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Posted Jul 08 2010 1:56pm
Since I had gone to my PCP and he had ordered the CTs of my pelvis and abdomen and then, the next day, referred me to my GYN, it stood to reason that something the PCP saw on the CT needed the attention of the GYN. (are you following this?)

Turns out there was nothing notable on the CT. Nothing abnormal about any organs and no sign of aortic aneurysm or anything else. No masses, nada, zip, zilch.

GYN did a full exam and then ordered a pelvic ultrasound which I will have on Monday.

Tomorrow I go to the consultation visit for the colonoscopy. One test I'm really not looking forward to, but as long as they are poking and prodding every inch of me, what the hey.

It may end up being MS after all...who knows. I do know I need to let go of the worry and of things beyond my control.

I really don't know how those of you out there who have severe disability can cope so well. How do you find the joy in living each day for all it's worth? You are my inspiration, I want you to know. I admire each and every one of you who finds the inner strength to face each day with a smile on your face and not dwell on the bad, but focus on the good.

I thought I was doing so well and had such a good attitude until learning that others see me as a complainer. I am ashamed of myself for being so blessed with the good health I have --compared to so many of you who have lost so much -- and I have been bothered by this all day. I will try to take into consideration that much of my audience consists of MSers who undoubtedly have more issues than I, and I will try not to appear so self-absorbed and whiny.

I do have it good. I am so blessed that my MS is so mild after 11 years. I do thank God every day that I can still walk, that I'm in this trial, that things seem to be going well for me.

I really am not trying to focus on something little and make a mountain out of a mole hill. I have just lost too many people in my life to stuff they brushed off as nothing, which came back to bite them and turned out to be something. I'm not going to let something this weird and abnormal just slide by with no explanation.

I've been writing this blog ever since the start of my trial and I promised myself I wouldn't just be a fair weather blogger, logging only the good things. Rather this is documentation (however interspersed with trivial, unrelated flotsam and jetsam) and all these tests are part of that process.

If this turns out to be in some way related to the clinical trial, I think those who follow along, wanting the unvarnished truth about a first hand participant's experience, deserve to be given the honest truth. Of course I can't hide the fear or whininess, but I'll try.

Hopefully I can get back to posting the hilarity of it all -- just as soon as I get my sense of humor back. I know it's around here somewhere...
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