Today is my birthday. I’m 37. As I reflect on the year, I find that I am disappointed in my performance with this blog. I want to be better and more and I want this blog to be better and more. I’ve been feeling really…stuck…and trying to figure out why.
Sometimes I can’t write because I feel afraid that no one is out there listening and I am just fooling myself, thinking that I matter. Sometimes I can’t write because I feel afraid that my silly little thoughts are not enough to help you.
I often worry that I am letting you down by not posting enough, and then I definitely can’t write, because it just makes me feel overwhelmed, so I run to Netflix or Hulu for relief.
Sometimes I have moments of profound inspiration that I want more than anything to share with you, but then my daughter asks me to make her something to eat or I have to pay some bills or some other such daily-life nonsense and then it fades away, and is lost.
Or if the job of living is not enough to assassinate my inspiration, sometimes my own fear and doubt gladly step up for the task.
Sometimes I have nothing to say. Sometimes I feel that I am simply meant to receive and integrate what I’m learning and feeling and though I wish I could communicate with you, I just can’t.
Sometimes I’m afraid you won’t love me.
Sometimes I fear I am not good enough to do what it is I want to do. Sometimes I fear there is nothing I could say or do that could make your life better.
But mostly I fear that I don’t matter. That I am irrelevant. That my voice will be lost among the endless sea of voices broadcasting their existence across the world wide web. I mean seriously, who doesn’t have a blog these days?
I want to be writing every day so that you can count on me to be there for you no matter what. But I haven’t yet figured out how to be there for myself, no matter what. I’m working on that.
I don’t know what else to say except that my heart is with every one of you who is reading this who might be struggling, or feeling lonely or hopeless or frustrated or heartbroken or scared. I am with all of you. And I guess I hope that sharing my shadow with you here in this public forum will make you feel less alone, and in so doing, be a sort of redemption for me too.
Ram Dass once said, about the meaning of this crazy life, that we are all just walking each other home. I like that.