I was paralyzed by fear for so long, tormented by what ifs, tormented by self-loathing and doubt. I saw myself only through the gaze of "the other" and I hated what I saw. I imagined the eyes upon me. I imagined they held judgement and critique. Did I imagine correctly? At times perhaps I did but really, I saw myself through the lens of ego. I could never be what I imagined I should be. My fear held me back.
I lived in a world of "what ifs?" I worried, "What if I lose my house? What if I cannot work and lose my career? What if I drive away my husband with my chronic need and illness?" I thought I could never make it alone. I gave up the belief that I could do the things I wanted to. My mortality lay heavy upon me. It was crippling. The physical pain was blinding. The mental anguish was even worse. One day, it was as though the sun came out and I felt I could finally embrace the me, hidden beneath my ego. I was becoming.
My journey began upon my diagnosis. I suffered, fear, doubt, depression and pain. Sometimes I wondered, "Why should I even go on living?" I could not even imagine anything else I wanted to do in life. Then, last spring, it started to come to me. I began to do the things I always wanted to do. First, I painted. Later, I returned to dancing. A few weeks ago, I went back to aerial dance (aerial tissue, fabric). I sang with new passion. I began to believe that I had something to offer the world. Most of all, I began to believe in myself. I saw myself through the eyes of someone who really valued me for me and I was magnificent. Why did it take so long? I do not know.
I hurt others along my path. I just wanted to find myself and be happy but there were casualties. I live without regret but I am sorry for the pain I caused. I'm sorry for "ruining my husbands life." I wish I could have been a better wife, a better patient but I had not yet found myself.
I have stated before and I will state again, in the words of my first yoga teacher,"Everything that you need for a beautiful life is already inside of you." This has been my mantra throughout my journey and now I find I have arrived at my destination.
This has truly been a worthy quest. I have almost lain down and given up many times along the way. I am glad I did not, for now I feel free from fear. I feel free to be who I am with no apologies. What felt hard is now effortless. I feel the best both physically and emotionally that I have in years. I am comfortable in my skin. I thought I was before but this is something deeper, going all the way to the center of my heart.
Today I am grateful to be free of fear.
I lived in a world of "what ifs?" I worried, "What if I lose my house? What if I cannot work and lose my career? What if I drive away my husband with my chronic need and illness?" I thought I could never make it alone. I gave up the belief that I could do the things I wanted to. My mortality lay heavy upon me. It was crippling. The physical pain was blinding. The mental anguish was even worse. One day, it was as though the sun came out and I felt I could finally embrace the me, hidden beneath my ego. I was becoming.
My journey began upon my diagnosis. I suffered, fear, doubt, depression and pain. Sometimes I wondered, "Why should I even go on living?" I could not even imagine anything else I wanted to do in life. Then, last spring, it started to come to me. I began to do the things I always wanted to do. First, I painted. Later, I returned to dancing. A few weeks ago, I went back to aerial dance (aerial tissue, fabric). I sang with new passion. I began to believe that I had something to offer the world. Most of all, I began to believe in myself. I saw myself through the eyes of someone who really valued me for me and I was magnificent. Why did it take so long? I do not know.
I hurt others along my path. I just wanted to find myself and be happy but there were casualties. I live without regret but I am sorry for the pain I caused. I'm sorry for "ruining my husbands life." I wish I could have been a better wife, a better patient but I had not yet found myself.
I have stated before and I will state again, in the words of my first yoga teacher,"Everything that you need for a beautiful life is already inside of you." This has been my mantra throughout my journey and now I find I have arrived at my destination.
This has truly been a worthy quest. I have almost lain down and given up many times along the way. I am glad I did not, for now I feel free from fear. I feel free to be who I am with no apologies. What felt hard is now effortless. I feel the best both physically and emotionally that I have in years. I am comfortable in my skin. I thought I was before but this is something deeper, going all the way to the center of my heart.
Today I am grateful to be free of fear.