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Paranoia Will Destroy Ya

Posted Jan 22 2009 6:18pm
My mind has left and found a new home elsewhere. Where? I have no clue, but oh, just to have it back again. Focusing--yeah right. Concentrating--not a chance. Spaced out--definitely. And paranoia--sheesh!

When I get up in the AM, I get the kids ready for school, drop them off, then return home to attend to household chores. I always do this in the morning, because later on I just don't have the energy. I do a couple of things around the house, but not to much or the shocks, vibrations, buzzing, numbness all come on with a vengeance. I try to keep those friends as subtle and faint as possible.

Yesterday I dropped the kids off at school, then came home to diddle around the house. B was home sick and was in bed with a raging fever. As I was walking through my dining room, heading towards the living room, the doorbell rang. I was about 5 feet from the door, carrying a basket of laundry. I stopped dead in my tracks and immediately freaked out. Oh My God, who could it be? Why would they be here? It must be something bad right? Should I answer the door? What if they want money, I don't have any money.

Finally I moved VERY slowly towards the dining room window which overlooks the front porch. Step by step, as slow and lightly as possible so the floor doesn't creak (old house). I get to the window, crane my head to look, still holding the basket of laundry. NO ONE IS THERE! But wait!! There is a blind spot near the front door. If they know this window overlooks the porch, then of course they know that there is a blind spot. NOW WHAT? Should I go wake up B? Of course not. They would hear me walking towards and up the stairs. (Again, old house.)

I very gently set down my basket of laundry and silently creep towards the front door. The doorbell hasn't rang again. Are they trying to trick me? I KNOW they are there. But who could it be? I stop once I reach the front door, which has a small, partially frosted window. Very slowly I poke my head up towards the window. I continue to move slowly because if they see a shadow they will know I'm here and they won't go away! NO ONE IS THERE!!

Now I race to the front window in the living room to see who is parked out front. Surely they know I've seen them and are trying to make a get-away. NO ONE IS THERE!!

Is this when I need to call the doc to increase my meds? What the hell was that all about anyway? Of course, I carried on with my chores acting like everything was normal. I didn't even tell B about it because he would think I'm in need of a group of white coats to come and get me.

I've been spacey, having trouble concentrating, and let's not forget irritable. We won't even go there.

This morning was a follow up appointment with my PCP, where I ended up breaking down and crying as we sat there talking. The quick follow-up appointment ended up lasting 45 minutes. Isn't that like a therapy session?? That's what it felt like, and it felt good to let everything out to someone that isn't having to deal with it everyday. One of his main concerns is my depression, and he disagrees with the fatigue med the neuro doc put me on. The med is amantadine, and apparently increases depression. He thinks I should have been put on Provigil instead. The neuro doc wanted me to call if I'm not feeling better with the amantadine, but I'll wait another week or two. This is only my fourth day on it, and I can tell you I'm not noticing any difference.

Other little tidbits. The ex called to apologize for his behavior last week. We ended up getting pissy with each other via text messaging on Friday, that ended with him not responding to my mean texts. But at least he apologized. THEN he let me know that the health insurance that I'm still covered under through his job is changing for the worse. Apparently there's going to be large yearly deductibles, higher co-pays, and higher hospital visits. If he would just sign the damn papers, then I could go on B's insurance. But that's too easy.

I think I'm done now. I seriously can't get things right in my head, and I've been working on this post for entriely too long, changing, rearranging.

Here's my last thought for now---HE WON, HE WON!!!! I KNEW HE WOULD! YAY!!!! :0 :0
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