Something is terribly wrong with me.... well maybe not terribly wrong but I think I am definitely odd in a number of ways. The reason I say this is because I have MS and ..... well.... I'm content!
I've had a rather tumultuous life in the past. More like being caught in a tornado with chaos whipping around my ears, than anything close to an environment of contentment. Some of these winds were caused by my own doing, others by those who either didn't know any better or actually wished to do harm. It was a messy time.
Over the years, life has fortunately changed, and with that change the winds have died down and allowed me to grow and thrive, like a plant whose roots are finally deep enough to provide support and whose stalk becomes strong and begins to bring forth a flowering bud. It's been glorious! That said, the lack of gusts did initially feel strange and from time to time it seemed only "normal" to stir things up a bit, just enough to unsettle the foundation, just to make things interesting :P. Adventures are always fun. Fortunately, I eventually became accustomed to the still soft breezes that nurtured, providing safety and instigating adventures of a new and even better kind. I have been amazingly blessed in so many many ways.
So, here I am now, things changing once again, pieces of the life that I once lived ebbing slowly away, but even so, I am content. That's just not normal. Is it?
I feel bad that I am not able to do all the things I was doing a couple of years ago.... a year ago.... several months ago. I can't say that I like it that my husband has taken on all the responsibilities of cleaning, cooking, and caring for me along with those he cares for as a part of his job, or that I can't do the many things we use to do together. I do miss the time I once was able to spend helping my daughter, playing with my grandchildren, enjoying activities with my family. I realise that it is foolish, but I do feel guilty that I can't do the things that I use to do. I feel bad for those around me, those that I love, but I don't feel bad for "me".
I am happy.... despite the fatigue, the strange sensations, the feeling of muscles being pulled, eyeball twitching, numbness, arms and legs that become weak and heavy, pain in this part of that and an assortment of other symptoms preluding a slow deterioration, I am actually at peace. I can't help but still celebrate in all of the blessings; blessings too numerous to count.
Many, with MS, feel a need to fight this disease. Amid doctor visits, chats to MS nurses, MRI's and a barrage of pharmaceutical prescriptions and research trials, they FIGHT, but I don't feel any compulsion to battle with the Mischievous So-and-so. Don't misunderstand me, I totally understand those who never give up, who will try anything, who won't stop until there is nothing more they can do, I don't blame them in the least. Also, please note that I do not have a death wish nor am I in any way, shape or form, depressed.... I am rather.... content.... I am truly happy.
This disease may be changing my life, but it has in no way diminished the great joy of it. I rejoice in each day, I embrace each moment I get to spend with my husband, my daughter, son-in-law, and my grandchildren. I enjoy the time I spend with friends and I feel so privileged to be a part of the new community of fellow MS'ers who are now very much a part of my day to day life. I still awake each morning with purpose and excitement over what awaits. I look around and feel I have been given a new gift enabling me to "be still" and savour EVERYTHING. At times I am overwhelmed!
I'd like to believe that I have come to a place in life where I, like Paul, can say that;
I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
But, the truth is, my God's grace has abounded within me, being sufficient in each and every circumstance, showering me with this peace, which overflows in joy. I am loved beyond measure and strange as it may sound, life is really wonderful!