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Everyone Here is Jim Dandy - 37

Posted Mar 07 2013 7:22am


More Observations on Personality Types in the Multiple Sclerosis Sufferer

(sources consulted: none)

1. Most people with MS either have or have not had mononucleosis (Epstein-Barr disease).

2. Cow’s milk probably causes MS, yet some MS sufferers continue to bolt down multiple 12 ounces glasses in a day because “they like it.” What is there to lose, right? Human breast milk does not cause MS, but many baby cows (calves, I think they call them) would appear to be at risk because of their mothers.

3. Natural sunlight, containing vitamin D, is thought to deter the development of MS. Most people with MS are of Northern European Ancestry. Half of the people I know with MS have gotten plenty of sun, half have not, all have MS. Go figure.

4. Perhaps 99 percent of people with MS come from Scotland. If they say it is not so, they are either ignorant of the truth or lying.

5. The other 99 percent come from Canada.

6. Many Canadians change their names out of shame, however misplaced, and have their mail sent to PO Boxes in Seattle, Washington.

7. Cheese comes from cows but does not come from cow milk, because cheese comes from an organ located near the beast’s liver. Nonetheless, just to be safe, some people with MS consume only goat cheese or head cheese.

8. Cows do not wear bras because their breasts are in the wrong place and there are too many of them. This is another reason we should be suspicious of cows milk.

9. Sun is good for every person and most every disease (except for that one where you turn into a flaming marshmallow on a stick if you’re exposed). People with MS are therefore in favor of global warming, and are regularly at work inventing new viruses to send to Al Gore’s unhelpful database.

Notes and Additions a) Regarding the milk of cows and whether the MS sufferer should or should not partake of the same, it is important to note that though this is generally found to be a matter of personal preference and conviction, one must NEVER partake of the young goat boiled in its mother’s milk. This is a biblical prohibition (Deut. 14:21). b) Do not eat the jot. Do not eat the tittle.

c) You may eat of the scroll, for it is sweet like honey.

d) John the Baptist ate wild honey and it did not cause MS (we do not know what
sort of damage tame honey might have done). He also ate locusts. The specific effect of the consumption of these insects remains thus far unknown; though it may be important to note that he was eventually beheaded.

e) John the Baptist is not the same person as the headless horseman.

f) The high price of petroleum oil has not so far affected the price of fish oil or flaxseed oil. This is good news for the MS sufferer, as these oils are thought to be of benefit, the idea being that the lubrication of the central nervous system works along the same lines as oil in an engine. This, of course, is a gross simplification of a scientifically complex scenario.

g) K-Y Jelly is not believed to have any untoward effects on multiple sclerosis.

h) Pipe and cigarette tobacco work along the same lines as the smoke from marijuana (i.e., research having shown that the latter mentioned flammable substance may cause the person with MS to be stoned). It is not the cannabis that cures, nor the nicotine, nor the tar, but the smoke itself, the drawing of breath, the exhilaration in exhalation. It is the moment of pure relaxation, the peace, the personal time set aside. If there is something you like, something that gives you comfort, then do it, and damn the torpedoes! If you find in the fallow field the pearl of great price, then for Christ’s sake buy the whole field! What? Did you think you would live forever?

i) Be prepared to die in misery from the long-term effects of any sort of smoke sucked into the lungs. Common sense answers most questions perfectly well on its own.
j) The question of whether a virgin should marry or remain a virgin has nothing whatsoever to do with MS.
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