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Will M.S. Kill Me?

Posted Jul 15 2009 9:07am

It just breaks my heart that the title of this article is the number one search phrase that landed visitors to Sunshine and Moonlight within the last 30 days.  In a way though, I’m happy that these searchers landed here – a place that promises to be positive without mindless optimism .  But none-the-less, while checking my blog stats this weekend, I was saddened to be reminded of how those newly diagnosed with this terrible disease feel.

I remember those days in the hospital, those three, long days while waiting for an official diagnosis.  I remember going through every test imaginable and breathing a sigh of relief when hearing the negative diagnosis that followed each (no brain tumor, no pituitary tumor, no heart problems, no clots or blockages, no stroke and on and on).   Since everything else had been ruled out, I knew in my heart of hearts, by the end of day two, that I was going to hear those words: “You definitely have M.S.” by morning.  And, that’s exactly how it all played out.

As I’ve told the story numerous times before, my laptop was with me at the hospital, so by the evening of day two, I began a little bit of research.  I, too, wondered (if it really was M.S.) if I would die.  I wondered if I’d end up in a wheelchair.  I wondered about my future.  I was scared beyond a level fathomable to my mind or my body.  At least when I had cancer, I knew my prognosis and what I needed to do to beat the thing.  Everything I read about M.S. shouted “UNCERTAIN FUTURE” to me.

While checking up on my recently neglected blog, I then read a comment from “Lani” on the article about the Spoon Theory.  She wrote: “I live with permanent brain damage (brain stem) and although to many people I look and sound ‘normal’ and ‘undamaged’ spoon theory absolutely describes what each day is like for me as well. So often other people’s attitudes toward those of us with disabilities are the hardest things to deal with. Referring them to spoon theory is extremely helpful in their gaining some insight into what each day is like for so many of us.”

Lani speaks for so many of us, doesn’t she? I only hope for a day when those who suffer from permanent brain damage from M.S. can go through life without the challenges facing them.  The only day I hope for more is one where no one, ever again, visits the internet to ask: “Will M.S. Kill Me?”

Posted in Life with M.S. Tagged: M.S., Multiple sclerosis
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