MyMomis worried that my feelings are hurt that I was notnominatedfor anything....but she forgets how well she knows me. Am I slightly disappointed? Yes. Will it keep me from writing? No. And that is a resounding NO!
Here is my answer in herjournalthis morning to her loving worry and fear that my spirit is crushed...
From the beginning of my life I have been different. Not in a bad way but in a subtle way that has put me on the edge of groups and do you know what? I have grown accustom to that place. I have grown fond of the edge because it has afforded me a vantage point that those in the middle don't get to have.
My sunsets are not blocked. My air is fresher. My vistas loom with more breath taking beauty...
I will not, in this lifetime, be popular and I have made certain peace with that.
I KNOW what those words mean Mom...I really know what they mean and I wear them like a badge. Do not worry that a jury of my peers could ever dampen the spirit of God in me, for over me they have no power.
I live to be free.
I live for a higher calling.
ckays1967 at 12:05:00 PM PDT Link to this entry
This entry has 16 comments: (Add your own) I didn’t even know there were such things as awards for journals. You’ve ALWAYS been #1 on my “other journals” list, which none of them can say !!! Patrick http://journals.aol.com/daddyleer/CaregivinglyYours/ Comment from daddyleer - 10/24/05 3:40 PM
You inspire me. Comment from mccine - 10/23/05 10:05 PM
-----Original Message----- From: Valphish To: CKayS1967 Sent: Sun, 23 Oct 2005 7:19:41 PM Eastern Daylight Time Subject: Re: Hi Christina!
Oh, honey, your words ARE NOT lost!! I was thinking today how much you help me with your positive walk in life while being chronically ill. I am ill everyday as well and it is so hard. I am amazed by your ability to be able to post as often as you do and your ability to be able to find words for the emotions and feelings that you have. I can't do that right now with my "broken brain". Oh well. Perhaps I don't try hard enough. I love to read your journal because it helps me with my own walk through life!! You may post anything you wish, love. I hope everything I said made sense. Take care and have a good week!! Love, Val xox Comment from ckays1967 - 10/23/05 9:22 PM
Posted with permission from an e-mail...these comments and emails do mean a lot to me...
I wanted to let you know that I nominated you in three categories for a Vivi awards. You are number one in my book!! I was reading your journal this morning and was very touched. I am often touched beyond words by your entries and often don't comment. I wanted to let you know that your entries have really been an inspiration to me. I feel I am a a kindred spirit of yours through the love of color, the love of words, my faith in God and joy. I guess I don't need to say anymore. I just wanted to let you know that you have touched me in a profound way and I hope you will continue writing for a long time! God bless you, dear!!
Love, Val xox
Valerie UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU "Love does not consist in words or feelings, but in deeds. It is an act of the will, it is a gift, that is to say, a giving." St. Faustina UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU Val's Thoughts Comment from ckays1967 - 10/23/05 9:20 PM
A journal is not about awards. A journal is about expressing feelings. And yes it is nice to be nominated...I guess one then feels appreciated. I was not nominated ever for anything in J-Land, but I have found interesting people...and begun to feel a part of something bigger than myself. Still every once in a while I have to remind myself why I write or paint or draw. FOR ME! Comment from gypsytrader49 - 10/23/05 8:16 PM
I'm with Lisa, you are in my personal award book too!
Blessings!~ Susan http://journals.aol.com/rjet33/CountryLivingSouthernStyle Comment from rjet33 - 10/23/05 10:58 AM
I read a poem by Rilke tonight (trans. by Robert Bly) that reminded me of you:
You see, I want a lot. Perhaps I want everything: the darkness that comes with every infinite fall and the shivering blaze of every step up.
So many live on and want nothing and are raised to the rank of prince by the slippery ease of their light judgments.
But what you love to see are faces that do work and feel thirst. ...
You have not grown old, and it is not too late to dive into your increasing depths where life calmly gives out its own secret. Comment from theresarrt7 - 10/22/05 11:10 PM
ohhh girl.. you couldn't of said it any better for me. My heart did sink just a wee bit when I saw I did not make it on the popularty list either.. but I have come to terms lol and am letting it go. A song from Zoe Girl comes to mind.. "At the end of the day every thing's ok.. Lord,You Get Me "
And for the record I put your journal link in my form.. I know it was hard for the ones tallying the votes because there was a few ties and hard choices to make. Maybe you were one of those who almost made it but just fell short a bit.. lol that is what I keep telling myself anyway. Haha.
((hugs)) You inspire me with each post and I love you.
Much Love, Mary Comment from hunybea4him - 10/22/05 10:32 PM
You and I are in the same outskirts of the crowd. I have no idea how enough people "voted" for my journal to get it added to ANY category. The only explanation I can come up with is that it was one of those categories that didn't HAVE too many nominations, and it only took two or three to get me in! I have found, as a rule, that the vast majority of the Journal Community does not like to read about politics... LOL!
You know your journal is in my PERSONAL award book... Lisa :-] Comment from lisaram1955 - 10/22/05 2:49 PM
Christine dear, I am not sure what sort of nomination your mom was hoping for.
(It's too early for the Presidential race to begin so I don't think it's that lol!) Sorry -- I couldn't resist that one lol!
I am just guessing --- is it some sort of jounal award nomination??? Well if so, certainly you deserve one --- but --- most of us are writing for any number of reasons and awards are not the highest on the list.
Number one on most our lists --- I bet --- lol --- is --- we love to write!!!
WE LOVE TO WRITE!!!!!
Yes --- we love to write. And that is its own reward. Our friends who read and post comments are the icing on the cake for us. And after that, who counts the rest? loving you karyl Comment from klconard1 - 10/22/05 2:48 PM
Dear Christina, I laughed so hard when I saw your comment in my journal: "Geeks never win." Alas. But the good part of that is that it helps us to build our inner resources. We triumph in the ways that matter most. If we are lucky, truly lucky, we find others like us who are also fighting the good fight and we don't feel alone. You are a "winner" in so many ways to me, in all the ways that give me the strength to be who I want to be. Carry on, carry on! PS. You have so got the greatest mom. Comment from theresarrt7 - 10/22/05 2:41 PM
Christina, much more meaningful than those silly little awards are the people who take the trouble to get to know you through your journal and return to maintain a relationship. Awards are superficial and merely a display of vanity. Friendship means so much more. You may not be able to display it on a mantle, but it is shown where it counts, in the heart.
Bon & Mal Comment from b4i8clover - 10/22/05 2:25 PM
I can echo your sentiments almost exactly. I never thought about having a clearer view of the world and fresher air. Not such a bad place to be in life, is it? Jude http://journals.aol.com/jmorancoyle/MyWay Comment from jmorancoyle - 10/22/05 1:29 PM
Awh Christina, Honey I do know you. I know you very well. But I still worry and I still fret and I will do this in regard to you for the rest of my life.
More over, I will always jump on my podium and talk until I know in my heart that you hear my words and that you feel them in your soul. Know that I am grateful that you do the same thing with me. This is in part what makes our relationship so very, very special.
I loved seeing your "voice" again in this entry. It felt wonderful!
Write on dear daughter, write on!
Comment from tsgerkin - 10/22/05 12:43 PM
(((CHRISTINA)) I know how your mother feels. I am honored to be nominated this year, but wasn't last year and my family felt bad for me. But I didn't feel bad at all. A little disappointed perhaps, but it is not my peers whose approval I seek, but HIS. You are a true GEM. Barb- http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HEYLETSTALK Comment from barbpinion - 10/22/05 12:30 PM
Hugs to my favorite poet. V Comment from deabvt - 10/22/05 12:09 PM