the other World War II soldier who, in his nightmares, kept re-living the horrific experience of almost being stabbed by an enemy soldier's bayonet---but he was saved at the last minute when one of his buddies killed the enemy soldier?
T*
This wonderful gentleman did not fare so well, and it breaks our hearts every time we think of it. He wanted nothing more than to live out his last days on his cattle ranch with his good ole ranch dog, Jesse. I used to take Jesse dog treats every time I visited the ranch. What happened to this good man was that he fell one night, breaking both hips. He underwent surgery to repair the hips, and then was transferred to a nursing home in order to undergo physical therapy to help him regain the ability to walk.
W*
We road nurses frequently visited him at the nursing home---and it just killed us when we realized that it was extremely doubtful that he would ever regain the ability to walk---or return to his beloved ranch. We would take him gifts and his favorite foods whenever we visited him---but it was always a sad occasion because we realized that he knewhe would probably never again see his ranch.A*
*
And so, we were not surprised when the nursing home called one day to notify us that he had died peacefully in his sleep one night. His daughter took over the care of the good dog, Jesse, but she says that Jesse is still looking for his master... R*
R*
R*
Remember the Rodeo Star and her mother?
R*
And remember how I embarassed myself while looking at the pictures on their wall---and I opened my dumb mouth to remark that the Rodeo Star's rare, prize-winning white mule "sure was a funny looking horse"?
A*
And remember how I had once tripped over their vestibule while entering the front door one day--- landing in a heap just inside the door?
W*
Well anyway, the Rodeo Star's mother was an extremely moody and difficult woman, frequently losing her temper over the stupidest things. God, that woman was difficult to please. I swear, that woman LOOKED for things to get angry over.
F*
For example, she once threw a complete hissy fit in a California airport simply because she ordered a margarita in the bar and was told that it cost over $10.00. She said that this made her so mad that she "put her feet up on the table next to her 'just for spite' and dared the bartender to ask her to take them down".
(*
(I asked her how the margarita tasted and she replied that it was the best damn margarita that she'd ever had in her life but that it was a sin to charge so much for a damn margarita---and she has a point, you know?)
A*
Anyway, one day she got angry at some stupid thing and actually threw something at one of our nurses. Since our road nurse company doesn't condone violence, we informed her that we would no longer be able to visit her. She immediately called her long-suffering doctor to arrange for another road nurse company to take over her care but he said: "Nope. I ain't a'gonna send you any more poor little nurses out there for you to throw stuff at. Your daughter will have to bandage your dang leg from now on."R*
R*
R*
Remember Mr. Tynedale?
H*
He lost an incredible amount of weight but he finally got out of the hospital. He has cancer and is courageously undergoing outpatient chemo treatments. The chemo treatments are half killing him but he still tries to go out and work on his ranch as often as he can, with his sons' help. He was quite worried about his cattle throughout last summer because the drought caused his ponds to dry up to the point that he was forced to water his cattle "from the tap". But the recent rains have filled the ponds back up again, and so the cattle can drink freely once again.
O*
One time Mr. Tynedale forgot to leave the main pasture gate open for my visit--- and I was unable to knock the support plank over to get the gate to open. (The wooden plank was wedged so tightly that it wouldn't budge no matter how hard I kicked it.)
S*
So I hopped the damn fence.
A*
And let me tell you, it is no easy matter to hop a damn cattle fence, okay? I threw my nurse bag over first--- and then I commenced to climb over the damn fence. When I got to the top, I started to swing my legs over but I didn't lift one of them quite high enough...
a*
...and I accidentally caught it on the top rung of the fence and tumbled over the damn fence onto the other side---right into either a cow or donkey pie, I don't know which.
I*
I tore my pants, got cow or donkey pie--- I don't know which --- all over me, and sat there cussing loud enough for God and everybody to hear. One of Mr. Tynedale's sons had spotted me and laughed so hard that he stalled his tractor. That only made me madder, and I struggled to my feet with as much dignity as I could muster---and I walked the rest of the way to the ranch house---my butt and legs stained with cow or donkey pie--- I don't know which.
W*
When I arrived at the back porch, Mr. Tynedale's wife was utterly mortified that I'd had to hop the fence and had fallen into a cow or donkey pie--- I don't know which --- and I thought she'd never get done hollering at the men, who were still laughing, for forgetting to leave the gate open.
B*
But she consoled me by fixing me the best fried-weenie sandwich with French's Mustard on it that I've ever had in my whole entire life.G*
G*
G*
Update on Geena-Lou's kids and their hefers:I*
If you recall, Geena-Lou's kids won prizes on those hefers last summer at the Podunk Livestock Show. The boys "showed" them again at the Ft. Worth Livestock show a couple of weeks ago. They've continued to work hard taking care of them---especially the pregnant one--- because they are planning on showing them again at the Houston Livestock Show in March.
U*
Unfortunately, the hefer they thought was pregnant suddenly stopped eating and turned out NOT to be pregnant. Instead, the poor thing was found to have a large cyst inside of her. But the vet gave her an injection and two days later she started eating again. Hopefully, she will be continue to get better and will be in good shape for the Houston show.
*
The boys are also planning to show some goats while they're in Houston. And Geena-Lou's husband took out a loan to buy the boys some more cattle and roping gear---because the boys are madly practicing their horse-riding and roping skills in the hopes that they'll be good enough to participate in rodeo events this fall.
(*
(Lord, those kids sure did grow fast, you know? It seems like just yesterday that Geena-Lou bought 'em their first saddles....)B*
M*
Update on my best friend Belinda (and remember, she's pregnant):B*
Bless her heart, Belinda is not having a good month. Her road nurse company management is unstable and there's talk of budget and staff cut-backs, which would mean that Belinda's job might be in jeopardy. She called me to talk about it and I reminded her that she's always known that the road nurse business is precarious and unstable. She replied that she understands this but that her husband had always warned her not to go into this field and that "she just didn't want her husband to be right about something".
(*
(Which I can fully understand because there isn't a wife in Texas who would want her husband to win an argument and have a legitimate reason to say those dreaded words: "I told you so".)
A*
Anyway, if Belinda did lose her job, I would hope that I could talk my company's owners into hiring her. Belinda is one of the best and smartest road nurses I've ever worked with and I'd love to work with her again.
H*
Also, Belinda's pregnancy is coming along just fine---she'll find out the sex of the baby next month. I am working on that psychedelic baby blanket. Here's a pic:
I *
Okay, I know, I know----it is a very unorthodox-looking baby blanket. But I must plead knitting insanity here. I have never knitted anything "normal" in my life. I am very rebellious in my knitting, and I am too impatient to follow a written pattern. I have the bad habit of mixing-and-matching bizarre color combinations in patterns that I make up as I go along. Sometimes this works out well, but sometimes it doesn't.
B*N*
Not only do I knit crazy color-combinations, but sometimes I'll take something pretty from a knitting book and plug it into one of my own designs--- as I did on the following unfinished bias-knitted panel jacket with a couple of flower graphs from a Solveig Hisdal book called "Poetry in Stitches".
O*
One time I tried to knit some biker flames onto a hat but it didn't look that great so I scrapped it.
W*
Where was I?O*
Oh yes, the updates. R*
R*
Remember Mrs. Westmoreland--the lady on whose leg I found a dangerous blood clot?W*
Well, she got out of the hospital, finally, after being treated for the blood clot in her leg. But Lord have mercy, she caused quite a stir while she was in there.
F*
First of all, like a lot of elderly people who get admitted to the hospital, she got a little disoriented and agitated---or maybe she was just grouchy. Or maybe she was disoriented, agitated, AND grouchy. In any event, the nurses up there said that she became so agitated one morning that she tossed her scrambled eggs across the room. And when the charge nurse was summoned to calm Mrs. Westmoreland down, it is reported that Mrs. Westmoreland told the Charge Nurse to "Just shut up!"--- which is a sin in Podunk--- and caused gasps of shock and mortification from everybody all around. N*
Note: Most Podunkian females are raised in the old-fashioned Texan way, which means that they are taught that uttering the phrase "Shut up!" is vulgar and akin to cussing.
(*
(*
(You are allowed to say "Be quiet!" if you absolutely MUST ask somebody to be quiet, but it is best to simply insult the person in some other way rather than risk the social stigma of having said anything even vaguely similar to the phrase "shut up".)A*
A*
Anyhoo, Mrs. Westmoreland is home now, and is on anticoagulant medication which her doctor adjusts according to the results of regular blood tests that we road nurses perform on her. Her doctor was very happy that I found that blood clot in her leg. Unfortunately, I ruined his good feelings towards me.
I*
It happened a few days ago when Geena-Lou and I took some Mexican food over to his brand new office as a "housewarming" gift. He had just gotten his medical practice transferred from his old digs and into a fancy new office. The new place is purely gorgeous, impressively furnished with lovely hand-carved wood furniture emblazoned with the Texan Star--- and the whole place is strewn with Aubusson carpets throughout.
W*
When Geena-Lou and I walked in carrying platters of Mexican food, I unfortunately chose that particular moment to make a butt-kissing comment to the doctor's stern office manager, stating in a honeyed voice that I just might have to "switch doctors to be able to come to their beautiful new office on a regular basis"...
a*
...and then I tripped over the weight scale.T*
T*
The platter of food I was carrying went hurtling through the air, past a startled patient, past the horrified doctor--- and then landed on one of the new Aubusson carpets. This was not one of my finer moments, and I don't really want to dwell on it, so let us move on...R*
R*
(And I guess I won't be switching doctors anytime soon...)
*
R*
R*
Remember Miss Mady, Jim Dandy, and Jim Dandy's tales about there being a whiskey fountain in Heaven?
(*
(I wonder....do you think there really IS a whiskey fountain in Heaven?....)M*
M*
Sweet Miss Mady is doing much better. And I still get biscuits whenever I go over there. And I did follow Jim Dandy's instructions and get the Jeep's tire attended to. And I have not lost the gas cap.....yet.R*
R*
Remember Lu-Lu?S*
Sigh. Oh Lord. And Heavenly Mercies.... you had better sit down for this one...
L*
Evidently, Lu-Lu has not gotten over her hard feelings towards her aunt and uncle for terminating her employment. She has not returned any of our phone calls and seems to have turned her back on all her former friends. We do not understand this at all. The only thing we can figure out is that maybe she views people who remain employed by her aunt and uncle as traitors or something---I don't know.
A*
Anyway, we thought that things had worked out just fine for Lu-Lu as she took a job working at the hospital on the same floor as Jenna. But then Jenna told us a harrowing tale....
I*
It seems that last week Lu-Lu was having a drink or two at the local watering hole and she decided to drive home, taking a route through the "rich neighborhood" where all the high-falutin' monied citizens of Podunk enjoy some rather large and stately homes. Unfortunately (and so the story goes...) Lu-Lu was not at her....uh best....and she encountered a little "driving trouble" on the way home.....
a*
...and she ended up jumping the curb and then plowing haphazardly through the center of the front lawn of a home belonging to one of Podunk's most notable surgeons--- plunging through his prize rose bushes, slicing through his precision-shaped hedge, and then four-wheeling it completely OVER the top of his $3,500 bricked mailbox platform--- before careening away into the dark of the night...
S*
So the story goes, Lu-Lu fled the scene, leaving the surgeon and his wife bewildered as to WHO exactly ran down their prize rose bushes, hedge, and the $3,500 bricked mailbox platform. They frantically called the local police who began an investigation into the mysterious mailbox "hit and run".
S*
And so the story goes, early the next morning another well-known doctor in town called the surgeon, informed him that he knew "who did it"--- and offered to pay for the damage if the surgeon would refrain from pressing any charges. (To which the surgeon, not wanting to cause any more gossip at the hospital than had already been generated, graciously agreed---even though it is reported that his wife had quite a few choice cusswords to say about the loss of the prize rose bushes. But she evidently is going to let the matter rest...)
A*
And I'd really like to tell you that I clicked my tongue in disapproval like the rest of the town did upon hearing this crazy tale.... But instead, I will confess that I laughed like a crazed hyena and made a gleeful statement to the effect of "Lu-Lu being the LUCKIEST IDIOT in the whole wide world to have plowed through the lawn of the ONLY HOUSE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD in which the owners are friends of Lu-Lu's doctor friend!"
W*
*
Where was I? Oh yes---updates:
R*
R*
Remember Bonnie, the LVN who herded the runaway cattle with me at the Rickenbocker Ranch?B*
Bonnie left that road nurse company at the same time Belinda did (which was also a few months after I left), to go to work at another road nurse company. Then she left that road nurse company for a better position at the hospital (a position with health insurance and retirement benefits). Apparently, she was in the same "New Employee Orientation" group as Lu-Lu---and she innocently asked Lu-Lu: "Didn't you used to work with Bohemian?" S*
R*
R*
Remember last year when I was horrified to find dry gangrene on multiple fingers of both hands of one of my favorite diabetic patients?S*
She was a fairly young woman, and I was horrified to find widespread dry gangrene on both of her hands. She had already undergone amputation of both of her legs and was terrified of more amputations. I sent her to her doctor---and he did have to amputate one of her fingers a few days later. Her health went downhill from there.
S*
S*
She died three weeks later.
G*
Geena-Lou and I had both taken care of this lady for quite awhile and it was a terrible thing to watch her die so miserably, losing one appendage after another....
(Note: Geena-Lou worked with me at my former road nurse company---and now we both work together again---Podunk is a "small world".)
R*
W*
Which brings me to Mrs. Dimwell --- our diabetic patient who recently had one of her toes amputated. The surgical site has not healed---it looks gangrenous to me---and so she went to see a vascular surgeon in Dallas to see if he could save her foot...Uj*
Unfortunately, Mrs. Dimwell is currently in the exact same situation as the diabetic patient discussed above. The vascular surgeon gave her bad news--- which is that the circulation in her legs is so poor that the necessity for amputating her foot is inevitable.
B8But Mrs. Dimwell has so far refused to schedule the amputation.
S*
And so we continue to do the wound care on her foot, even though there is no hope of it healing. We are hoping that she will use this time to somehow come to terms with the fact that it must be done, but we know that she is terribly frightened.
B*
And each day Geena-Lou and I leave our thoughts on the matter unsaid---which is our fears that Mrs. Dimwell may be in the same horrible plight as that of our other patient. Because both Geena-Lou and I share the unspoken knowledge that even if Mrs. Dimwell consents to the amputation---her life may still be in grave danger.R*
R*
R*
Update on my apartment---remember when I moved into this place last October?U*
Uh....I have to confess that I am still not totally "put together". I am embarassed to admit that I still have a few boxes to unpack, pictures to hang, linens to fold and stack.....well, you get the picture. My work seems to take up most of my time---and there just seems like there's never enough hours in the day, sometimes....
A*
And oh yes.... a number of people have asked me why my doctor instructed me to put Vicks salve on my feet when I was sick awhile ago. Around here they use Vicks salve on the feet to "draw out" the cold. I had strep throat, not a cold--- but it worked!--- and I truly felt better the next day. Sometimes, I guess home remedies really do work pretty well!
*
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