What causes sadness and sluggish despair? I am not talking about the rational sadness (one with a cause) that jumps up and down shouting, "Yo who....over here, be sad, be very sad." The sadness that I mean is more of an impression that something is missing. The idea that things are not all ok, but when people ask me why I am sad the best I can offer is "Geez, I really don't know."
It is human to get the blues for no reason at all. It is also kind of female. My husband does not really get the blues but ask any woman and she will say that sometimes despair just envelopes her being. Some women become so professional at sadness that they forget how to get to the joy.
For me it rare to feel this way. It is like snow in May....rare but not unheard of. On a certain level the sadness is steeped in the inability to fix myself. There isn't anything I can do to change the illness that have rooted themselves in my body. Like a host at a good party my body is very obliging. I feel sad because I DON'T WANT to be sick. I don't want MS or any illness. I want to dance in the streets, wear outrageous costumes and stay out all night if it strikes my fancy. I want to sing loudly and off key.
I want to be able to run without feeling dizzy....I want to do simple things like shave my legs without worrying whether or not I am pushing too hard. I can no longer feel the part of my leg I shave and this has become kind of a sick worry. (What if I cut myself? What if I don't notice? What if I bleed to death in the shower and Charley fails to wake up? What if I shave, bleed and then get dizzy from the lost blood and fall in the shower? Oh my, what if I loose my sight right now while I am shaving? Lord, just get me thru this shower.)
And I want.
In wanting, I grow.
In growing there is an sadness for my innocence lost.
And the sadness grows to a warm embrace that frees me from myself.
Main Entry: 1reÂ·gret Pronunciation: ri-'gret Function: verb Inflected Form(s): reÂ·gretÂ·ted; reÂ·gretÂ·ting Etymology: Middle English regretten, from Middle French regreter, from Old French, from re- + -greter (perhaps of Germanic origin; akin to Old Norse grAta to weep) -- more atGREETtransitive senses 1 a : to mourn the loss or death of b : to miss very much 2 : to be very sorry for intransitive senses : to experience regret - reÂ·gretÂ·ter noun
1 a: to mourn the loss
1 b: to miss very much
Yes, this is it, I regret the passing of my healthy self and am forlorn by this shell left here.
Regret is a good word for how it feels to be me today.