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What do I fear?

Posted Oct 01 2008 8:39pm

sorry for all the edited all wrong.

I am afraid of things that the average person does not fear. When someone
has a disease of the brain, it is incredibly easy to slide into dark despair
and despair is a beast that breathes, stomps about this earth with
cloven-hoofed feet and dragon fiery claws. Despair is a slippery slope.

I have two different, distinct diseases of the brain.

Every so often I have to stop and look them square on like a Spanish
bullfighter does a bull...challenge them to a duel just so that
I can breathe again.

Just so I can Live. This acknowledging of my fear seems to quiet it
down and it becomes a more peaceful and soothing a heartbeat.
I hate being sick. I would hate being dead even more.

What I really truly and secretly fear, deep down inside, in the
dark, when I am alone & truthful is that I may loose my mind.
I may loose this battle against the forces inside my brain.

I imagine little warrior knights doing battle against the
damaged cells in my skull, in my spinal column....

Am I silly, sick or healthy? can’t be any worse than shooting up with
Chinese Hamster Ovary Cells three times a week can it?

ckays1967 at 3:42:00 PM PDT Link to this entry

This entry has 18 comments: (Add your own)
I love the truth of this entry.
Comment from theresarrt7 - 10/3/05 7:08 PM

You have rendered me speechless...very powerful.....
Sending my thoughts your way.....
Comment from jouell3935 - 10/1/05 5:16 PM

I often imagine a similar battle...I use light...a healing
light repairing my scars in my brain. And yes it is the dark
when we are truly alone that that sli[pery slope of despair
becomes so real and frightening. We've just got to hang in
there... and hit it with everything we got...accupuncture,
Cheer on the White Knight!!!
Comment from gypsytrader49 - 10/1/05 11:10 AM


I understand your fears for I know them well. Do not worry
my dear daughter, if you lose a part of your mind, I will help
you develop that gray matter that hasn't been trained yet.
I believe that the reason we only use a portion of our brains
is because God wanted to ensure that we have a constant reserve.
So grab your red cape, look the bull square in the eye and say,
"Go ahead...hit me with your best shot! I'll be in the crowd
cheering you on with a heartfelt...Bravo Christina, Bravo!

Love you heart and soul,

Comment from tsgerkin - 9/30/05 4:48 PM for me! I have to do battle daily too and
I use the same kind of imagery sometimes...whatever gets
us thru the day!!!

Be well,
Comment from princesssaurora - 9/30/05 11:52 AM

as we know God does not give us a spirit of fear.. but
he does give us ways to fight it : ) Think of those
little kights fighting as Angels waring in the spirit
for you and having VICOTORY! (((HUGS)))
Comment from hunybea4him - 9/30/05 8:40 AM

Take care, keep writing. You're in my prayers.
Comment from jmorancoyle - 9/30/05 5:13 AM

Losing my mind is my fear as well, and I don't have
rational excuses for the fear. Living well with your
illnesses takes a lot of courage, and you have that
by the shipload. By the way, I love seeing you comment
in my journal as well.
Comment from sistercdr - 9/30/05 3:23 AM

I truly admire your courage and your honesty.. Jon
Comment from jayveeconcerto - 9/30/05 12:02 AM

I never know what to say...
everything that comes to mind is so trite in the
face of all you are.
Your spirit is bigger than your disease, friend
Comment from sunnyside46 - 9/29/05 8:25 PM

I cannot imagine what you must be going through, either,
Christina, but if you need an ear, I am here. I had a
neighbor who had MS when I lived in Palmer Lake, CO.
Because of her, I know a little bit more about it than
I might otherwise. You have my............

Love and prayers,
Comment from rjet33 - 9/29/05 7:04 PM

I cannot imagine what you must be going through.
My sister has MS so I read your journal and feel
a connection with you. I am so glad you have the
outlet of this journal and, obviously, are a sharp
cookie. God bless you.

Comment from dbp2000 - 9/29/05 5:46 PM

So sorry you are suffering. I tell my children there
is nothing wrong with fear as long as you are working
on it. ;) C.
Comment from gdireneoe - 9/29/05 5:17 PM

((((Christina)))) If you lose your mind, you can
have a piece of mine...;) Lisa :-]
Comment from lisaram1955 - 9/29/05 5:07 PM

Christina, perfectly healthy people have fears and
torment...for me it is like my mind is raging and on
fire...If I did not have my responsibilities to keep
me busy and my creativity to give me satisfaction,
and my writing as an outlet, I would have folded long
ago. The world ...people... can be so dark...when that
happens there is only one place to turn to be filled
with light. I think that was the point of the apostle
sinking into the water when he took His eyes off the
Lord... just for a moment. Christina, I believe you
to be one of the most talented poet's I have read.
Your courage with MS is a beakon in everyon's storm,
your newest endeavor will be life changing and such
a blessing you will wonder about days such as these.
Life is a miracle and you especially are a miracle...cMp
Comment from courtenaymphelan - 9/29/05 4:44 PM

I`m so sorry that you have to live with such overt
fears. Despair can lead us into that vale of circular
thinking; thoughts that have no meaning other than to
cause us pain. To this we must say NO! Poetry,
Reading, especially writing; these are things that
help me say no...
{{{ Hugs & Faith }}}
Comment from deabvt - 9/29/05 3:59 PM

Sometimes I read what you write and I turn off my
computer. I close my eyes and try to imagine being
you. Every time I do that, hon, I admire you more;
especially for the way you accept that which must
be so terrifying. You inspire me to be more courageous
when facing my own demons. Wish there was a way to
repay you for that.
Love you much.
Comment from barbpinion - 9/29/05 3:48 PM

Your fears are not odd. I have the same fears.
And, like you, my most horrid fear is that I someday
may lose my mind. It is so out there now. It scares me.
Hugs, LuAnne
Comment from thebaabee - 9/29/05 3:46 PM

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