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Where Did I Go??

Posted Feb 02 2012 2:45pm


Happy Ground Hogs Day! It's amazing how fast time goes by. I was looking back last year at how few Blogs I wrote and how many times I really intended on blogging. I have had lots of topics or ideas that I thought about writing but never could find the energy or ambition to write. This is just a glimpse as to how things have been going in my life. Depression, Anxiety, and Phobias have taken over my life and I never saw it happening until it was almost too late.

Being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis was very hard. I was diagnosed in March of 2007, after a very long and rough exacerbation. Now looking back, I would say that the depression first started. If you don't see it happening, you don't get help. As the years have gone on so have the pains and symptoms. I spent more time in bed and unable to do all the things I used to do and even wanted to do. If I had a good day, I would push myself and then suffer for days. Heck, who am I fooling, I still am going through that. It wasn't until last Fall that I started realizing how distant I have become from everyone. The Holidays were fast approaching and the worse I was feeling. I was waking up sick, the pain increasing, was crying from the second I woke up until I went to bed, and much more. It wasn't until the day that everyone was leaving the house. I started shaking, felt like I was going to be sick, had this horrible sensation of fear, and then started crying. Are you kidding me? I am afraid of being alone? I felt like I was losing my mind. What is wrong with me?

I have always refused talking to a therapist, mostly because there was nothing wrong with me. Or at least I didn't think so. After a few more episodes of this craziness I had to make that dreaded call. By the time I went in to see him, it had become even worse and was happening everyday all day long. While talking to him and answering his questions, I actually was becoming more and more embarrassed with my answers to these questions. I am the type that avoids calling the Dr's until a lot has built up, mostly because after being diagnosed with MS, I find that everything would get blamed on MS. When I do finally get the nerve to call and go in to see them, usually the issue is at the extreme and then I want fixed... I WANT FIXED NOW!!! I guess I forget that the issue(s) may have been fixed fast if I would have gone in but I let it go months and months. So, of course, I went to the Therapist, answered the questions, and expected him to fix whatever is going on.

It didn't go that way. I am listening to him talk and it was like a Charlie Brown's Cartoon. "Wait... What did you just say"? The Therapist said it again. "You are having Severe Anxiety Attacks , You have Major Depression , and you are suffering from Agoraphobia this is very common in people that have been very sick for a long time. Part of this can be due to the MS". I kind of giggled, in disbelief or maybe embarrassment, and then hit him with my normal response. "OK, so how do we fix this? Christmas is in 3 weeks and I have to be around all our family and friends. It's been over 3 weeks since I left the house and the idea of being around everyone is causing this to get worse and worse.

Then the dreaded words came out... "This has been going on for years, this will not be an easy or quick fix. How bad do you want to live, keep your family and friends, and most importantly... be happy and live your life again"? Of course I choose to get my life back and most importantly be happy. I miss the "old me" I feel like I have lost me and people expect so much out of me and don't understand or don't care. I worry about everything and everybody, I care so much about others and continue to get hurt everyday. I never speak my mind, out of fear of hurting other's feelings but they do it to me all the time. I wish I had the switch that other's have to make me not care. He responded with " You are You and You can't change the way other's are and how they will treat you. All you can do is learn to find ways to cope with being hurt, let down, disappointed, etc.. If that is the life they choose to live to make them happy, that is their choice. All we can do is work on what makes you happy and how to cope or handle those situations".

This is the beginning of finding "ME and My Inner Happiness". Does anyone else feel the same way or go through the same battle as me? Have you ever wondered "Why Me"? Well, I always do and always come back with the same answer and that is... To help others. As hard and embarrassing as this is to me. I will journal my Journey as often as Possible. I get through life by helping others and I hope this will help others. Feel Free to Follow along and see where this journey leads... Hopefully to finding my Inner Happiness.
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