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Where did I go? Who Am I Now?

Posted Nov 11 2009 10:02pm
I am in the middle of an exacerbation and on day 2 of my steroid treatment. They are having to modify my treatments due to my intestinal problems and at the moment nothing is working right. When I am on Steroids I tend to become very emotional.

At the moment I am wondering where the old me went? Who am I now? 8 years ago I was a mother of 3, a daycare provider for 8 kids, I was the head of a Community Awareness program for our neighborhood and helped other neighborhoods start up community groups. I was always doing yard work, crafts, involved with the schools, and was there for everyone.

Today, I sit here wondering where that person is? Where did I go. I feel like a nobody. I am not able to be there for my kids the way I was. I actually have to depend on them for help. I barely have the energy to do any of the crafts and yard work that I used to do. The things that made me happy are gone. At the moment I sit here thinking... Tara, what makes you happy? And I can't find the answer. I am at a place that I feel replaceable. My Daughter does so much of the daily house work and helps with the boys homework along with cooking meals. She does all this with a smile on her face. I go to work most days and try to do my best putting forth all my energy helping others when they walk in the door. I try to make them happy no matter what or how I am feeling inside. I am exhausted mentally and hurt so much when I come home that I take a nap. Some days for a few hours and then come down and be with my kids and other days too tired to even get out of bed. I don't have the same enjoyment in life as I used to get. I know that I am better then I was 3 years ago. I wasn't even able to work and could barely get out of bed along with my cognitive skills being taken away from me. For Gods sake I was put on Alzheimer's medications at 35 years old to try to regain some of my memory. For the most part it worked. Some things I still have a hard time comprehending but I figure out different ways to overcome it.

I think for the most part I am doing the best and most that I can but at times like this I feel like I am lost. In some ways I feel replaceable. I hate this feeling and I don't know how to overcome this. I have always been a very strong person and I feel so weak right now. I feel so unimportant and unable to make people happy. My whole life has been about making people happy. It didn't matter how I felt or what I had going on in my life. I felt that my job was to take on others problems and help them solve them so they would be happy. By doing that, it would make me happy. I never wanted to disappoint anyone and right now I feel like I am disappointing everyone. I can't control this disease, I can't control my intestinal problems, I can not control when they want to exacerbate and of course it never comes at a good time. I don't know if there is ever a good time and I will always let people down when this happens. Of course when I let these people down then I get more upset and worried and depressed. This time of year is not a good time because of the holidays and my kids birthdays and Christmas. Every day I am out of work is less money I have for that. Which of course depresses me even more. Then I blame myself for letting them down. Not that we spend much on Christmas but it is just another disappointment to myself. As I am writing this I am realizing that I probably am not letting other people down as much as I am letting myself down. I am not used to that and I don't know how to cope with that.

I just want out of this. I want everything to go away and my old life back. I want to be the strong one that can accomplish everything and be there for everybody especially my kids and my husband. I know that life takes turns for a lot of people and bad things happen but it seems as those people tend to handle it better than me. I am lost. I want to know where I went and how to get me back. Or if that can't happen then I want to know who I am now? And understand how to be this new person?

I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone but it is how I am feeling right now.
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