I will be the first to admit that I have never thought of myself as a good mother; in fact on a scale from 0 to 10 with 0 being the kind of mother who does crack and offers her children some as well and 10 being the Donna Reed type who is always neatly dressed and says the perfect thing at the perfect time, I would have rated myself, at best a 3. I was never the type of mother who was active in school with the PTA or part of the Band Boosters. I was never the type of mother who volunteered to be room mother and bake cookies for special events, and I was never the kind of mother who cheerfully decorated for each and every holiday including St. Patrick's Day and the 4 th of July. I worked the entire time my children were small, and if the truth be told, even if I didn't work, I would not have been the type of parent who did all those things that people think make a good mother. Consequently, I was filled with the guilt that my children would grow up maladjusted because their mother was not a good mother. I carried that guilt for a very long time, and at times was told that I was less than adequate as a parent because I didn't partake in the things that society portrayed as the good wholesome mother.
What did I do for my children? I did the things that I enjoyed doing. I enjoyed softball, so when my children reached the age that they wanted to play softball, I participated fully. I coached softball (which in the young years should be interpreted that I baby sat for all the parents who dropped their 5 years old children off at practice), I played softball for endless hours in the back yard teaching my children how to throw, catch, and hit. I enjoyed doing these things and my children enjoyed doing them with me. Some would say that I was reliving my youth through my children, and maybe they were right, I don't know; but both of my children embraced softball and loved the game as much as I did. When I stepped back out of the coaching role and gave my children an opportunity to end their softball career, they chose, independently to continue playing.
Had I pushed myself into being a room mother and made cookies and played games (which I believe there is a huge need for and I truly appreciated the mothers who do this), I would have been miserable, and I believe, as a result, so would my children. My children were lucky, they had an aunt who decorated for every holiday, no matter how minute the holiday was, she made a big hoopla over the smallest of things which my children adored. What I lacked in the "good mother" qualities, she excelled giving my children a very happy and well rounded childhood.
Since I worked, my children had "chores" they had to do and I used to leave lists of things that I wanted accomplished before I got home. When they were small, the lists were small, and as they grew, the lists were longer and more complicated. My mother used to babysit my children, (which is one of the best things a grandmother can do for her grandchildren; their bond was cemented in love and respect for each other). Even when my mother watched my children, they had lists of things they had to do, even if it was just dusting the furniture for my mother.
I also enjoyed challenging my children. During summer vacation, I'd pick out a book for each of my children to read and they'd have to give me a little summary every week on what they had to read. At first, they both thought that it wasn't fair that I gave them homework during summer vacation; but after a short time, they both looked forward to giving me a "report" on the book they were reading. It was fun for me because some of the books that I gave them to read I hadn't read in years which made me catch up on some old classics.
I talked to my children a lot. I loved talking to my children, no matter which age they were. It was so exciting to see the world through their eyes. The eyes of innocence see things so differently and it was this knowledge that I loved hearing. I particularly loved the time when my children "branched off" and started to develop ideas of their own which didn't necessarily coincide with my views. Letting them explain why they had these ideas and supporting them with facts and their young insight fostered a respect between my children and myself that I see lacking in so many other parent-children relationships.
Yes, way back then, I didn't think what I was doing was an important parenting tool. I was not visible in the schools nor in the community; but I was visible to my children. When other parents didn't allow their children to watch "R" rated movies or listen to what they felt was "objectionable" music; I allowed my children to do so and I listened and watched right along with them. We discussed the lyrics to songs together which enabled me to give an intelligent viewpoint from what I actually heard on what they actually were saying as opposed to the occasional 4-letter words that were added for affect. What was the message and how did it impact them on a personal level? Why were they drawn to that particular song or artist? Most of the times I was not offended by what the artist had to say, it was just like the protest songs of the 60's that our parents didn't want us to listen to but they actually never listened to themselves. I was able to say, "You know girls, this guy really talks about women as if they were second class citizens and have no value in the world today, is that something you can stand by?" I left the answers up to them, and they generally made what I consider wise choices.
I was also the mother who would not allow my child to spend hours at the mall with only $10.00 in their pocket while other parents allowed their children to spend the entire day in the mall without an agenda. Yep, my girls didn't like the fact that I didn't allow them to spend hours upon hours at a place "hanging out." Why? Well, in my opinion, when you have a group of kids without any appreciable amount of money to speak of just hanging around a place that is meant to be a place where you purchase things; that's just disaster waiting to happen. Yep, it was more than one parent who couldn't understand that I would allow my children to watch "R" rated movies and listen to "terrible music" but wouldn't allow them the privilege of spending a few (insert 8) hours at the mall.
I didn't drop my children off at other people's homes for the weekend just to get rid of them, but I did have my fair share of children who spent the weekend at my house with my children. I didn't allow my children to have beepers (back then beepers were the thing to have, now it's cell phones) at the age of 12 so I could "know where they were all the time." I would always laugh and tell them, I know where you are all the time now, a beeper isn't going to help me with that.
I allowed my children to spend ample time with their grandparents; time well spent which enriched both my children's lives and the lives of my parents. When my daughters were 18 years old they'd pack up a little bag and spend the weekend with grandma and grandpa which wasn't more than 10 minutes down the road. They enjoyed their grandparents; something I don't see very much of these days.
For so very long I thought I was a horrible mother. I didn't fit in to the good mother mold. Somewhere along the line though, I must have done a few things right. My children have grown up to be women I am very proud of. They are independent thinkers and have morals that they can back up with sound reasoning and judgement. They are non-judgemental and accepting of all people. I am proud to say they are color blind, gender blind, and alternative life style blind. I am proud when they do not laugh when it is at the expense of another. I am proud of them as human beings.
I will be the first to admit that I have never thought of myself as a good mother; in fact on a scale from 0 to 10 with 0 being the kind of mother who does crack and offers her children some as well and 10 being the Donna Reed type who is always neatly dressed and says the perfect thing at the perfect time, I would have rated myself, at best a 3. I was never the type of mother who was active in school with the PTA or part of the Band Boosters. I was never the type of mother who volunteered to be room mother and bake cookies for special events, and I was never the kind of mother who cheerfully decorated for each and every holiday including St. Patrick's Day and the 4 th of July. I worked the entire time my children were small, and if the truth be told, even if I didn't work, I would not have been the type of parent who did all those things that people think make a good mother. Consequently, I was filled with the guilt that my children would grow up maladjusted because their mother was not a good mother. I carried that guilt for a very long time, and at times was told that I was less than adequate as a parent because I didn't partake in the things that society portrayed as the good wholesome mother.
What did I do for my children? I did the things that I enjoyed doing. I enjoyed softball, so when my children reached the age that they wanted to play softball, I participated fully. I coached softball (which in the young years should be interpreted that I baby sat for all the parents who dropped their 5 years old children off at practice), I played softball for endless hours in the back yard teaching my children how to throw, catch, and hit. I enjoyed doing these things and my children enjoyed doing them with me. Some would say that I was reliving my youth through my children, and maybe they were right, I don't know; but both of my children embraced softball and loved the game as much as I did. When I stepped back out of the coaching role and gave my children an opportunity to end their softball career, they chose, independently to continue playing.
Had I pushed myself into being a room mother and made cookies and played games (which I believe there is a huge need for and I truly appreciated the mothers who do this), I would have been miserable, and I believe, as a result, so would my children. My children were lucky, they had an aunt who decorated for every holiday, no matter how minute the holiday was, she made a big hoopla over the smallest of things which my children adored. What I lacked in the "good mother" qualities, she excelled giving my children a very happy and well rounded childhood.
Since I worked, my children had "chores" they had to do and I used to leave lists of things that I wanted accomplished before I got home. When they were small, the lists were small, and as they grew, the lists were longer and more complicated. My mother used to babysit my children, (which is one of the best things a grandmother can do for her grandchildren; their bond was cemented in love and respect for each other). Even when my mother watched my children, they had lists of things they had to do, even if it was just dusting the furniture for my mother.
I also enjoyed challenging my children. During summer vacation, I'd pick out a book for each of my children to read and they'd have to give me a little summary every week on what they had to read. At first, they both thought that it wasn't fair that I gave them homework during summer vacation; but after a short time, they both looked forward to giving me a "report" on the book they were reading. It was fun for me because some of the books that I gave them to read I hadn't read in years which made me catch up on some old classics.
I talked to my children a lot. I loved talking to my children, no matter which age they were. It was so exciting to see the world through their eyes. The eyes of innocence see things so differently and it was this knowledge that I loved hearing. I particularly loved the time when my children "branched off" and started to develop ideas of their own which didn't necessarily coincide with my views. Letting them explain why they had these ideas and supporting them with facts and their young insight fostered a respect between my children and myself that I see lacking in so many other parent-children relationships.
Yes, way back then, I didn't think what I was doing was an important parenting tool. I was not visible in the schools nor in the community; but I was visible to my children. When other parents didn't allow their children to watch "R" rated movies or listen to what they felt was "objectionable" music; I allowed my children to do so and I listened and watched right along with them. We discussed the lyrics to songs together which enabled me to give an intelligent viewpoint from what I actually heard on what they actually were saying as opposed to the occasional 4-letter words that were added for affect. What was the message and how did it impact them on a personal level? Why were they drawn to that particular song or artist? Most of the times I was not offended by what the artist had to say, it was just like the protest songs of the 60's that our parents didn't want us to listen to but they actually never listened to themselves. I was able to say, "You know girls, this guy really talks about women as if they were second class citizens and have no value in the world today, is that something you can stand by?" I left the answers up to them, and they generally made what I consider wise choices.
I was also the mother who would not allow my child to spend hours at the mall with only $10.00 in their pocket while other parents allowed their children to spend the entire day in the mall without an agenda. Yep, my girls didn't like the fact that I didn't allow them to spend hours upon hours at a place "hanging out." Why? Well, in my opinion, when you have a group of kids without any appreciable amount of money to speak of just hanging around a place that is meant to be a place where you purchase things; that's just disaster waiting to happen. Yep, it was more than one parent who couldn't understand that I would allow my children to watch "R" rated movies and listen to "terrible music" but wouldn't allow them the privilege of spending a few (insert 8) hours at the mall.
I didn't drop my children off at other people's homes for the weekend just to get rid of them, but I did have my fair share of children who spent the weekend at my house with my children. I didn't allow my children to have beepers (back then beepers were the thing to have, now it's cell phones) at the age of 12 so I could "know where they were all the time." I would always laugh and tell them, I know where you are all the time now, a beeper isn't going to help me with that.
I allowed my children to spend ample time with their grandparents; time well spent which enriched both my children's lives and the lives of my parents. When my daughters were 18 years old they'd pack up a little bag and spend the weekend with grandma and grandpa which wasn't more than 10 minutes down the road. They enjoyed their grandparents; something I don't see very much of these days.
For so very long I thought I was a horrible mother. I didn't fit in to the good mother mold. Somewhere along the line though, I must have done a few things right. My children have grown up to be women I am very proud of. They are independent thinkers and have morals that they can back up with sound reasoning and judgement. They are non-judgemental and accepting of all people. I am proud to say they are color blind, gender blind, and alternative life style blind. I am proud when they do not laugh when it is at the expense of another. I am proud of them as human beings.