The Demons Are Here — and Not Because of Halloween
Posted Oct 14 2008 4:05am
Sometimes the demons haunt us, don’t they? No matter how much we all try to stay positive, sometimes the fears seep in and take control. The most positive people become frightened and filled with self-doubt. I have found that life with M.S. brings with it these fears and unfortunately we can’t suppress them all of the time. The following is from a loyal reader, who fights daily to stay positive and strong. She’s a role model in her community and in her career, yet the demons are visiting. She asked that I share this will all of you to remind us all that it’s OK to be frightened and frustrated at times. Let’s give her our support !
I try to stay positive. I try to feel fortunate to have medications available that earlier patients with MS never had. I play by the rules, inject every night, rotate sites faithfully, record in the journal, re-order syringes on time, etc. etc.
I try to appreciate that I am apparently still in the early stages of MS, despite being in my fifties. I remember that I am fortunate to have a good job, with good health insurance. I know that I am blessed with enough strength to keep on working.
And I still send donations to the American Cancer Society and many other charities that solicit by mail, and I try to remember that what I have could be worse. I try to be grateful. I send as many prayers of thanks as I send prayers for help.
But sometimes the darker side of this chronic condition takes over, and I begin to resent that our diagnosis of MS results in a prescription that hurts, and one that we have to administer ourselves, for the rest of our lives. I cannot believe that they could not find a way to make this compound with a little dose of pain reliever.
And sometimes I wonder why we are just given the prescription, told to talk to a telephone nurse, and deal with this on our own …
I don’t like this side of myself … this is new, and has come with this diagnosis. I’m not typically a negative person … I’m not normally jealous of others. But I find myself realizing that people with other conditions get much more personal attention with their treatments … unless we’re on Tysabri, we get a monthly box of more syringes with more painful injections delivered by UPS or FedEx rather than by a medical pharmacist.
I guess I need a curt reminder to keep a stiff upper lip … and that is primarily what I do.
I never would have thought I would react this way to a diagnosis and treatment. I’m not happy with myself, and would not want you to think less of me for expressing these disappointments and resentment s. It feels safe to do so here.
I do want to thank all who have posted their concerns and questions here, as we have created a community of understanding by doing so.
Please tell me if you think that this is a phase that will pass. I don’t want to be a negative person … but I am really annoyed with the way ms treatments are handled, and annoyed with myself for reacting this way. I’m trying to be patient, as that is the me that I once always knew…
Posted in Life with M.S. Tagged: M.S., Multiple sclerosis